While the role of mothers on the development of children is well established, research is also clear on the essential contributions an involved father makes in the lives of his children. There is a upsurge of interest in this issue, and a new science of “fatherhood” was born as psychologists, geneticists, neuroscientists, anthropologists, and sociologists all began to investigate the role of fathers in their children’s and families’ lives.
In many ways fathers have been minimized as little more than sources of authority and economic stability in the lives of children. However, research shows that fathers play many roles in the family, including those of companions, care providers, spouses, protectors, role models, moral guides, teachers and breadwinners.
Many of the findings of this new science of fatherhood have appeared in scholarly journals and not available to the public. Psychologist, award winning journalist, and father of five, Paul Raeburn has authored Do Fathers Matter? What Science Is Telling Us About the Parent We’ve Overlooked, to be published for Father’s Day, 2014. Dr. Raeburn has spent the past eight years investigating fatherhood and his book pulls together the research and explains what it means for fathers, families, and children.
Dr. Raeburn overturns many myths and stereotypes of fatherhood as he examines the latest scientific findings. Drawing on research from neuroscientists, animal behaviorists, geneticists, and developmental psychologists, Raeburn examines the stages of fatherhood, revealing the profound emotional and physiological connections between children and fathers, from conception through adolescence and into adulthood.
Some of the findings about paternal influence over the life span Dr. Raeburn shares are:
1. At Conception. Biologist David Haig has detected that some paternal genes push a fetus to extract as much nourishment and energy from the mother as possible while some maternal genes seek to deliver the fetus only as much as it needs.
2. In Pregnancy. A recent University of South Florida study shows that infants whose fathers were absent during pregnancy were more likely to be born prematurely or with lower birth weights than those whose fathers were present.
3. At Birth. From the 1930’s to the late 1960’s, fathers were most often not a part of the birthing process. As men routinely were welcome into the delivery room, women reported feeling less pain, and requests for pain medication declined. Additionally, men present for their children’s birth report being more attached to their infants and more involved in their care.
4. Toddlerhood. Swedish researchers found that kids whose fathers helped care for them, played with them, and took them on outings had fewer behavioral problems in early childhood and a lower likelihood of delinquency as adolescents.
5. Early Childhood. Researchers have shown that fathers have more impact on language development than mothers. It is hypothesized that since mothers spend more time with children, they’re more likely to use words with which kids are most familiar, while fathers, less attuned to the child’s “linguistic comfort zone”, introduce a wider vocabulary.
6. The Teen Years. It has been widely known that girls with absent fathers tend to reach puberty earlier and have higher rates of teen pregnancy. Psychologist Sarah Hill of Texas Christian University states that she believes a father’s absence delivers girls a subconscious cue about “the mating system they are born into: Men will not stick around, so they need to find mates quickly.” Their genes then effectively push the girls into early puberty.
Dr. Raeburn’s book identifies how the role of the father is distinctly different from that of the mother, and that embracing a fathers’ significance in the lives of children is a benefit to all.
“Do Father’s Matter?”….the answer is a clear YES!
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
The Impact of Pets on Mental Wellness
Americans love their pets. A recent survey by the American Veterinary Medical Association (AVMA) shows that more than 57% of U.S. households include one or more animals as pets. Many pet lovers intuitively appreciate that quality of life is enhanced from the relationships with animal companions. Numerous scientific studies performed over the past 25 years confirm that physical and emotion health is improved when life is shared with a loved pet.
“Pet ownership is good for your health both physically and psychologically”, says Connecticut psychologist Herbert Neiburg, author of Pet Loss: A Thoughtful Guide for Adults and Children (HarperCollins). Additionally, the CDC identifies the following health benefits of pet companionship: decreases in blood pressure, cholesterol levels, triglyceride levels (indicators of heart disease); and feelings of loneliness.
Having pets reduce stress immensely. A study recently published in the Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine showed pet interaction reduces the amount of stress related hormones. Additionally, these positive effects are experienced faster than the impact of many drugs taken for stress. The decrease in stress hormones occurred after only 5 to 24 minutes of pleasantly interacting with a dog. Other studies have shown that when people are asked to do a stressful task, having their pet with them lowers their stress levels even more than having a supportive friend or their spouse close by.
Pets can help prevent loneliness and isolation. They provide unconditional love, companionship and the opportunity for close connection. Pets encourage playfulness and often revive a sense of fun and adventure in their owners. Physical contact is important to good mental health and loved animal companions provide an opportunity for hugs and touch that might otherwise be missing.
Pets have been found to be especially therapeutic for people with mood and anxiety disorders. Dog ownership has been implicated in helping to alleviate symptoms of depression among terminally ill patients, the elderly, and veterans suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
Elders can be particularly at risk of becoming lonely, isolated and depressed. Research looked at people 60 and older, who lived alone. The likelihood that a non-pet owner would be diagnosed as clinically depressed was four times higher than that found in the pet owning people of the same age. There was also evidence that these older pet owners required fewer medical services and were generally more satisfied with their lives.
Children benefit greatly from the relationships with pets. Some studies have suggested that children with pets have higher self-esteem and lower levels of fear than those from pet-free homes. New research in the journal Pediatrics, shows that children who live in a home with a pet during their first year of life are more likely to be healthier. “It’s more support in a growing body of evidence that exposure to pets early in life can stimulate the immune system to do a better job of fighting off infection,” Dr. Danielle Fisher, of St. John’s Health Center in Santa Monica, California.
Additionally children learn responsibility, compassion, and empathy from having pets. Pets are never critical and don’t give orders. They always love and provide a sense of security. Studies have shown that pets can help calm hyperactive or overly aggressive children.
As wonderful and beneficial as life with pets can be, it is not for everyone. Owning a pet is comforting only for those who love and appreciate domestic animals. If you’re simply not a “pet person”, pet ownership is not going to provide you with any therapeutic benefits or improve your life.
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.”
~Ben Williams~
“Pet ownership is good for your health both physically and psychologically”, says Connecticut psychologist Herbert Neiburg, author of Pet Loss: A Thoughtful Guide for Adults and Children (HarperCollins). Additionally, the CDC identifies the following health benefits of pet companionship: decreases in blood pressure, cholesterol levels, triglyceride levels (indicators of heart disease); and feelings of loneliness.
Having pets reduce stress immensely. A study recently published in the Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine showed pet interaction reduces the amount of stress related hormones. Additionally, these positive effects are experienced faster than the impact of many drugs taken for stress. The decrease in stress hormones occurred after only 5 to 24 minutes of pleasantly interacting with a dog. Other studies have shown that when people are asked to do a stressful task, having their pet with them lowers their stress levels even more than having a supportive friend or their spouse close by.
Pets can help prevent loneliness and isolation. They provide unconditional love, companionship and the opportunity for close connection. Pets encourage playfulness and often revive a sense of fun and adventure in their owners. Physical contact is important to good mental health and loved animal companions provide an opportunity for hugs and touch that might otherwise be missing.
Pets have been found to be especially therapeutic for people with mood and anxiety disorders. Dog ownership has been implicated in helping to alleviate symptoms of depression among terminally ill patients, the elderly, and veterans suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
Elders can be particularly at risk of becoming lonely, isolated and depressed. Research looked at people 60 and older, who lived alone. The likelihood that a non-pet owner would be diagnosed as clinically depressed was four times higher than that found in the pet owning people of the same age. There was also evidence that these older pet owners required fewer medical services and were generally more satisfied with their lives.
Children benefit greatly from the relationships with pets. Some studies have suggested that children with pets have higher self-esteem and lower levels of fear than those from pet-free homes. New research in the journal Pediatrics, shows that children who live in a home with a pet during their first year of life are more likely to be healthier. “It’s more support in a growing body of evidence that exposure to pets early in life can stimulate the immune system to do a better job of fighting off infection,” Dr. Danielle Fisher, of St. John’s Health Center in Santa Monica, California.
