Can Mothers Love Their Sons Too Much????

Unlike any other family relationship, the bond between mothers and sons is often criticized. There is a view that a close mother can damage her son, making him weak and dependent. Almost one hundred years ago, the developer of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud warned that sons who are raised by a doting mother are doomed to be “sexually confused”. In the 50’s and 60’s much revered pediatrician Dr. Benjamin Spock warned that mama’s boys might grow up “precocious, with feminine interests.” Within some cultures, this is accepted belief.

However, a recent book by Kate Stone Lombardi, The Mama’s Boy Myth - Why Keeping Our Sons Close Makes Them Stronger, argues that having a close mother-son relationship makes boys stronger and ultimately helps them be better men and spouses. Lombardi believes that mothers and sons face a stigmatization that other parent-child relationships don’t. It is acceptable when mothers and daughters are close, father-son relationships are viewed as very important, and father-daughter relationships are valued, “but mothers and sons – that relationship is always looks at with a little skepticism and a little fear”. Lombardi states: “The myth is that any boy close to his mom will be a sissy, a wimp, forever dependent and never a man who can have a relationship – and it is everywhere we look, in the movies, on TV.”

Lombardi’s book argues that for this generation of mothers and sons, the stereotypes are simply not true. While it is important to appreciate the positive impacts of boys having close relationships with their mothers; this does not imply that fathers are unimportant or without valuable contributions. Lombardi states, “Parenting is not a zero-sum game. You don’t have to be close to one parent and not the other. They both bring something.”

Lombardi is not alone in rejecting the references to the dangers of a close mother-son relationship. There are numerous psychological research projects that confirm boys who have a warm and supportive relationship with their mothers have better tools for communication and lower rates of depression and delinquency. One 2010 study conducted by Carlos Santos, Ph.D., a professor at Arizona State University, found that boys with closer relationships with their mothers “had a broader definition of masculinity and didn’t buy into the idea that men had to be stoic and not fight back at every moment. Being close to mom was good for their mental health.”

Research also shows that “mamma’s boys” are less vulnerable to peer pressure to do drugs and alcohol, and they tend to delay their first sexual experience and have less unprotected sex. A close maternal connection strengthens and confirms a son’s identity and helps him grow toward independence. Sons who are close to their moms have higher emotional intelligence, understand how to care for others, and how to relate and communicate with future wives. Mothers teach sons how to recognize and talk about feelings. The consensus of research confirms that to raise a son who is both strong and sensitive, it is important for moms to stay close to sons throughout their lives.

A strong mother-son relationship starts with consistency, patience, and emotional closeness, which are important for all babies; boys and girls. It is important to reject the cultural or family messages that pressure moms to distance from their sons as they move into adolescence and young adult life. The deep emotional connection between mothers and sons has been demonized for too long.


“There is an enduring tenderness in the love of a mother to a son that transcends all other affections of the heart.”
~Washington Irving~

Are You a Member of the Sandwich Generation?

If you are among the large and growing number of adults squeezed between the needs of an aging parent, relative or friend; and the demands of children, spouses and careers; you are a member of the Sandwich Generation – and you are not alone. Surveys estimate 22.4 million U.S. households – nearly one in four – now are providing some form of elder care. Baby boomers (those born between 1946 and 1965) are likely to spend more years caring for a parent than raising children; and for the first time in history, many families have more parents to care for than children to raise.

Fortunately, family ties are strong and studies show that most adult children feel very close to their parents. It is this love and a sense of responsibility that compels us to care for those who once cared for us. While we accept the responsibility for elder care, there is a multitude of issues and concerns associated with the Sandwich Generation and its conflicting care giving demands.

Today, most people live into their seventies and eighties, and many live into their nineties. Just as toddlers and teenagers cause certain kinds of family crises, so do aging and ill parents. Elders face unique challenges and concerns. As people age they may need help with anything from finances to driving. Elders move from the “young-old” stage where reasonable good health is enjoyed and basic needs can be independently met, to the “old-old” stage with serious illness where the need for help is critical. At times assistance with household tasks, transportation and shopping allows elders to live independently. However, as the needs progress due to illness or frailty, the care giving tasks become more demanding.

