Mother - Daughter Relationships

No relationship is quite as primal as the one between a mother and daughter. Lee Sharkey, Ph.D., a professor of Women’s Studies who teaches a college course on mother-daughter relationships, writes “Women grow up and our energy is largely turned toward men, but the original love relationship is with a mother. If we as daughters don’t acknowledge that, we’re closing ourselves off from a great source of power and fulfillment and understanding of ourselves.”

Our culture tends to romanticize or demonize mothers. Statements such as: “Everything I ever accomplished I owe to my mother” and “Every problem I have in my life is my mother’s fault” greatly simplify this unique and complex relationship. Mothers and daughters find in each other potential for great comfort but also great conflict.

Mother-daughter bonding starts at an early age and experiences significant transitions. When a daughter is five, mom is a goddess; when daughters are about twelve, mothers morph into the most ignorant, out-of touch creature on the planet that should be avoided at all cost; and when daughters are in their 20’s or 30’s mothers can become a best friend again.

However, mothers and adult daughters aren’t always best friends. Laura Tracey, Ph.D., a family therapist who specializes in counseling mother-daughter pairs asserts that difficulties emerge from one very basic question: “Will the mother accept the daughter as an adult?” The questions of “Do you see me for who I am? And is who I am okay?” are ones of depth. Truly accepting a daughter as her own woman is essential to the enjoyment and health of a mother-daughter relationship.

When children are small mothers have the enormous responsibility of guiding and teaching. When children grow up, it’s sometimes difficult to just STOP. An important part of parenting is letting go and the best gift a mother can give a daughter – and, as she becomes an adult, that a daughter can give her mother – is permission to be herself. When you are a mother to an adult daughter it is an opportunity to show her your love and not focus on approval of how the daughter is living her life. Acceptance of yourself and each other becomes the key to developing and healing this relationship.

However, knowing and accepting who you are is not always easy – especially for adolescent girls. SuEllen Hamkins and Renee Schultz have co-authored a book titled “The Mother-Daughter Project: How Mothers and Daughters Can Band Together, Beat the Odds and Thrive Through Adolescence.” They have found that girls who can talk to their mothers and receive support for the hard things they face – from friendships to eating disorders to depression to sexuality – navigate these challenges better.

Psychologist and author Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. interviewed hundreds of high school girls and summarized their perceptions:

 Their mothers are too busy for them or, too focused on them.
 Their mothers are too intense or too distant.
 Their mothers are too strict and rigid or too much like a friend.
 Their mothers don’t tell them enough or tell them too much.
 Their mothers don’t expect enough or their love is too conditional.
 Their mothers don’t empathize or, the daughter itches and the mother scratches.

From this listing the importance of finding the middle ground in mothering is obvious. Balance is essential. Ask your daughter “If you were a mom, what would you do the same as me? What would you do differently? Whether your daughter is seven or seventeen, you may learn something interesting.

Almost all daughters feel disappointed with their mothers at some point. The construct of a perfect mother, perfect daughter, is not real, and not possible. Even with this reality, researcher Karen Fingerman, Ph.D., found that the mother-daughter bond is so strong that 80 to 90% of women at midlife report good relationships with their mothers – though they wish it were better. Within every mother-daughter relationship there is potential for growth.

Merry Christmas to All

As Christmas Day quickly approaches I want to extend my best wishes for a blessed and joyous time. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally, enjoy being with those you love, and remember to reflect on your blessings. Whatever your faith or traditions, enjoy this special time of year.

Giving of Yourself as the Perfect Holiday Gift

Because the holiday season is both exciting and hectic, it is important to maintain a sense of balance and not allow the demands and frantic pace to overwhelm. Practicing good self-care during this time is not only advised – it is critical. It is also important to keep aware of ways to minimize difficult emotional stressors. The term “holiday blues syndrome” describes the downside of holiday occasions. It refers to the psychological problems such as depression that intensifies due to the failed expectations and the extreme stress created by the increase in demands.

Christmas shopping in the U.S. has been a reliable source of anxiety and stress for over a century. In 1894, The New York Tribune wrote: “As soon as the Thanksgiving turkey is eaten, the great question of buying Christmas presents begins to take the terrifying shape it has come to assume in recent years.” While this comment was made over one hundred years ago, the modern holiday season has often become more of a burden than an opportunity for joy and celebration. We overspend and over commit in many ways.