Additionally children learn responsibility, compassion, and empathy from having pets. Pets are never critical and don’t give orders. They always love and provide a sense of security. Studies have shown that pets can help calm hyperactive or overly aggressive children.
As wonderful and beneficial as life with pets can be, it is not for everyone. Owning a pet is comforting only for those who love and appreciate domestic animals. If you’re simply not a “pet person”, pet ownership is not going to provide you with any therapeutic benefits or improve your life.
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.”
~Ben Williams~
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Healing from Unhealthy Guilt and Shame
Guilt and shame are human emotions which develop in early life. Research suggests that guilt begins to develop around the ages of three to six, while shame occurs much earlier – from fifteen months to age three. Guilt is a more mature reaction to mistakes than shame; and while guilt can be used to motivate change, it can also become unhealthy when unresolved or disproportionate.
Guilt involves self-blame or sense of responsibility for a regretted thought or action. True guilt is what is felt when facts justify the level of responsibility and regret. Perceived guilt is what is felt when responsibility is accepted for something outside of personal control or when the consequences are misinterpreted. Unhealthy guilt can occur when there are unreasonably high standards that result in guilt when unmet.
Guilt can be a helpful emotion when it is justified. It motives to learn from mistakes and make changes. The initial conscience pang when something is in conflict with values prompts a realization of a mistake and a desire to make changes. Healthy people use self-chastisement to steer themselves back on course.
Shame is hardly ever a helpful or motivating emotion and creates a sense of worthlessness or inadequacy. Internalized shame can also lead to other unconstructive actions including: attacking or striking out at others in an attempt to feel better; seeking power and perfection; blaming others for personal faults; being self-sacrificing and attempting to please everyone; and withdraw to numb against the feelings of guilt and shame. Shame is fear based and drives to hide or protect from scrutiny.
When the burden of extreme guilt or shame is carried, there is low self-esteem. The sense of low self-worth creates issues that compromise mental health and can become destructive, debilitating emotions. They can create serious negative consequences such as: alcoholism, drug abuse, and other types of self-destructive behavior; depression, unfulfilled lives, and relationship problems. By differentiating between the action and the actor, we can prevent shame and its negative connotations, while still encouraging a healthy sense of right, wrong, and guilt when necessary.
Steps to accept mistakes without unhealthy guilt or shame:
1. Admit and accept wrong. It is okay to make mistakes, as long as one benefits from the experience.
2. Learn the lesson. Offer thoughtful consideration of underlying motivations that led to mistaken action.
3. Forgive yourself. Self-forgiveness is not abdicating responsibility. It is seeing mistakes as opportunities for learning rather than personal failure.
4. Make amends if possible. A sincere, well-executed apology has the potential to help heal wounds; both for the person who feels guilty as well as for those who were wronged. However, the injured person may not accept even a sincere apology. This is beyond personal control but the action of offering amends is important.
5. Change your behavior so you don’t make the same mistake again.
6. Lose the guilt and move forward with life. This step is the natural conclusion if the previous five steps are taken.
When we feel guilt, it’s about something we did. When we feel shame, it’s about who we are. When we feel guilty we need to learn that it’s OK to make mistakes. When we feel shame we need to learn that it’s OK to be who we are!
Guilt involves self-blame or sense of responsibility for a regretted thought or action. True guilt is what is felt when facts justify the level of responsibility and regret. Perceived guilt is what is felt when responsibility is accepted for something outside of personal control or when the consequences are misinterpreted. Unhealthy guilt can occur when there are unreasonably high standards that result in guilt when unmet.
Guilt can be a helpful emotion when it is justified. It motives to learn from mistakes and make changes. The initial conscience pang when something is in conflict with values prompts a realization of a mistake and a desire to make changes. Healthy people use self-chastisement to steer themselves back on course.
Shame is hardly ever a helpful or motivating emotion and creates a sense of worthlessness or inadequacy. Internalized shame can also lead to other unconstructive actions including: attacking or striking out at others in an attempt to feel better; seeking power and perfection; blaming others for personal faults; being self-sacrificing and attempting to please everyone; and withdraw to numb against the feelings of guilt and shame. Shame is fear based and drives to hide or protect from scrutiny.
When the burden of extreme guilt or shame is carried, there is low self-esteem. The sense of low self-worth creates issues that compromise mental health and can become destructive, debilitating emotions. They can create serious negative consequences such as: alcoholism, drug abuse, and other types of self-destructive behavior; depression, unfulfilled lives, and relationship problems. By differentiating between the action and the actor, we can prevent shame and its negative connotations, while still encouraging a healthy sense of right, wrong, and guilt when necessary.
Steps to accept mistakes without unhealthy guilt or shame:
1. Admit and accept wrong. It is okay to make mistakes, as long as one benefits from the experience.
2. Learn the lesson. Offer thoughtful consideration of underlying motivations that led to mistaken action.
3. Forgive yourself. Self-forgiveness is not abdicating responsibility. It is seeing mistakes as opportunities for learning rather than personal failure.
4. Make amends if possible. A sincere, well-executed apology has the potential to help heal wounds; both for the person who feels guilty as well as for those who were wronged. However, the injured person may not accept even a sincere apology. This is beyond personal control but the action of offering amends is important.
5. Change your behavior so you don’t make the same mistake again.
6. Lose the guilt and move forward with life. This step is the natural conclusion if the previous five steps are taken.
When we feel guilt, it’s about something we did. When we feel shame, it’s about who we are. When we feel guilty we need to learn that it’s OK to make mistakes. When we feel shame we need to learn that it’s OK to be who we are!
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Weddings Should Be About More than a Beautiful Day
It’s wedding season – and weddings are fun! Weddings are the birth of a marriage – and are about more than the perfect dress, beautiful flowers, a wonderful meal, and a great party. Sometimes the excitement of getting engaged or planning a wedding can overshadow some of the more important issues about the decision to marry. Making the wedding more about a marriage is important!
Engagement and marriage is one of the most significant psychological transitions in life. It involves more than just finding true love. Often engaged couples believe that their relationship will not experience the relationship problems other couples face. However, nearly half of marriages end in divorce so clearly this belief is incorrect in many cases.
To have a healthy marriage, each partner has to be mentally and emotionally mature. This means having a strong sense of self. Rushing into marriage before becoming a “grown up” rarely is successful. Being in love is simply not enough!
Plan your marriage – not just your wedding! This is about more than one day. The popular TV personality Dr. Phil advises engaged couples to consider developing an emotional prenuptial agreement, outlining how you’ll handle children, discipline, sex, money, household chores, religion, careers, in-laws …… the list goes on. It may not be very romantic, but marriage isn’t all romance – it’s also collaboration and if you don’t plan for and discuss tough issues – you won’t be able to successfully merge two lives together.
Some engaged couples participate in formal pre-marital counseling before their big day. Such professional sessions can assist in examining compatibility and conflict resolution style. Investing in preparation counseling sessions provides a format for couples to discuss and understand the “hot topics”. Of course, these discussions can occur outside of a professional’s office. The goal is to communicate openly and honestly about what is important to each of you. Not everything can or will be covered before the wedding but by learning effective communication skills, a couple can learn how to navigate future issues of conflict. This skill is critical in marriage.
Agreement on all the issues is not the goal. During these premarital discussions, if you agree on everything, someone isn’t being honest. You are different people and will disagree! However, being able to express strong feelings and respectfully accept a partner’s strong feelings is essential. Finding where you are willing to and how to find that important middle ground is a necessary skill in all marriages.
Living intimately with another person requires making decisions together. It requires consideration of another’s view. Be sure to identify and communicate needs and expectations. It is not selfish to know what is most important to you. Be honest with yourself and your partner about your “non-negotiables” – the deal breakers. We all have them – it is important to understand what they are for you and your partner.
