How Envy Impacts Happiness and Joy

While some may use the words interchangeably, depression is different from unhappiness. Clinical depression is a serious mental health issue which involves feelings of sadness, hopelessness and helplessness and impacts the ability to successfully accomplish routine tasks of daily living. While clinical depression is serious, it is treatable. Unhappiness is a feeling state which all of us have experienced at times in life. It may involve sadness, disappointment and anxiety. Without doubt, the most unhappy people in life are those filled with envy. Envy compromises dreams and steals joy. It makes us focus on what we don’t have, rather than what we have. It leads to a build up of resentment and strife.

Envy is the desire for others’ traits, status, abilities, or situation. It is felt when there is a perception that other people are much luckier, smarter, more attractive, and better. Historically considered one of the seven deadly sins (and in two the Ten Commandments of the Old Testament), envy is a “state in which the desired advantage enjoyed by another person or group of people causes a person to feel a painful blend of inferiority, hostility and resentment,” (Psychological Bulletin, 2007).

Some degree of envy toward those that have more is normal human nature. However, when there is a shift from “I wish I had what you have” to “I wish you did not have what you have”; there is ill will, and envy has become a destructive emotion. This level of envy where there is unhappiness at the good fortune of others can be harmful both mentally and physically. Medieval theologian St. Thomas Aquinas wrote, “Charity rejoices in our neighbor’s good, while envy grieves over it.” Deeply or pathologically envious people tend to feel chronically hostile, resentful and angry. They are less likely to feel grateful, and are unpleasant to be around.

Underlying feelings of inferiority are often the roots of deep envy. When we feel inferior, we see other people as being somehow larger and better than us. We long to be like them, but we tell ourselves that we can’t. A feeling of despair, disgust, envy and longing develops along with anger and resentment. If we value ourselves, when life goes well we feel happy and secure, and when life goes badly we assure ourselves that we’ll be able to cope. If we don’t value ourselves, we never feel happy and secure, even when everything goes well.

Babies are born with boundless unselfconscious confidence; without a sense of inferiority or superiority. As a child grows, the messages from parents, other adults, siblings and peers determine the conclusions about personal worth and value and therefore determine self esteem.

Dr. Richard Smith and Dr. Sun Hee Kim, from the University of Kentucky recently published a comprehensive article describing the nature of envy as well as the negative effects it can have on mental and physical health. Drs. Smith and Kim suggest learning to recognize feelings of envy and challenge them with cognitive techniques, including: reminders of the negative impact of envious thoughts; distracting from the negative thoughts by refocusing on other more pleasant thoughts, memories, or plans; and finally a process of reminders of our own positive qualities and advantages.

Understanding and challenging underlying feelings of inferiority is important. No one is superior, no one is inferior, and everybody is ordinary. No one escapes the pain of living and we all suffer disappointment, loss, failure and death. We all have to try to cope with life as best we can. It is important to learn to celebrate other people’s success, knowing that no one – other than you - can be good at being you. One way or another, we’re all ridiculous and we’re all important. Envying others prevents truly valuing our own life.

Judging Others is Damaging to All

From religious teachings, great literature, and even popular music; the message of the value of not judging others is asserted.

• Judge not, that ye be not judged. ~ Matthew 7:1
• Time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain, therefore, awhile from setting yourself up as judge of the highest matters. ~ Plato
• If a man looks after the faults of others, and is always inclined to be offended, his own passions will grow, and he is far from the destructions of passions. ~ The Dharmapada (a collection of the Buddha’s essential teachings).
• Our senses don’t deceive us: our judgment does. ~ Goethe
• I know I’m not perfect
And I don’t live to be
But before you start pointing fingers
Make sure your hands are clean ~ Bob Marley

However, human nature seems to be determined to criticize and judge each other – to some degree – on many different parameters. Personal appearance, including weight and attractiveness; intelligence and education; individual values, beliefs, and spiritual practices; occupations and professional success; and wealth are all arenas inviting negative judgments of others. It appears that the task of accepting people as they are is just incredibly difficult. Our culture is conflict-ridden and often there is an attitude focused on “one-up man ship” or winning. As we live we slowly develop biases or pre-conceived notions about people with whom we interact.

When criticism and judgment are negative it can lead to great hurt, and damage. People react to criticism and judgment in different ways. Some become fearful, and close down emotionally to protect. Some develop feelings of inadequacy; while others become angry, and strike others with the venom of judgment and rejection. Everyone as some fear of being judged rejected or abandoned. No one really likes to be judged and so eliminating this from our own actions will improve your life and relationships.

Living a life filled with judgments and criticisms of others are as hurtful to oneself as they are to the target of judgment. Those who judge others often also judge themselves in very painful and damaging ways. People who feel good about themselves can more easily see the good in others. Self-acceptance and practicing kindness towards the self encourages tolerance. It is known that acceptance of the self and others is important is overall mental health and general happiness.

We analyze and make decisions about living based on individual values and beliefs that are developed through learning and personal experience. Having confidence and clarity about values and decisions is not only natural, it is valuable and important - – imposing those convictions on others betrays an attitude of arrogance. Assigning a moral code to another disrespects alternative perspectives. As soon as you judge someone you are saying that you are better or worse than that person.

There is a difference between being clear and confident of personal values for ourselves and imposing those onto others. It is important to delineate between making judgments based on belief or value systems which makes them opinions – and when we are actually stating fact. Most of the time, judgments come from a place of opinion. We can still have an opinion, but not condemn others for having a different opinion. Everyone sees things differently and when opinions are expressed in a way that demands agreement, and is judgmental; there is a lack of respect of alternative views. While we can verbalize and share opinion – even forcefully – it is important to acknowledge that others can believe differently.

Being judgmental and critical becomes habit over time. Finding ways to be loving and accepting can replace old ways and become a new habit. If we decide to be as non-judgmental as possible about people then we can really transform our personality. It is a difficult process but making sincere attempts to do so is very powerful.