The greatest challenge for many elders is learning to accept vulnerability and ask for help. Mary Pipher, Ph.D. suggests in her powerful book: Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders, it is helpful to view life as a time line. She writes: “we realize that all of us are sometimes more and sometimes less dependent on others. At certain stages we are caretakers, and at other stages we are cared for. Neither state is superior to the other. Neither implies pathology or weakness. Both are just the result of life having seasons and circumstances. In fact, good mental health is not a matter of dependent or independent, but of being able to accept the stage one is in with grace and dignity. It’s an awareness of being, over the course of one’s lifetime, continually interdependent.”

There are wonderful benefits to intergenerational family experiences. Caring for parents often means that children have more time with grandparents, which is good for children at any age but especially important for teenagers. Grandparents tend to be wiser and kinder than adolescent peers. They are less busy than parents. When children assist and participate in the lives of elders they have an opportunity to appreciate the value of being truly helpful and grow in their understanding of other generations.

Members of the Sandwich Generation need practical help balancing family obligations. Too many caregivers think they are failures if they don’t successfully keep all needs met. It’s not realistic to think one person can know or do everything. Take advantage of outside services, allow yourself a break from continual care, and enlist the support of family and friends. Most communities offer a variety of helpful resources that provide everything from day care for the elderly to opportunities for socialization and enjoyable activities.

Assisting in the care of elder parents while still raising children is a rewarding, important, but daunting task. It is most helpful to define this care as a family shared joyful responsibility where each generation has its own gifts to share with the other generations.

They're Baaaack - When the Empty Nest Refills!!

Congratulations to the college graduating class of 2010. College graduation is an exciting time of transition and new beginnings. However, not everything is new! For many, the first step is a move back home with mom and dad.

CollegeGrad.com is the foremost job site for entry-level positions and conducts an annual online survey of new college graduates. The trend is clear - college grads are increasingly moving home after graduation. Last year, 80% of the graduating class of college kids moved back home with their parents, up from 77% in 2008, 73% in 2007, and 67% in 2006. The class of 2010 will no doubt follow this pattern.

These young adults aren’t generally spoiled “slackers” and there are several factors contributing to this trend. The economy is very unfriendly for job seekers at any level and college graduates are competing for employment with more experienced and seasoned applicants. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, in October 2009, unemployment of 20 to 24 year olds was at 15.6%, compared to 8.7% for people over 25. Additionally, there is a huge gap today in what an entry level job – assuming you can find one – pays and what it costs to live.

Another factor identified is that students born in the 1980’s and 1990’s tend to have closer ties with their parents, and feel no stigma to moving back home after graduation. Aaron Krasnow, a counselor at a major university, discusses this trend. He states that in “previous generations, parents thought they were helping their children become independent by pushing them out the door – but boomer parents are more likely to welcome that their children stay home longer.” He further states, “generally speaking, this generation of parents is closer to their kids than any before them.”

Parents of past generations grew up in an era where after finishing your education; you got a job, moved out, got married and had kids - - in that order. Today there is simply not the same consistent blueprint. Today’s young adults typically do not marry immediately after school and may wait years before starting a family. The traditional path to adult life is simply not uniformly followed by this generation.

Parents who welcome back their adult children should keep in mind that their children deserve to be treated with respect, and should not be treated like small children who still need to be guided about how to eat or dress, when to go to bed and how late to stay out at night.
It is easy to slip back into old roles, but it’s not healthy for anyone. When an adult child moves back home parents are still entitled to enjoy freedom, time together as a couple, and a quiet, peaceful home. Your grown child is entitled to be treated as an adult, a role that includes freedoms and responsibilities.

Studies show that the return to the nest can be positive when there is an honest and open discussion about expectations. Laying down ground rules about the sharing of household chores (making dinner, doing laundry, food shopping, or running household errands)-either in place of or in addition to any rent; financial issues; and time limits for the arrangement is crucial. Having children return to the nest can be a wonderful time of family closeness but only if there is a clear understanding of expectations.

The transition for both parents and adult children can be very difficult. Expect bumps and address any issues before resentments develop. With mutual respect and acceptance, parents and their young adult children can establish boundaries as they transition through the next season of life.

Just my thoughts ....

I have enjoyed writing a monthly article on mental health issues for a local publication for several years and I wanted to find a format to share my thoughts with others outside it's distribution area. My writings can be on marriage, parenting, stress, depression, anxiety, personal improvement . . . just about anything. I hope you find my thoughts of interest. Please share any questions, comments, or reactions.