Pre-marital counselor, Dr. Rich Nicastro offers the following five questions for engaged couples to consider:
1. Why do you want to get married? A feeling that “it’s time” is not enough.
2. Why do you want to marry this person? “Because I love him/her” is not enough.
3. What core values do you share with your future spouse? Compatibility on values matter.
4. What are the main differences between the two of you? Understanding and accepting differences are important.
5. How do you envision married life? Discuss expectations.
If a wedding is planned for your families’ summer, take the time to discuss how the wedding day should be the celebration and beginning of a beautiful marriage.
Engagement and marriage is one of the most significant psychological transitions in life. It involves more than just finding true love. Often engaged couples believe that their relationship will not experience the relationship problems other couples face. However, nearly half of marriages end in divorce so clearly this belief is incorrect in many cases.
To have a healthy marriage, each partner has to be mentally and emotionally mature. This means having a strong sense of self. Rushing into marriage before becoming a “grown up” rarely is successful. Being in love is simply not enough!
Plan your marriage – not just your wedding! This is about more than one day. The popular TV personality Dr. Phil advises engaged couples to consider developing an emotional prenuptial agreement, outlining how you’ll handle children, discipline, sex, money, household chores, religion, careers, in-laws …… the list goes on. It may not be very romantic, but marriage isn’t all romance – it’s also collaboration and if you don’t plan for and discuss tough issues – you won’t be able to successfully merge two lives together.
Some engaged couples participate in formal pre-marital counseling before their big day. Such professional sessions can assist in examining compatibility and conflict resolution style. Investing in preparation counseling sessions provides a format for couples to discuss and understand the “hot topics”. Of course, these discussions can occur outside of a professional’s office. The goal is to communicate openly and honestly about what is important to each of you. Not everything can or will be covered before the wedding but by learning effective communication skills, a couple can learn how to navigate future issues of conflict. This skill is critical in marriage.
Agreement on all the issues is not the goal. During these premarital discussions, if you agree on everything, someone isn’t being honest. You are different people and will disagree! However, being able to express strong feelings and respectfully accept a partner’s strong feelings is essential. Finding where you are willing to and how to find that important middle ground is a necessary skill in all marriages.
Living intimately with another person requires making decisions together. It requires consideration of another’s view. Be sure to identify and communicate needs and expectations. It is not selfish to know what is most important to you. Be honest with yourself and your partner about your “non-negotiables” – the deal breakers. We all have them – it is important to understand what they are for you and your partner.
Pre-marital counselor, Dr. Rich Nicastro offers the following five questions for engaged couples to consider:
1. Why do you want to get married? A feeling that “it’s time” is not enough.
2. Why do you want to marry this person? “Because I love him/her” is not enough.
3. What core values do you share with your future spouse? Compatibility on values matter.
4. What are the main differences between the two of you? Understanding and accepting differences are important.
5. How do you envision married life? Discuss expectations.
If a wedding is planned for your families’ summer, take the time to discuss how the wedding day should be the celebration and beginning of a beautiful marriage.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Are You Speaking Your Valentine’s Language?
The Five Love Languages (1992) by Dr. Gary Chapman is an international bestseller that has helped many couples improve their relationship. This book is based on the basic principles that (1) each person expresses and experiences love differently; (2) seldom do a husband and wife share the same primary love language; and (3) problems in marriage can come from the assumptions made about how to express love.
One important tool in keeping a marriage healthy is to express love to your spouse in a way that your spouse understands. Dr. Chapman asserts that many struggle with feelings of not being loved when in fact one or both spouses express love in ways not shared by their partner. By recognizing different love languages, more experiences of being loved and loving are possible. Of course there are many ways to show love, but Chapman identifies five key love languages. While each is important, there is typically identification with one of the following primarily love languages:
• Words of Affirmation: This love language involves compliments, appreciations, words of encouragement, and gentle use of language. Positive verbal expressions are experienced as love and insults are devastating and long remembered.
• Quality Time: This language is when love is felt through genuine sharing, listening, and shared time and activities. This language is when full undivided attention is important to feeling special and loved. For this language, distractions, postponed dates, or failure to listen can be very hurtful.
• Receiving Gifts: This love language is not about simple materialism but rather on the importance of the unique effort and thoughtfulness of a specially chosen symbol of love that represents the value of the relationship. The care involved in choosing something special that has unique meaning is experienced as love.
• Acts of Service: Yes, for some cleaning the toilet can say “I love you”. Any freely given “gift” of doing for your spouse can be a way to show love if your spouse has Acts of Service as a primary love language. However, broken promises or laziness may communicate a sense that their feelings don’t matter.
• Physical Touch: This is not just about sexual touch. It is about all affection that can be ways to show concern, care and love. For a person with this primary love language, hugs, touch, and physical affection are vitally important and experienced as love.
Some difficulties in marriage can be avoided by insuring both partners know, understand, and communicate using the right love language. A wife who is longing to have a special date night with her husband may not recognize his “I love you” when he fixes the leaking sink; and the husband needing to hear appreciations for his long hours and sacrifice to provide monetarily for his family may not feel loved with the new watch selected by his spouse. There is no “correct” language, but because each person has a preference, it is important to find how your spouse experiences love and make the efforts to express love using that language.
It is not difficult to identify your love language. Very often, your language (what you want) is how you express love to others. However, if you are unsure, Chapman has a very short and easy quiz in his book and online (www.5lovelanguages.com) designed to identify you and your spouse’s primary and secondary love language. Use of this knowledge may improve your marriage.
One important tool in keeping a marriage healthy is to express love to your spouse in a way that your spouse understands. Dr. Chapman asserts that many struggle with feelings of not being loved when in fact one or both spouses express love in ways not shared by their partner. By recognizing different love languages, more experiences of being loved and loving are possible. Of course there are many ways to show love, but Chapman identifies five key love languages. While each is important, there is typically identification with one of the following primarily love languages:
• Words of Affirmation: This love language involves compliments, appreciations, words of encouragement, and gentle use of language. Positive verbal expressions are experienced as love and insults are devastating and long remembered.
• Quality Time: This language is when love is felt through genuine sharing, listening, and shared time and activities. This language is when full undivided attention is important to feeling special and loved. For this language, distractions, postponed dates, or failure to listen can be very hurtful.
• Receiving Gifts: This love language is not about simple materialism but rather on the importance of the unique effort and thoughtfulness of a specially chosen symbol of love that represents the value of the relationship. The care involved in choosing something special that has unique meaning is experienced as love.
• Acts of Service: Yes, for some cleaning the toilet can say “I love you”. Any freely given “gift” of doing for your spouse can be a way to show love if your spouse has Acts of Service as a primary love language. However, broken promises or laziness may communicate a sense that their feelings don’t matter.
• Physical Touch: This is not just about sexual touch. It is about all affection that can be ways to show concern, care and love. For a person with this primary love language, hugs, touch, and physical affection are vitally important and experienced as love.
Some difficulties in marriage can be avoided by insuring both partners know, understand, and communicate using the right love language. A wife who is longing to have a special date night with her husband may not recognize his “I love you” when he fixes the leaking sink; and the husband needing to hear appreciations for his long hours and sacrifice to provide monetarily for his family may not feel loved with the new watch selected by his spouse. There is no “correct” language, but because each person has a preference, it is important to find how your spouse experiences love and make the efforts to express love using that language.
It is not difficult to identify your love language. Very often, your language (what you want) is how you express love to others. However, if you are unsure, Chapman has a very short and easy quiz in his book and online (www.5lovelanguages.com) designed to identify you and your spouse’s primary and secondary love language. Use of this knowledge may improve your marriage.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Holiday Stress and Depression
For some, the holidays bring unwelcome guests – stress and depression.