While there is joy in giving, the act of giving itself is the most important component of this season. However, there is considerable emotional pressure to flock to the malls or surf the internet, credit cards in hand to find perfect gifts. Finding that ideal gift is hard and forty percent of Americans report returning or “regifting” at least one gift each season. An alternative could be to emotionally focus on others and offer gifts of your time and gestures of caring.

Within a family, emotional gifts such as: a brother completing a chore for his sister, a daughter giving a dad a letter of gratitude, a mom setting aside a special “date” with her son, or a husband giving a gift of time for a special request from his wife; are important alternatives to the traditional store bought gestures. These thoughtful gifts of time and energy can be the most special of the holiday and are sure to generate the warmest feelings of appreciation.

Giving unselfishly is good for each of us emotionally and an important lesson to teach children. Focusing on the opportunities for giving to others outside the family can be a family experience. Cultivating a philanthropic perspective takes time, and children learn best by getting involved in charitable activities at an early age. The holidays are a time for family members and friends to reconnect with one another. Special family traditions are an important part of this season. This season, don’t forget the great gift you can offer together - -your time.

Support the organizations and causes you care about. Visits to local assisted living facilities or nursing homes, making cookies for your local firehouse or police station, donating good used toys or clothes to a shelter, and donating military care packages are all excellent ways to focus on others during this time of year or throughout the year.

Giving of self to others is one way to manage the stress of this season and to protect from the emotional difficulties many experience during the hectic holiday season. No matter what feelings the holidays bring up for you, remember you are in charge of your life. You needn’t have a knee-jerk reaction to this time of year. Celebrate in your way. It is important to set appropriate expectations for the season and focus on the things that really matter.

Thanksgiving is Good for Your Mental Health

As a psychologist dedicated to helping others achieve their goals for joy and satisfaction, I have come to believe that Thanksgiving is the most important holiday of the year. Spiritual leaders and philosophers have long taught the importance of gratitude in the development of contentment, enlightenment and achievement. In recent years the psychological profession has confirmed and validated these century old teachings with research.

R.A. Emmons and M.E. McCullough have engaged in a research project to investigate the nature of gratitude and its consequences for human health and well-being. While the research is ongoing, several publications are available that confirm the importance of gratitude in a variety of areas of life. This research has found that individuals who daily reflect on positives and thankfulness report higher levels of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, attentiveness and energy. These individuals also report fewer health problems, are more optimistic, and are more likely to make progress toward goals.

Grateful people report higher levels of positive emotions, life satisfaction and lower levels of depression and stress. While grateful people do not deny or ignore the negative aspects of life, they are found to focus on positives in their lives rather than becoming “stuck” in a negative perspective. Thankful people demonstrate a higher capacity for empathy and are rated by others as more generous and helpful. Gratefulness is also related to placing less importance on material wealth because these individuals are less likely to judge their own and others success by possessions, are less envious, and are more likely to share with others.

Gratefulness is a key to happiness. Even when not a natural part of a personality, it is possible to cultivate an attitude of thankfulness. Strive to be aware of all in your personal, professional, and family life (whether good health, relationships, freedom, or possessions) for which you are thankful. Focus on what you have – not on what you don’t have. Be mindful of nature and the beauty around you. Seek out others who have the characteristics you want for yourself. Moods and attitudes are contagious and spending time with complaining, negative and angry people will impair your ability to achieve your goal of positive focus and gratitude. Conversely, when you are demonstrating a positive and joyful life, you are helping those around you cultivate gratitude.

It is important to tell others often how they are appreciated and the blessings they bring to your life. Say “thank you” not in a perfunctory or obligatory manner but with heartfeltness and sincerity. Let others know how they touch your life, how much they help you and how appreciated they are.

Oprah Winfrey and Sarah Ban Breathnach, author of Simple Abundance propose keeping a “thankfulness journal” where each day you record five things about the day for which you are grateful. This is a simple but brilliant assignment. If you commit to this task you will find yourself more aware of the positives in each day because you will be looking for them. Too often, negatives have so much more power to get and keep our attention, and by encouraging a shift in focus to the many things in your life that make each day special, you will be practicing thankfulness.

As you celebrate this 2010 Thanksgiving, I encourage you commit to live with gratitude each day of the year. Thankfulness is good for your mental health and will enhance the life of your family and those around you. Thank you for sharing your time with me by reading this article. I appreciate any thoughts you would like to share with me.

