No matter what the goal, the keys to success is getting and staying motivated. Tamara Lowe, a consultant who has studied human achievement for more than 20 years has recently released her book Get Motivated! which indentified three motivational categories, each with descriptions of two contrasting types. An understanding of these concepts can help determine what drives, what is needed to be motivated, and what rewards are effective. With this understanding, getting and maintaining motivation can be improved.
The initial question to consider is “What drives you”. If your answer is competition and deadlines, you are most likely a Producer. The Producer is the classic “Type A” and has self-discipline, is competitive, and decisive. What the Producer needs when motivation is slipping is to turn the goal into a game (break a record) or a competition. If “What drives you” is collaboration, teamwork and relationships, you are more likely a Connector. Connectors put relationships first and are loyal, supportive and team players. They find personal satisfaction in making others happy and the primary challenges to staying motivated are with conflict and isolation. What is needed to maintain motivation is sustenance of relationship with others who struggle with, or has achieved a similar goal. A connector who has a goal of weight loss thrives in settings that offer group support such as Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. A producer with the same goal would be attracted to compete on television’s The Biggest Loser.
Lowe’s second question for consideration is “What do you need to feel fulfilled?” If order, predictability and routine are needed, you are likely a Stabilizer. The Stabilizer is practical, careful, avoids analysis, and sometimes resistant to change. When motivation is challenged, a stabilizer needs to establish set rules to minimize distractions, to identify the incremental steps involved in achievement of the goal and to allow appropriate deadlines for completion and avoid negative feedback or criticism. However, if “What you need to feel fulfilled?” is adventure and new ideas, you are a Variable. Variables thrive on new experiences and novelty and find change is energizing. Relaxed schedules are ideal, surprise is welcome, and they are skilled at finding creative solutions; but variables can be impulsive and find themselves off task. When Variables find motivation slipping, it is necessary to discard rigid schedules and rules and consider alternative approaches to goal achievement and add elements of fun to the process.
The third question to consider is “What inspires you to do your best?” If your answer is appreciation and the sense of contribution, you’re an Internal. Those with an internal reward system find satisfaction from meaningful work and need to feel good about what they are doing. Internals maintain motivation with positive feedback and worthwhile goals. If the motivation slips it is necessary to reconnect with the mission and find ways to be reminded of “the big picture”. It is also necessary to nourish inner resources. This can be accomplished by journaling to refocus on the importance of the goal and by establishing good self-care skills to maintain a sense of balance. Alternatively if the response to “What inspires you to do your best?” is more tangible benefits such as recognition or salary, you are more likely an External. Externals are success –oriented and use tangible assets to measure success. They can maintain motivation by celebrating achievements with incremental rewards (a new dress with a 10 pound weight loss – rather than when the goal weight is achieved). Also acknowledging at least one way that each action is a step closer to the ultimate goal is helpful with motivation and it is important to regularly review your successes and achievements to inspire you to further aspirations.
No matter what your goal- - - better relationships, weight loss or a business achievement, by finding your individual style in what drives you, what fulfills you, and what inspires you, you can be more successful in maintaining motivation to meet your objective.
Showing posts with label personal improvement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal improvement. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Are You Too Sensitive??
Have you ever felt you are too sensitive? Have spouses, parents, friends, or coworkers labeled you thin skinned and insisted you just needed to “toughen up”, “learn to take a joke” or “get over it”? If you hear these admonitions on a regular basis; or if you frequently experience an intense sense of rejection or pain in interactions, you may be among those identified as highly sensitive. Clearly, some are just more empathic and sensitive than others and this trait can create some difficulties. In a culture that values confident, bold extroverts, sensitivity is often seen as a flaw. However, Elaine Aron, PhD, author of The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You, asserts that high sensitivity is a normal trait for about 20 percent and is certainly not a sign of a mental flaw or disorder.
Innate temperament has a very real role in an individual’s level of sensitivity. Differences in a general level of emotional responsiveness can be observed in early infancy. Research has shown that there are genetic influences in the level of sensitivity. Jerome Kagan, PhD, a professor of psychology at Harvard has tracked children from infancy through adolescence and found that a moody teenager was likely to have been a more fretful toddler.
While these early inclinations exist, environment does much to determine what the ultimate level of sensitivity will be. A sensitive child who is positively responded to may become less fearful and self-conscious. However, a sensitive child with overprotective parents can become even more fearful; and a sensitive child more easily hurt if regularly criticized. Additionally, parents of a highly sensitive child may experience extreme frustrations and get upset by a child’s tears, angry outbursts, and moodiness rather than help the child learn to self sooth the distress. This child may develop feelings of being unimportant and grow even more sensitive. As a child’s level of sensitivity deepens, they experience feelings of hurt by the most innocent interactions. Alternatively, the baby who coos at everyone, being unafraid of strangers, gets more positive attention which helps in becoming even secure and independent.