Due to unrealistic efforts to pull off a perfect Hallmark holiday, it is easy to become overwhelmed with the competing demands of work, parties, baking, cleaning, kids on school break, and out-of-town trips or visitors.
Holiday stress typically has three main trigger points: Relationships, Finances, and Physical Demands. While relationships can cause turmoil at any time; with heightened tensions during the holiday season, family misunderstandings and conflicts can intensify. If you have an expectation that difficult relationships will improve just because it’s the holidays, you are likely to be disappointed. Nothing magical “just happens” during the holiday season. Try to accept family members and friends as they are and practice forgiveness.
Additionally, if you have had a recent loss, the holidays may increase feelings of loneliness or sadness. You may want to avoid some of the festivities because they are so out of sync with how you’re feeling. You can’t force yourself to be happy just because it’s the holidays. Try to tell those around you what you really need, since they may not know how to help. Consider volunteering at a community or religious function. Getting involved and helping others can lift your spirits.
Like relationships, finances can be a stress at any time and given the current financial uncertainties and fears, this year may be particularly difficult. Overspending during the holidays is a national habit. The sticker shock after the gifts, travel and entertainment expenses can create a financial spiral that can result in depression symptoms such as hopelessness, sadness and helplessness. Not exceeding your budget is important. When shopping, look for how you can show love and caring with something meaningful and personal that doesn’t cost a lot. Other alternatives are to donate to a charity in someone’s name, give homemade gifts or start a family gift exchange.
The strain of shopping, preparing meals, entertaining, and social commitments is physically exhausting. Over commitments, lack of exercise, and overindulgence in unhealthy food and drink choices contribute to the physical stress of the holidays. Learn to say no and forget about perfection. Ask for help. Plan ahead and do as much as you can in advance. Take time out. Eat well, get enough rest, and make time for yourself. Be realistic about what you can and cannot do. Pace yourself and prioritize the important activities.
Children love the holidays but they too can feel stress, especially if parents are stressed. Reducing kids’ holiday stress is similar to minimizing your own. Stick with routine as much as possible and make sure your children eat nutritious foods and get enough rest and exercise. Families can work together to relieve holiday stress by making time for family fun and sharing the holiday chores so that the whole family is involved. Children have to learn that their wish is not someone’s command and to curb their desires for instant gratification. Make a family vow that this year you’ll get back to the real essence of the holidays.
Practicing good self care during any time of stress is essential. Pay attention to your own needs and feelings and find activities that are enjoyable. Examine your expectations and make sure they’re realistic. Don’t worry too much about details – live in the moment as much as possible and look for meaningful experiences throughout the season. Many people dread the holidays because their inner experience is so different from what is being hyped. While maybe not “the most wonderful time of the year” the holidays can be a time for reflection, joy and to reconnect with friends and family.
Due to unrealistic efforts to pull off a perfect Hallmark holiday, it is easy to become overwhelmed with the competing demands of work, parties, baking, cleaning, kids on school break, and out-of-town trips or visitors.
Holiday stress typically has three main trigger points: Relationships, Finances, and Physical Demands. While relationships can cause turmoil at any time; with heightened tensions during the holiday season, family misunderstandings and conflicts can intensify. If you have an expectation that difficult relationships will improve just because it’s the holidays, you are likely to be disappointed. Nothing magical “just happens” during the holiday season. Try to accept family members and friends as they are and practice forgiveness.
Additionally, if you have had a recent loss, the holidays may increase feelings of loneliness or sadness. You may want to avoid some of the festivities because they are so out of sync with how you’re feeling. You can’t force yourself to be happy just because it’s the holidays. Try to tell those around you what you really need, since they may not know how to help. Consider volunteering at a community or religious function. Getting involved and helping others can lift your spirits.
Like relationships, finances can be a stress at any time and given the current financial uncertainties and fears, this year may be particularly difficult. Overspending during the holidays is a national habit. The sticker shock after the gifts, travel and entertainment expenses can create a financial spiral that can result in depression symptoms such as hopelessness, sadness and helplessness. Not exceeding your budget is important. When shopping, look for how you can show love and caring with something meaningful and personal that doesn’t cost a lot. Other alternatives are to donate to a charity in someone’s name, give homemade gifts or start a family gift exchange.
The strain of shopping, preparing meals, entertaining, and social commitments is physically exhausting. Over commitments, lack of exercise, and overindulgence in unhealthy food and drink choices contribute to the physical stress of the holidays. Learn to say no and forget about perfection. Ask for help. Plan ahead and do as much as you can in advance. Take time out. Eat well, get enough rest, and make time for yourself. Be realistic about what you can and cannot do. Pace yourself and prioritize the important activities.
Children love the holidays but they too can feel stress, especially if parents are stressed. Reducing kids’ holiday stress is similar to minimizing your own. Stick with routine as much as possible and make sure your children eat nutritious foods and get enough rest and exercise. Families can work together to relieve holiday stress by making time for family fun and sharing the holiday chores so that the whole family is involved. Children have to learn that their wish is not someone’s command and to curb their desires for instant gratification. Make a family vow that this year you’ll get back to the real essence of the holidays.
Practicing good self care during any time of stress is essential. Pay attention to your own needs and feelings and find activities that are enjoyable. Examine your expectations and make sure they’re realistic. Don’t worry too much about details – live in the moment as much as possible and look for meaningful experiences throughout the season. Many people dread the holidays because their inner experience is so different from what is being hyped. While maybe not “the most wonderful time of the year” the holidays can be a time for reflection, joy and to reconnect with friends and family.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
How Important is Willpower?
In recent months the American Psychological Association (APA) has released several papers examining the role of willpower on life choices and making life changes. There is important ongoing research which is increasing the understanding of the role of willpower in everyday life.
Willpower is best defined as the ability to delay gratification, resist short-term temptations so that long-term goals are more effectively and consistently met. Roy F. Baumeister, Ph.D., a social psychologist at Florida State University, is one of the field’s leading researchers and has recently released his newest book, Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength which examines much of the current understanding on the importance of willpower in successful living.
Research suggests that willpower is correlated with positive life outcomes such as higher self-esteem, greater financial security and improved physical and mental health. Students who rank high on self-discipline have better grades, better school attendance, and higher standardized-test scores.
Psychology has identified two primary qualities that strongly impact success: intelligence and willpower. Perhaps surprising to some, level of self-discipline has been shown to be more important than intelligence in predicting academic success. This is important because while there is little that can be done to improve the level of intellectual functioning; research suggests that there are tools to improve willpower and self-control.
Improving the level of self-control and discipline in everyday life has the potential to make a significant and beneficial difference in the quality of life. Willpower touches nearly all aspects of making healthy decisions. Whether it is healthy eating, regular exercise, avoiding drugs and alcohol, studying more, working harder, or financial discipline, the importance of maintaining focus on the bigger picture and the long range goal is undeniable.
Many studies have found that people perform less successfully on tests of self-control when there have been a significant succession of demands for self-control. It is very often advised to “change one thing at a time” rather than setting too many goals at once. This research confirms the importance of this approach as demanding too much control and discipline when focusing on a long term goal is counterproductive.
Studies show that self-control may be strengthened by the foods we eat and when we eat. Glucose is the chemical in the bloodstream that carries energy to the brain, muscles and other organs. Low levels of glucose predict poor performance on self-control tasks. If your goal is to lose weight, letting your blood sugar drop too low will very likely sabotage your ability to stick with your food plan because your will power will be lower. Even if your goal is not food related, maintaining a good brain chemistry balance is important.
It was found that the same energy used for self-control is also used for making decisions. The research suggests that making too many decisions seems to deplete willpower. After experiencing a time where many decisions are required, people perform worse at tasks requiring self-control. Therefore, it is important to not overwhelm yourself with continuous unrelated demands when attempting to exercise self-control.