Are You Too Sensitive??

Have you ever felt you are too sensitive? Have spouses, parents, friends, or coworkers labeled you thin skinned and insisted you just needed to “toughen up”, “learn to take a joke” or “get over it”? If you hear these admonitions on a regular basis; or if you frequently experience an intense sense of rejection or pain in interactions, you may be among those identified as highly sensitive. Clearly, some are just more empathic and sensitive than others and this trait can create some difficulties. In a culture that values confident, bold extroverts, sensitivity is often seen as a flaw. However, Elaine Aron, PhD, author of The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You, asserts that high sensitivity is a normal trait for about 20 percent and is certainly not a sign of a mental flaw or disorder.

Innate temperament has a very real role in an individual’s level of sensitivity. Differences in a general level of emotional responsiveness can be observed in early infancy. Research has shown that there are genetic influences in the level of sensitivity. Jerome Kagan, PhD, a professor of psychology at Harvard has tracked children from infancy through adolescence and found that a moody teenager was likely to have been a more fretful toddler.

While these early inclinations exist, environment does much to determine what the ultimate level of sensitivity will be. A sensitive child who is positively responded to may become less fearful and self-conscious. However, a sensitive child with overprotective parents can become even more fearful; and a sensitive child more easily hurt if regularly criticized. Additionally, parents of a highly sensitive child may experience extreme frustrations and get upset by a child’s tears, angry outbursts, and moodiness rather than help the child learn to self sooth the distress. This child may develop feelings of being unimportant and grow even more sensitive. As a child’s level of sensitivity deepens, they experience feelings of hurt by the most innocent interactions. Alternatively, the baby who coos at everyone, being unafraid of strangers, gets more positive attention which helps in becoming even secure and independent.

While sensitivity creates challenges, the positive aspects far outweigh the negative. Sensitive people value others and encourage others to know that their opinions matter. They are good listeners, and they are naturally empathetic. Many highly sensitive people are unusually creative, attentive and thoughtful partners, and intellectually gifted individuals. Because they are so acutely aware of their own imperfections, they tend to be more understanding about the imperfections of others. Sensitivity contributes to kindness, and compassion. Maybe you are not too sensitive. Maybe no one is. However, learning to be less reactive to your sensitivity can be helpful.


A few tools to consider so sensitivity is less reactive:
• Stall. Give yourself enough time to reflect before responding.
• It’s not all about you. Sometimes sensitivity encourages over personalization. Everybody at times has bad days, gets busy, and doesn’t feel well - - other’s behaviors may be about them - - not you.
• Consider the source. Some people love to bait others to see a reaction, some are just uninformed, some unkind. Every opinion should not be given equal weight.
• Distract. Don’t ruminate on the feeling. Positive distractions are important. Take a walk. Watch a movie. Laugh.
• Vent. Don’t store up negative emotions. Talk with a friend or journal to process your feelings.
• Be honest with yourself about your positives and remember them. The more you are aware of your own strengths the less deeply damaging criticism will be.

Accepting yourself as a highly sensitive person is possible when you learn to minimize over-reactions and recognize the positives of being an empathetic, sensitive person.

How Envy Impacts Happiness and Joy

While some may use the words interchangeably, depression is different from unhappiness. Clinical depression is a serious mental health issue which involves feelings of sadness, hopelessness and helplessness and impacts the ability to successfully accomplish routine tasks of daily living. While clinical depression is serious, it is treatable. Unhappiness is a feeling state which all of us have experienced at times in life. It may involve sadness, disappointment and anxiety. Without doubt, the most unhappy people in life are those filled with envy. Envy compromises dreams and steals joy. It makes us focus on what we don’t have, rather than what we have. It leads to a build up of resentment and strife.

Envy is the desire for others’ traits, status, abilities, or situation. It is felt when there is a perception that other people are much luckier, smarter, more attractive, and better. Historically considered one of the seven deadly sins (and in two the Ten Commandments of the Old Testament), envy is a “state in which the desired advantage enjoyed by another person or group of people causes a person to feel a painful blend of inferiority, hostility and resentment,” (Psychological Bulletin, 2007).