While sensitivity creates challenges, the positive aspects far outweigh the negative. Sensitive people value others and encourage others to know that their opinions matter. They are good listeners, and they are naturally empathetic. Many highly sensitive people are unusually creative, attentive and thoughtful partners, and intellectually gifted individuals. Because they are so acutely aware of their own imperfections, they tend to be more understanding about the imperfections of others. Sensitivity contributes to kindness, and compassion. Maybe you are not too sensitive. Maybe no one is. However, learning to be less reactive to your sensitivity can be helpful.
A few tools to consider so sensitivity is less reactive:
• Stall. Give yourself enough time to reflect before responding.
• It’s not all about you. Sometimes sensitivity encourages over personalization. Everybody at times has bad days, gets busy, and doesn’t feel well - - other’s behaviors may be about them - - not you.
• Consider the source. Some people love to bait others to see a reaction, some are just uninformed, some unkind. Every opinion should not be given equal weight.
• Distract. Don’t ruminate on the feeling. Positive distractions are important. Take a walk. Watch a movie. Laugh.
• Vent. Don’t store up negative emotions. Talk with a friend or journal to process your feelings.
• Be honest with yourself about your positives and remember them. The more you are aware of your own strengths the less deeply damaging criticism will be.
Accepting yourself as a highly sensitive person is possible when you learn to minimize over-reactions and recognize the positives of being an empathetic, sensitive person.
Innate temperament has a very real role in an individual’s level of sensitivity. Differences in a general level of emotional responsiveness can be observed in early infancy. Research has shown that there are genetic influences in the level of sensitivity. Jerome Kagan, PhD, a professor of psychology at Harvard has tracked children from infancy through adolescence and found that a moody teenager was likely to have been a more fretful toddler.
While these early inclinations exist, environment does much to determine what the ultimate level of sensitivity will be. A sensitive child who is positively responded to may become less fearful and self-conscious. However, a sensitive child with overprotective parents can become even more fearful; and a sensitive child more easily hurt if regularly criticized. Additionally, parents of a highly sensitive child may experience extreme frustrations and get upset by a child’s tears, angry outbursts, and moodiness rather than help the child learn to self sooth the distress. This child may develop feelings of being unimportant and grow even more sensitive. As a child’s level of sensitivity deepens, they experience feelings of hurt by the most innocent interactions. Alternatively, the baby who coos at everyone, being unafraid of strangers, gets more positive attention which helps in becoming even secure and independent.
While sensitivity creates challenges, the positive aspects far outweigh the negative. Sensitive people value others and encourage others to know that their opinions matter. They are good listeners, and they are naturally empathetic. Many highly sensitive people are unusually creative, attentive and thoughtful partners, and intellectually gifted individuals. Because they are so acutely aware of their own imperfections, they tend to be more understanding about the imperfections of others. Sensitivity contributes to kindness, and compassion. Maybe you are not too sensitive. Maybe no one is. However, learning to be less reactive to your sensitivity can be helpful.
A few tools to consider so sensitivity is less reactive:
• Stall. Give yourself enough time to reflect before responding.
• It’s not all about you. Sometimes sensitivity encourages over personalization. Everybody at times has bad days, gets busy, and doesn’t feel well - - other’s behaviors may be about them - - not you.
• Consider the source. Some people love to bait others to see a reaction, some are just uninformed, some unkind. Every opinion should not be given equal weight.
• Distract. Don’t ruminate on the feeling. Positive distractions are important. Take a walk. Watch a movie. Laugh.
• Vent. Don’t store up negative emotions. Talk with a friend or journal to process your feelings.
• Be honest with yourself about your positives and remember them. The more you are aware of your own strengths the less deeply damaging criticism will be.
Accepting yourself as a highly sensitive person is possible when you learn to minimize over-reactions and recognize the positives of being an empathetic, sensitive person.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
How Envy Impacts Happiness and Joy
While some may use the words interchangeably, depression is different from unhappiness. Clinical depression is a serious mental health issue which involves feelings of sadness, hopelessness and helplessness and impacts the ability to successfully accomplish routine tasks of daily living. While clinical depression is serious, it is treatable. Unhappiness is a feeling state which all of us have experienced at times in life. It may involve sadness, disappointment and anxiety. Without doubt, the most unhappy people in life are those filled with envy. Envy compromises dreams and steals joy. It makes us focus on what we don’t have, rather than what we have. It leads to a build up of resentment and strife.