Some research suggests self-control can be improved through practice by focusing on small tasks in order to strengthen willpower for the bigger challenges. Dr. Baumeister asserts that “as with a muscle, willpower gets stronger from regular exercise”. Engaging in less difficult self-control activities such as a vow to stop swearing, to make the bed every day or to give up just one food for a couple weeks produces improvement in self-control when the focus is on bigger challenges. Start small and move forward from there.
Willpower is best defined as the ability to delay gratification, resist short-term temptations so that long-term goals are more effectively and consistently met. Roy F. Baumeister, Ph.D., a social psychologist at Florida State University, is one of the field’s leading researchers and has recently released his newest book, Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength which examines much of the current understanding on the importance of willpower in successful living.
Research suggests that willpower is correlated with positive life outcomes such as higher self-esteem, greater financial security and improved physical and mental health. Students who rank high on self-discipline have better grades, better school attendance, and higher standardized-test scores.
Psychology has identified two primary qualities that strongly impact success: intelligence and willpower. Perhaps surprising to some, level of self-discipline has been shown to be more important than intelligence in predicting academic success. This is important because while there is little that can be done to improve the level of intellectual functioning; research suggests that there are tools to improve willpower and self-control.
Improving the level of self-control and discipline in everyday life has the potential to make a significant and beneficial difference in the quality of life. Willpower touches nearly all aspects of making healthy decisions. Whether it is healthy eating, regular exercise, avoiding drugs and alcohol, studying more, working harder, or financial discipline, the importance of maintaining focus on the bigger picture and the long range goal is undeniable.
Many studies have found that people perform less successfully on tests of self-control when there have been a significant succession of demands for self-control. It is very often advised to “change one thing at a time” rather than setting too many goals at once. This research confirms the importance of this approach as demanding too much control and discipline when focusing on a long term goal is counterproductive.
Studies show that self-control may be strengthened by the foods we eat and when we eat. Glucose is the chemical in the bloodstream that carries energy to the brain, muscles and other organs. Low levels of glucose predict poor performance on self-control tasks. If your goal is to lose weight, letting your blood sugar drop too low will very likely sabotage your ability to stick with your food plan because your will power will be lower. Even if your goal is not food related, maintaining a good brain chemistry balance is important.
It was found that the same energy used for self-control is also used for making decisions. The research suggests that making too many decisions seems to deplete willpower. After experiencing a time where many decisions are required, people perform worse at tasks requiring self-control. Therefore, it is important to not overwhelm yourself with continuous unrelated demands when attempting to exercise self-control.
Some research suggests self-control can be improved through practice by focusing on small tasks in order to strengthen willpower for the bigger challenges. Dr. Baumeister asserts that “as with a muscle, willpower gets stronger from regular exercise”. Engaging in less difficult self-control activities such as a vow to stop swearing, to make the bed every day or to give up just one food for a couple weeks produces improvement in self-control when the focus is on bigger challenges. Start small and move forward from there.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
The Healing Power of Forgiveness
For centuries nearly all religious traditions have taught the importance of forgiveness. Now social science research identifies the many emotional and health benefits to practicing forgiveness. Fred Luskin, Ph.D. has studied forgiveness as the cofounder and director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project. This ongoing research confirms that being a forgiving person is beneficial to both emotional and physical health. Acts of forgiveness can lower blood pressure and heart rate; and reduce levels of depression, anxiety, and anger. People who forgive generally have better relationships with others, feel happier and score higher on measures of psychological well-being. Those who forgive are more hopeful and have higher self-esteem than those who hold onto the anger and hurt when emotionally betrayed or injured.
Dr. Luskin describes the act of forgiveness as involving two steps: grieving and letting go. The grieving includes feeling the anger, hurt and trauma and then allowing the feelings to be in placed into the past. Not moving on – hanging on to resentment and rage – is harmful to the person stuck in the pain – not the person who committed the offense. Forgiving requires us to let go – of our anger, of our desire to punish or get even, of the need for an apology, and of the need for our harmer to change.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing or condoning abuse. And forgiveness doesn’t mean a sudden case of amnesia. It’s about feeling the full spectrum of emotions – grief and anger and hurt, but also kindness and compassion. A core element of forgiveness is an acknowledgement that a person who harmed still has the capacity for good. It’s feeling the grief and anger and hurt, but also kindness and compassion. It’s about responding out of gentleness rather than rage.
Dr. Luskin explains that when you think about a wrong someone did to you, your fight-or-flight system is aroused. “Your heart beats faster, your blood pressure goes up, you feel hurt and mad.” True forgiveness is the only remedy for these painful experiences. Luskin goes on: “This is very simple stuff. Simple but not easy.”
There can be many reasons why forgiveness is so hard. There may be a reluctance to let go of anger and it is very difficult, if not impossible, to forgive someone when there is still anger. The very human desire to get revenge is powerful and setting that aside can be a struggle. Forgiveness is also hard if there has not been an apology asking for forgiveness. Finally, when there is a wrong is can be hard to see or believe there is any good in the person who caused a deep hurt. However, if we are honest in our consideration and assessment, it is possible to see good in everyone.
Psychologist Robert Enright, states: “The decision to forgive touches you to your very core, to who you are as a human being. It involves your sense of self-esteem, our personal worth of the person who’s hurt you and your relationship with that person and the larger world.” Simply put: forgiveness is complex and it is the healthy choice!
Forgiveness is really the kindest thing you can do you for yourself when you have been hurt by another. The Aramaic word for “forgive” means literally to “untie.” The fastest way to be free of the pain and all the negativity is to forgive. Forgiveness permits the ability to move away from the pain. When deeply hurt, the act of forgiveness is hard, but living with resentment is even harder.
“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for it to kill your enemy.”
~Nelson Mandela~
Dr. Luskin describes the act of forgiveness as involving two steps: grieving and letting go. The grieving includes feeling the anger, hurt and trauma and then allowing the feelings to be in placed into the past. Not moving on – hanging on to resentment and rage – is harmful to the person stuck in the pain – not the person who committed the offense. Forgiving requires us to let go – of our anger, of our desire to punish or get even, of the need for an apology, and of the need for our harmer to change.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing or condoning abuse. And forgiveness doesn’t mean a sudden case of amnesia. It’s about feeling the full spectrum of emotions – grief and anger and hurt, but also kindness and compassion. A core element of forgiveness is an acknowledgement that a person who harmed still has the capacity for good. It’s feeling the grief and anger and hurt, but also kindness and compassion. It’s about responding out of gentleness rather than rage.
Dr. Luskin explains that when you think about a wrong someone did to you, your fight-or-flight system is aroused. “Your heart beats faster, your blood pressure goes up, you feel hurt and mad.” True forgiveness is the only remedy for these painful experiences. Luskin goes on: “This is very simple stuff. Simple but not easy.”
There can be many reasons why forgiveness is so hard. There may be a reluctance to let go of anger and it is very difficult, if not impossible, to forgive someone when there is still anger. The very human desire to get revenge is powerful and setting that aside can be a struggle. Forgiveness is also hard if there has not been an apology asking for forgiveness. Finally, when there is a wrong is can be hard to see or believe there is any good in the person who caused a deep hurt. However, if we are honest in our consideration and assessment, it is possible to see good in everyone.
Psychologist Robert Enright, states: “The decision to forgive touches you to your very core, to who you are as a human being. It involves your sense of self-esteem, our personal worth of the person who’s hurt you and your relationship with that person and the larger world.” Simply put: forgiveness is complex and it is the healthy choice!
Forgiveness is really the kindest thing you can do you for yourself when you have been hurt by another. The Aramaic word for “forgive” means literally to “untie.” The fastest way to be free of the pain and all the negativity is to forgive. Forgiveness permits the ability to move away from the pain. When deeply hurt, the act of forgiveness is hard, but living with resentment is even harder.