Some degree of envy toward those that have more is normal human nature. However, when there is a shift from “I wish I had what you have” to “I wish you did not have what you have”; there is ill will, and envy has become a destructive emotion. This level of envy where there is unhappiness at the good fortune of others can be harmful both mentally and physically. Medieval theologian St. Thomas Aquinas wrote, “Charity rejoices in our neighbor’s good, while envy grieves over it.” Deeply or pathologically envious people tend to feel chronically hostile, resentful and angry. They are less likely to feel grateful, and are unpleasant to be around.

Underlying feelings of inferiority are often the roots of deep envy. When we feel inferior, we see other people as being somehow larger and better than us. We long to be like them, but we tell ourselves that we can’t. A feeling of despair, disgust, envy and longing develops along with anger and resentment. If we value ourselves, when life goes well we feel happy and secure, and when life goes badly we assure ourselves that we’ll be able to cope. If we don’t value ourselves, we never feel happy and secure, even when everything goes well.

Babies are born with boundless unselfconscious confidence; without a sense of inferiority or superiority. As a child grows, the messages from parents, other adults, siblings and peers determine the conclusions about personal worth and value and therefore determine self esteem.

Dr. Richard Smith and Dr. Sun Hee Kim, from the University of Kentucky recently published a comprehensive article describing the nature of envy as well as the negative effects it can have on mental and physical health. Drs. Smith and Kim suggest learning to recognize feelings of envy and challenge them with cognitive techniques, including: reminders of the negative impact of envious thoughts; distracting from the negative thoughts by refocusing on other more pleasant thoughts, memories, or plans; and finally a process of reminders of our own positive qualities and advantages.

Understanding and challenging underlying feelings of inferiority is important. No one is superior, no one is inferior, and everybody is ordinary. No one escapes the pain of living and we all suffer disappointment, loss, failure and death. We all have to try to cope with life as best we can. It is important to learn to celebrate other people’s success, knowing that no one – other than you - can be good at being you. One way or another, we’re all ridiculous and we’re all important. Envying others prevents truly valuing our own life.

Families Coping with Serious Mental Illness

A serious mental illness is a disease that causes moderate to severe disturbances in thought and/or behavior, resulting in an inability to cope with life’s ordinary demands and routines. Most people believe that mental disorders are rare and “happen to someone else”. In fact, mental disorders are common and an estimated 54 million Americans suffer from some form of mental disorder.

Mental illnesses may be caused by a reaction to environmental stresses, genetic factors, biochemical imbalances, or a combination of these. Mental illnesses cannot be overcome through “will power” and are not related to a person’s character or intelligence. With appropriate care and treatment, which typically includes both medications and behavioral interventions, between 70 and 90 percent of individuals have significant reductions of symptoms and improved quality of life. Early identification and treatment is vitally important.

The mental illness of one member affects the entire family. Most families are not prepared to cope with the physical and emotional demands a diagnosis of serious mental illness such as major depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or borderline personality disorder brings. Constant stress and difficulty can create profound family problems.

There are many myths and misconceptions surrounding mental illness. When someone you love is diagnosed with a serious mental illness, you may experience feelings of denial, shock, sadness, anger, guilt, resentment or even shame. You may worry about what other people will think because of the negative associations to mental illness in our society. It is helpful to accept your feelings as normal and common among families going through similar situations.

One of the greatest difficulties for families in accepting any life altering illness of a loved one is dealing with a changed future and expectations. Families grieve for what might have been and for their loved one. The loss of the person we knew is deeply felt.

Some basic suggestions for family members of a seriously mentally ill person:

• Accept the illness and its difficult consequences – denial or pretending “this is not really serious” or “this will pass” delays finding needed help
• Learn about your loved one’s illness by reading and talking with mental health professionals
• Develop realistic expectations for the ill person and yourself
• Recognize that it may take time to find the proper medications that work
• Accept all the help and support you can get
• Keep a sense of humor
• Join a support group
• Take physical and emotional care of yourself
• Stay optimistic

Family acceptance of mental illness includes an understanding that it’s nobody’s fault and that while the illness is a sad and difficult life experience, it can be survived. There are resources to help. The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI) is a non-profit organization that provides education, support and advocacy for those with mental illness and their family members. NAMI sponsors a free 12-week course for family caregiver of individuals with severe mental illness that discusses the clinical treatment of illnesses and teaches the knowledge and skills that family members need to cope more effectively. To obtain information on this or other services offered by NAMI go to www.nami.org.