Envy is the desire for others’ traits, status, abilities, or situation. It is felt when there is a perception that other people are much luckier, smarter, more attractive, and better. Historically considered one of the seven deadly sins (and in two the Ten Commandments of the Old Testament), envy is a “state in which the desired advantage enjoyed by another person or group of people causes a person to feel a painful blend of inferiority, hostility and resentment,” (Psychological Bulletin, 2007).
Some degree of envy toward those that have more is normal human nature. However, when there is a shift from “I wish I had what you have” to “I wish you did not have what you have”; there is ill will, and envy has become a destructive emotion. This level of envy where there is unhappiness at the good fortune of others can be harmful both mentally and physically. Medieval theologian St. Thomas Aquinas wrote, “Charity rejoices in our neighbor’s good, while envy grieves over it.” Deeply or pathologically envious people tend to feel chronically hostile, resentful and angry. They are less likely to feel grateful, and are unpleasant to be around.
Underlying feelings of inferiority are often the roots of deep envy. When we feel inferior, we see other people as being somehow larger and better than us. We long to be like them, but we tell ourselves that we can’t. A feeling of despair, disgust, envy and longing develops along with anger and resentment. If we value ourselves, when life goes well we feel happy and secure, and when life goes badly we assure ourselves that we’ll be able to cope. If we don’t value ourselves, we never feel happy and secure, even when everything goes well.
Babies are born with boundless unselfconscious confidence; without a sense of inferiority or superiority. As a child grows, the messages from parents, other adults, siblings and peers determine the conclusions about personal worth and value and therefore determine self esteem.
Dr. Richard Smith and Dr. Sun Hee Kim, from the University of Kentucky recently published a comprehensive article describing the nature of envy as well as the negative effects it can have on mental and physical health. Drs. Smith and Kim suggest learning to recognize feelings of envy and challenge them with cognitive techniques, including: reminders of the negative impact of envious thoughts; distracting from the negative thoughts by refocusing on other more pleasant thoughts, memories, or plans; and finally a process of reminders of our own positive qualities and advantages.
Understanding and challenging underlying feelings of inferiority is important. No one is superior, no one is inferior, and everybody is ordinary. No one escapes the pain of living and we all suffer disappointment, loss, failure and death. We all have to try to cope with life as best we can. It is important to learn to celebrate other people’s success, knowing that no one – other than you - can be good at being you. One way or another, we’re all ridiculous and we’re all important. Envying others prevents truly valuing our own life.
Envy is the desire for others’ traits, status, abilities, or situation. It is felt when there is a perception that other people are much luckier, smarter, more attractive, and better. Historically considered one of the seven deadly sins (and in two the Ten Commandments of the Old Testament), envy is a “state in which the desired advantage enjoyed by another person or group of people causes a person to feel a painful blend of inferiority, hostility and resentment,” (Psychological Bulletin, 2007).
Some degree of envy toward those that have more is normal human nature. However, when there is a shift from “I wish I had what you have” to “I wish you did not have what you have”; there is ill will, and envy has become a destructive emotion. This level of envy where there is unhappiness at the good fortune of others can be harmful both mentally and physically. Medieval theologian St. Thomas Aquinas wrote, “Charity rejoices in our neighbor’s good, while envy grieves over it.” Deeply or pathologically envious people tend to feel chronically hostile, resentful and angry. They are less likely to feel grateful, and are unpleasant to be around.
Underlying feelings of inferiority are often the roots of deep envy. When we feel inferior, we see other people as being somehow larger and better than us. We long to be like them, but we tell ourselves that we can’t. A feeling of despair, disgust, envy and longing develops along with anger and resentment. If we value ourselves, when life goes well we feel happy and secure, and when life goes badly we assure ourselves that we’ll be able to cope. If we don’t value ourselves, we never feel happy and secure, even when everything goes well.
Babies are born with boundless unselfconscious confidence; without a sense of inferiority or superiority. As a child grows, the messages from parents, other adults, siblings and peers determine the conclusions about personal worth and value and therefore determine self esteem.
Dr. Richard Smith and Dr. Sun Hee Kim, from the University of Kentucky recently published a comprehensive article describing the nature of envy as well as the negative effects it can have on mental and physical health. Drs. Smith and Kim suggest learning to recognize feelings of envy and challenge them with cognitive techniques, including: reminders of the negative impact of envious thoughts; distracting from the negative thoughts by refocusing on other more pleasant thoughts, memories, or plans; and finally a process of reminders of our own positive qualities and advantages.