“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for it to kill your enemy.”
~Nelson Mandela~
Friday, May 11, 2012
Can Mothers Love Their Sons Too Much????
Unlike any other family relationship, the bond between mothers and sons is often criticized. There is a view that a close mother can damage her son, making him weak and dependent. Almost one hundred years ago, the developer of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud warned that sons who are raised by a doting mother are doomed to be “sexually confused”. In the 50’s and 60’s much revered pediatrician Dr. Benjamin Spock warned that mama’s boys might grow up “precocious, with feminine interests.” Within some cultures, this is accepted belief.
However, a recent book by Kate Stone Lombardi, The Mama’s Boy Myth - Why Keeping Our Sons Close Makes Them Stronger, argues that having a close mother-son relationship makes boys stronger and ultimately helps them be better men and spouses. Lombardi believes that mothers and sons face a stigmatization that other parent-child relationships don’t. It is acceptable when mothers and daughters are close, father-son relationships are viewed as very important, and father-daughter relationships are valued, “but mothers and sons – that relationship is always looks at with a little skepticism and a little fear”. Lombardi states: “The myth is that any boy close to his mom will be a sissy, a wimp, forever dependent and never a man who can have a relationship – and it is everywhere we look, in the movies, on TV.”
Lombardi’s book argues that for this generation of mothers and sons, the stereotypes are simply not true. While it is important to appreciate the positive impacts of boys having close relationships with their mothers; this does not imply that fathers are unimportant or without valuable contributions. Lombardi states, “Parenting is not a zero-sum game. You don’t have to be close to one parent and not the other. They both bring something.”
Lombardi is not alone in rejecting the references to the dangers of a close mother-son relationship. There are numerous psychological research projects that confirm boys who have a warm and supportive relationship with their mothers have better tools for communication and lower rates of depression and delinquency. One 2010 study conducted by Carlos Santos, Ph.D., a professor at Arizona State University, found that boys with closer relationships with their mothers “had a broader definition of masculinity and didn’t buy into the idea that men had to be stoic and not fight back at every moment. Being close to mom was good for their mental health.”
Research also shows that “mamma’s boys” are less vulnerable to peer pressure to do drugs and alcohol, and they tend to delay their first sexual experience and have less unprotected sex. A close maternal connection strengthens and confirms a son’s identity and helps him grow toward independence. Sons who are close to their moms have higher emotional intelligence, understand how to care for others, and how to relate and communicate with future wives. Mothers teach sons how to recognize and talk about feelings. The consensus of research confirms that to raise a son who is both strong and sensitive, it is important for moms to stay close to sons throughout their lives.
A strong mother-son relationship starts with consistency, patience, and emotional closeness, which are important for all babies; boys and girls. It is important to reject the cultural or family messages that pressure moms to distance from their sons as they move into adolescence and young adult life. The deep emotional connection between mothers and sons has been demonized for too long.
“There is an enduring tenderness in the love of a mother to a son that transcends all other affections of the heart.”
~Washington Irving~
Friday, March 9, 2012
The Difference Between Confidence and Arrogance
Having self-confidence is wonderful and a positive quality to successfully navigate life. Self-confidence is a wonderful asset. It allows us to get past fears and doubts and take control of life and decisions. Those with confidence have a positive and optimistic attitude that is easy to be around. Others typically view a confident person as dependable and admirable. However, as often true, too much of a good thing can become a bad thing. Overconfidence is a weakness and most would agree that arrogance is undesirable. There are significant differences between confidence and arrogance.
Confidence is not a belief that one is always right or a sense of being unable to fail. True confidence welcomes alternative perspectives and opinions. A confident person rarely will be found lecturing or preaching to others on how they are wrong. Believing you are always right and unable to accept influence from others can make one obnoxious to be around. Confidence is being willing to be wrong and knowing you’ll be ok if you are. A truly self-confident person is able to show vulnerability and admit to past mistakes.
Both the confident and arrogant person is aware of personal areas of strength and ability. However, a confident person has little difficulty seeing others gifts and strengths while the arrogant cannot. Additionally a confident person does not insist on the adoration of others for their skills or abilities. People who are self-confident show it with their actions, not by their words. Self -confidence is knowledge of ability while arrogance insists on sharing successes with others. There is a quiet calm in the truly confident that the arrogant do not posess. If you find yourself constantly trying to impress friends, family or others with your skills and abilities, you have crossed the line into arrogance.
Confidence and arrogance come from different sources. Arrogance is rooted in insecurity – a defense from feelings of weakness that are unacceptable and unclaimed. An arrogant person generally has a skewed view of the world and a warped understanding of themselves. However, a confident person can accept their weaknesses or faults with grace – even though they may not like them.
Arrogant people build themselves up by putting others down - to “win”. Buddhism asserts that arrogance is to judge one’s self-worth by comparison with others. Arrogant people feel good about themselves only through affirming their superiority to others. Genuinely confident people feel great about themselves without comparing themselves with others. Arrogant people tend to bluff their way to success and often have difficulty listening to others. This person will avoid risks or blame others or circumstances if things do not work out as expected.
Arrogant people can and often do have successes but there are significant costs. Relationships are often shallow and superficial or strained. Additionally, professional successes can be fragile due to difficulties in accepting guidance and feedback and impaired abilities to accept and learn from mistakes.
While, not always arrogant, some are plague with an overconfidence that can be problematic. This is most typically seen with inexperience and immaturity. By definition, an overconfident person tends to overestimate the chances of success of an endeavor and underestimate the risks. Because of the self-deception involved, overconfidence tends to make people unable to make effective and successful decisions.
Strive for honest self-acceptance and nurture self-confidence. Beware the pitfalls of crossing the line into overconfidence or arrogance. As with most things in life, the healthy place is always with balance in the middle.
Confidence is not a belief that one is always right or a sense of being unable to fail. True confidence welcomes alternative perspectives and opinions. A confident person rarely will be found lecturing or preaching to others on how they are wrong. Believing you are always right and unable to accept influence from others can make one obnoxious to be around. Confidence is being willing to be wrong and knowing you’ll be ok if you are. A truly self-confident person is able to show vulnerability and admit to past mistakes.
Both the confident and arrogant person is aware of personal areas of strength and ability. However, a confident person has little difficulty seeing others gifts and strengths while the arrogant cannot. Additionally a confident person does not insist on the adoration of others for their skills or abilities. People who are self-confident show it with their actions, not by their words. Self -confidence is knowledge of ability while arrogance insists on sharing successes with others. There is a quiet calm in the truly confident that the arrogant do not posess. If you find yourself constantly trying to impress friends, family or others with your skills and abilities, you have crossed the line into arrogance.
Confidence and arrogance come from different sources. Arrogance is rooted in insecurity – a defense from feelings of weakness that are unacceptable and unclaimed. An arrogant person generally has a skewed view of the world and a warped understanding of themselves. However, a confident person can accept their weaknesses or faults with grace – even though they may not like them.
Arrogant people build themselves up by putting others down - to “win”. Buddhism asserts that arrogance is to judge one’s self-worth by comparison with others. Arrogant people feel good about themselves only through affirming their superiority to others. Genuinely confident people feel great about themselves without comparing themselves with others. Arrogant people tend to bluff their way to success and often have difficulty listening to others. This person will avoid risks or blame others or circumstances if things do not work out as expected.
Arrogant people can and often do have successes but there are significant costs. Relationships are often shallow and superficial or strained. Additionally, professional successes can be fragile due to difficulties in accepting guidance and feedback and impaired abilities to accept and learn from mistakes.
While, not always arrogant, some are plague with an overconfidence that can be problematic. This is most typically seen with inexperience and immaturity. By definition, an overconfident person tends to overestimate the chances of success of an endeavor and underestimate the risks. Because of the self-deception involved, overconfidence tends to make people unable to make effective and successful decisions.
Strive for honest self-acceptance and nurture self-confidence. Beware the pitfalls of crossing the line into overconfidence or arrogance. As with most things in life, the healthy place is always with balance in the middle.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Many Believe Marriage is Obsolete
The month of February is often associated with love and of course Valentine’s Day. It is natural to focus on marriage and relationships at this time. The romance and sentiment of this time is special and it is helpful to have fun and enjoy the special significance of this holiday to celebrate love. However, in November of 2010 a rather startling survey by the Pew Research Center suggested a sobering poll about Americans view of marriage where nearly 40% of Americans stated that marriage is becoming obsolete (up from 28% in 1978). The poll caused a flurry of articles and more than a little concern and sadness among couples and marriage therapists.
The TIME/Pew poll was also interesting in its contradictions. While 40% believed marriage is becoming obsolete; only 25% of the unmarried stated they do not want to get married; and among currently married, 80% said their marriage is as close as or closer than their parents’ marriage.
The poll suggests that marriage is respected and desired, but is no longer the social and economic necessity it once was. It is possible and many would argue completely acceptable to develop a full and successful life outside of marriage.
In the 1950s, when half of all American women were already married in their teens, marriage was an almost mandatory first step toward adulthood. During this time, marriage was the path to parenthood, and unmarried men were routinely judged less qualified for bank loans or job promotions. The view of marriage has shifted to less on sacrifice and obligation than to romance, and happiness. Getting married for life, having children and raising them with your spouse is still the ideal for most Americans but acceptance of the alternative paths has grown.
Today, however, there are other paths to grow up, seek financial independence, parent children, and have intimate companionship. Johns Hopkins University sociologist Andrew Cherlin states: “Marriage is still very important in this country, but it doesn’t dominate family life like it used to. Now there are several ways to have a successful family life, and more people accept them.”“The college-educated wait until they’re finished with their education and the careers are launched. The less educated wait until they feel comfortable financially.” With the recession and the challenging economy job opportunities are disappearing so some wait to get married. But they don’t wait to set up house. There was a 13% increase in couples living together from 2009 to 2010. People are living together because they don’t have enough money to live alone, but they aren’t going to get married until they have enough money. For most college-educated couples, living together is a prelude to marriage. Those without a college degree tend to move in together, have children, and then look at marriage.
It is unclear whether the burdens of poverty are making people’s relationships less permanent or people’s impermanent relationships are worsening their poverty.
Moving directly into marriage from childhood is no long expected and the expectations of marriage have changed. Couples are more focused on having a higher quality marriage and in fact the divorce rates have been falling for the past 25 years.
Americans value family. 76% say family is the most important, meaningful part of their life. 75% say they are “very satisfied” with their family life. And 85% say that the family they live in today is as close or closer than the family in which they grew up.
Economic instability is now more closely associated with marital distress than it used to be. Today two-thirds of people with a college degree are married, compared with less than half of those with a high school degree or less.
Marriage, whatever its social, spiritual or symbolic appeal, is in purely practical terms just not as necessary as it used to be. Neither men nor women need to be married to have sex or companionship or professional success or respect or even children – yet marriage remains revered and desired.
About 70% of us have been married at least once, according to the 2010 Census. 44% of Americans under 30 believe marriage is heading for extinction; only 5 % of those in that age group do not want to get married.
People want to finish college first, In 2010 the median age of men getting married for the first time is 28.2, and for women it’s 26.1. It’s gone up about a year every decade since the 1960’s.
National Census study showed that only 54% of Americans are married. This is down by 72% than it was 50 years ago.
Nearly one in three American children is living with a parent who is divorced, separated or never-married (five times more than 1960). More people are accepting the view that wedding bells aren’t needed to have a family.
In spite of it all, 67% of people are upbeat about the future of marriage- a much higher number than those who are optimistic about education or the economy. Especially during this month, traditionally set aside for love, reflect on the potentially beautiful wonders of a good marriage.
The TIME/Pew poll was also interesting in its contradictions. While 40% believed marriage is becoming obsolete; only 25% of the unmarried stated they do not want to get married; and among currently married, 80% said their marriage is as close as or closer than their parents’ marriage.
The poll suggests that marriage is respected and desired, but is no longer the social and economic necessity it once was. It is possible and many would argue completely acceptable to develop a full and successful life outside of marriage.
In the 1950s, when half of all American women were already married in their teens, marriage was an almost mandatory first step toward adulthood. During this time, marriage was the path to parenthood, and unmarried men were routinely judged less qualified for bank loans or job promotions. The view of marriage has shifted to less on sacrifice and obligation than to romance, and happiness. Getting married for life, having children and raising them with your spouse is still the ideal for most Americans but acceptance of the alternative paths has grown.
Today, however, there are other paths to grow up, seek financial independence, parent children, and have intimate companionship. Johns Hopkins University sociologist Andrew Cherlin states: “Marriage is still very important in this country, but it doesn’t dominate family life like it used to. Now there are several ways to have a successful family life, and more people accept them.”“The college-educated wait until they’re finished with their education and the careers are launched. The less educated wait until they feel comfortable financially.” With the recession and the challenging economy job opportunities are disappearing so some wait to get married. But they don’t wait to set up house. There was a 13% increase in couples living together from 2009 to 2010. People are living together because they don’t have enough money to live alone, but they aren’t going to get married until they have enough money. For most college-educated couples, living together is a prelude to marriage. Those without a college degree tend to move in together, have children, and then look at marriage.
It is unclear whether the burdens of poverty are making people’s relationships less permanent or people’s impermanent relationships are worsening their poverty.
Moving directly into marriage from childhood is no long expected and the expectations of marriage have changed. Couples are more focused on having a higher quality marriage and in fact the divorce rates have been falling for the past 25 years.
Americans value family. 76% say family is the most important, meaningful part of their life. 75% say they are “very satisfied” with their family life. And 85% say that the family they live in today is as close or closer than the family in which they grew up.
Economic instability is now more closely associated with marital distress than it used to be. Today two-thirds of people with a college degree are married, compared with less than half of those with a high school degree or less.
Marriage, whatever its social, spiritual or symbolic appeal, is in purely practical terms just not as necessary as it used to be. Neither men nor women need to be married to have sex or companionship or professional success or respect or even children – yet marriage remains revered and desired.
About 70% of us have been married at least once, according to the 2010 Census. 44% of Americans under 30 believe marriage is heading for extinction; only 5 % of those in that age group do not want to get married.
People want to finish college first, In 2010 the median age of men getting married for the first time is 28.2, and for women it’s 26.1. It’s gone up about a year every decade since the 1960’s.
National Census study showed that only 54% of Americans are married. This is down by 72% than it was 50 years ago.
Nearly one in three American children is living with a parent who is divorced, separated or never-married (five times more than 1960). More people are accepting the view that wedding bells aren’t needed to have a family.
In spite of it all, 67% of people are upbeat about the future of marriage- a much higher number than those who are optimistic about education or the economy. Especially during this month, traditionally set aside for love, reflect on the potentially beautiful wonders of a good marriage.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Healing After Betrayal in Business
Trust is the foundation in effective relationships and because any business has an assortment of relationships, there is a need for trust in the workplace. Yet, trust means different things to different people. There is a truth about integrity, ethics and honesty in business – one size does not fit all - and some excuse bad behavior as playing the business game (“it was not personal - just a business decision”). Given that reality, any of us likely have experienced betrayal in our work settings.
Betrayal, the loss of trust, occurs on a continuum from major to minor incidents. Sometimes betrayal is not about what happened, but rather how it happened and comes in three types: 1) unintentional, 2) premeditated, and 3) opportunistic. Most betrayals in the workplace are opportunistic where specific circumstances develop and are paired with a condition where more gain can be obtained through dishonesty and manipulation than by acting with integrity. This “opportunity” creates a temptation that can drive people to not keep their agreements or mislead coworkers to further their own agenda.