Understanding and challenging underlying feelings of inferiority is important. No one is superior, no one is inferior, and everybody is ordinary. No one escapes the pain of living and we all suffer disappointment, loss, failure and death. We all have to try to cope with life as best we can. It is important to learn to celebrate other people’s success, knowing that no one – other than you - can be good at being you. One way or another, we’re all ridiculous and we’re all important. Envying others prevents truly valuing our own life.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Making Changes in the New Year
As the New Year approaches resolutions are made; and too often broken within the first weeks of January. Change is hard. Self-improvement can be a struggle. There are ways to improve the abilility to make and keep those New Year's resolutions.
Many people believe that change is a matter of willpower and simply if you want something enough you will make it happen. I believe most of us have experienced that wanting something is not enough to effect change. Noah Blumenthal, a noted Life Coach, wrote in his book: You’re Addicted to You: Why It’s So Hard to Change and What You Can Do about It, that willpower alone won’t get you to change. He proposes 3 main strategies to assist in successfully accomplishing personal change.
Raise awareness. Understand your current behaviors and appreciate the impact of the behavior on you and those around you. The first step toward change is to be conscious of the NEED to change. You must recognize an issue and feel the desire for difference. Envision what you want. Consider writing it down and describing in detail your goal.
Build support. Identify and draw strength from a network of people who help make your change efforts more effective. People around you can both positively and negatively impact change. Change of one person in a group usually impacts the entire group to some degree and how the “system” responds greatly impacts overall success. As an example, imagine an individual who has made a clear, motivated decision to eat in a healthier and balance manner. While clearly an individual choice, it is easy to imagine how the people around can assist or sabotage progress. If a spouse, family, friends and coworkers are supportive or even share the goal, there will be fewer invitations to share late night binges, fast food meals, or encouragement to “get off track”. Talking with others about your dreams and goals is helpful.
Take action. Practice new behaviors. Remind yourself to avoid old behaviors. Review your progress. Each day, take small steps toward the change you are wanting. Change can happen only if people don’t set their expectations too high or try to tackle too many changes at once. Changes should be kept small and simple. The commonly held belief is that it takes about a month of repeated action to start forming a new habit. This requires that you remember to do the new thing at the appropriate time. For most of us, it will mean you have to develop a system to cue you to add the new behavior to your daily routine. Not always easy in busy, full lives.
Accomplishing positive change presents great opportunities. When you move past your comfort zone you find adventure, excitement and satisfaction. Often, what we really want is hidden beneath what we’ve settled for.
Many people believe that change is a matter of willpower and simply if you want something enough you will make it happen. I believe most of us have experienced that wanting something is not enough to effect change. Noah Blumenthal, a noted Life Coach, wrote in his book: You’re Addicted to You: Why It’s So Hard to Change and What You Can Do about It, that willpower alone won’t get you to change. He proposes 3 main strategies to assist in successfully accomplishing personal change.
Raise awareness. Understand your current behaviors and appreciate the impact of the behavior on you and those around you. The first step toward change is to be conscious of the NEED to change. You must recognize an issue and feel the desire for difference. Envision what you want. Consider writing it down and describing in detail your goal.
Build support. Identify and draw strength from a network of people who help make your change efforts more effective. People around you can both positively and negatively impact change. Change of one person in a group usually impacts the entire group to some degree and how the “system” responds greatly impacts overall success. As an example, imagine an individual who has made a clear, motivated decision to eat in a healthier and balance manner. While clearly an individual choice, it is easy to imagine how the people around can assist or sabotage progress. If a spouse, family, friends and coworkers are supportive or even share the goal, there will be fewer invitations to share late night binges, fast food meals, or encouragement to “get off track”. Talking with others about your dreams and goals is helpful.
Take action. Practice new behaviors. Remind yourself to avoid old behaviors. Review your progress. Each day, take small steps toward the change you are wanting. Change can happen only if people don’t set their expectations too high or try to tackle too many changes at once. Changes should be kept small and simple. The commonly held belief is that it takes about a month of repeated action to start forming a new habit. This requires that you remember to do the new thing at the appropriate time. For most of us, it will mean you have to develop a system to cue you to add the new behavior to your daily routine. Not always easy in busy, full lives.
Accomplishing positive change presents great opportunities. When you move past your comfort zone you find adventure, excitement and satisfaction. Often, what we really want is hidden beneath what we’ve settled for.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Just my thoughts ....
I have enjoyed writing a monthly article on mental health issues for a local publication for several years and I wanted to find a format to share my thoughts with others outside it's distribution area. My writings can be on marriage, parenting, stress, depression, anxiety, personal improvement . . . just about anything. I hope you find my thoughts of interest. Please share any questions, comments, or reactions.
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