When confronted with dishonest or unethical behavior, a favorite tool of the opportunistic betrayer is the claim of “it’s just a misunderstanding” where they claim their actions are somehow being misinterpreted. This “cover” prevents any level of direct or honest communication to develop and erodes the professional relationship - at times beyond repair. It is very difficult to have a relationship with such an insincere person as there is a perpetuation of the façade of “I’m really a good, amiable person – you just misunderstood me.” This personality is actually more difficult to work with than the directly unpleasant and self-absorbed coworker who straightforwardly communicates a goal of self-interest above all else.
Persistent dishonesty in a work environment is toxic to the individuals involved and to the whole system. Betrayal undermines trust, communication, creativity and innovation. When these feelings are chronic and intense, the result is a negative, unpleasant or even openly hostile environment. The detrimental impact of spending hours daily in such a place is enormous.
After a dishonesty or manipulation, trusting again is very difficult. The first tricky question is “Do they deserve my trust?’ Some betrayals are isolated events within the context of an otherwise positive relationship. These work relationships can be repaired following betrayal. It is important to talk to your coworker about your feelings and allow them an opportunity to restore the feeling of goodwill so that the relationship can move forward.
However, not all deserve trust. A famous definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. If you have repeated experiences of deceit with a person and/or you observe this behavior in their interactions with other people, it is unlikely realistic to expect anything different from them. In business, it is not always possible to end these toxic relationships completely but it is important to be cautious in your interactions and limit vulnerability.
Even if trust cannot be repaired, it is important to forgive and to move on from the betrayal. A desire for vengeance, vindication, or retribution can lead to obsession and often does more damage than the original betrayal. Forgiveness is important as part of the process necessary for healing. The most powerful result of forgiveness is to allow the forgiver to reclaim the peace of mind that comes from letting go of past hurts. You need not condone the action, nor deny the painful feelings – in fact, you must acknowledge the facts and emotions, in order to know what you are ready to release. As you free yourself from the pain caused by others, you regain personal power and self-respect. Acceptance is not condoning what was done, but experiencing the reality of what happened without denying or resenting it.
Betrayal, the loss of trust, occurs on a continuum from major to minor incidents. Sometimes betrayal is not about what happened, but rather how it happened and comes in three types: 1) unintentional, 2) premeditated, and 3) opportunistic. Most betrayals in the workplace are opportunistic where specific circumstances develop and are paired with a condition where more gain can be obtained through dishonesty and manipulation than by acting with integrity. This “opportunity” creates a temptation that can drive people to not keep their agreements or mislead coworkers to further their own agenda.
When confronted with dishonest or unethical behavior, a favorite tool of the opportunistic betrayer is the claim of “it’s just a misunderstanding” where they claim their actions are somehow being misinterpreted. This “cover” prevents any level of direct or honest communication to develop and erodes the professional relationship - at times beyond repair. It is very difficult to have a relationship with such an insincere person as there is a perpetuation of the façade of “I’m really a good, amiable person – you just misunderstood me.” This personality is actually more difficult to work with than the directly unpleasant and self-absorbed coworker who straightforwardly communicates a goal of self-interest above all else.
Persistent dishonesty in a work environment is toxic to the individuals involved and to the whole system. Betrayal undermines trust, communication, creativity and innovation. When these feelings are chronic and intense, the result is a negative, unpleasant or even openly hostile environment. The detrimental impact of spending hours daily in such a place is enormous.
After a dishonesty or manipulation, trusting again is very difficult. The first tricky question is “Do they deserve my trust?’ Some betrayals are isolated events within the context of an otherwise positive relationship. These work relationships can be repaired following betrayal. It is important to talk to your coworker about your feelings and allow them an opportunity to restore the feeling of goodwill so that the relationship can move forward.
However, not all deserve trust. A famous definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. If you have repeated experiences of deceit with a person and/or you observe this behavior in their interactions with other people, it is unlikely realistic to expect anything different from them. In business, it is not always possible to end these toxic relationships completely but it is important to be cautious in your interactions and limit vulnerability.
Even if trust cannot be repaired, it is important to forgive and to move on from the betrayal. A desire for vengeance, vindication, or retribution can lead to obsession and often does more damage than the original betrayal. Forgiveness is important as part of the process necessary for healing. The most powerful result of forgiveness is to allow the forgiver to reclaim the peace of mind that comes from letting go of past hurts. You need not condone the action, nor deny the painful feelings – in fact, you must acknowledge the facts and emotions, in order to know what you are ready to release. As you free yourself from the pain caused by others, you regain personal power and self-respect. Acceptance is not condoning what was done, but experiencing the reality of what happened without denying or resenting it.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Making the Holidays Happy
It is heard throughout the season - - the hopes for and the wishes offered to others to “have a happy holiday” or for a “Merry Christmas”. It is helpful to reflect on what composes a joyful experience of this holiday season. By understanding what creates a general sense of happiness, there are clues on what elements in the holiday season will facilitate a truly Happy Holiday.
What produces happiness is somewhat subjective to an individual, yet the discipline of positive psychology has determined that many underlying determinants of happiness are consistent. A large influence in level of happiness is personality. General temperament and outlook on life are key factors. These factors include optimism and resiliency which can be nurtured and developed over time, leading to an improved overall sense of happiness.
For some when they consider happiness, they often think about things that bring them pleasure. Food, possessions, or sex often are mentioned when people are asked about what brings happiness. However, research conducted by positive psychologists has determined that often these bring temporary pleasure but are not the core of deep joy. True happiness has been found to be more connected to having things in life that are both pleasurable and meaningful.
Humans are a social species, and social interaction is crucial. Healthy relationships are important in an overall sense of happiness and fulfillment in life. An interesting statistic is that people who describe themselves as very happy watch 20% less television than unhappy people. TV seems to be a short-term pleasure, but humans crave connection; and while a distraction, TV offers little opportunities for meaningful interpersonal interaction which is crucial to life satisfaction.
One of the most highly rated predictors of happiness is being in love. Additionally, while all marriages are imperfect and often complained about; married men and women are generally happier than people who are single or divorced. It may be that marriage contributes to happiness or that happiness causes marital satisfaction. Whatever comes first, people who are happier tend to have better intimate relationships and more stable marriages.
Money does little to make us happier once basic needs are met, but how someone spends money can affect happiness level. Using money to buy experiences such as a vacation or outing has been shown to bring far more joy than a new toy. Additionally, using money to do good and help others brings higher levels of happiness than funding fun activities. This suggests that spending money on charity contributes more to happiness than the same amount of cash spent on oneself.
Research confirms the connection between faith and happiness. Religion and spirituality can give a sense of purpose and meaning in life, provide a connection to a caring, supportive community, and offer a sense of comfort. Generally, people of faith express greater levels of happiness.
In the rush to do it all, the importance and meaning of this holiday season can be forgotten. There is more happiness in a holiday season when relationships are focal, religious expressions are nurtured and less when spending money and gift giving are the predominate elements of the experience. The materialistic features of Christmas celebrations may undermine joy, while family, social, and spiritual activities may create the most satisfying holiday memories.
During this season - - at least once a day - - stop the endless progression of doing the next essential task towards creating the perfect holiday and do something that brings joy - - something meaningful that make the holidays special for you and your family.
“And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It can without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ‘till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store? What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.”
~Dr. Seuss
What produces happiness is somewhat subjective to an individual, yet the discipline of positive psychology has determined that many underlying determinants of happiness are consistent. A large influence in level of happiness is personality. General temperament and outlook on life are key factors. These factors include optimism and resiliency which can be nurtured and developed over time, leading to an improved overall sense of happiness.
For some when they consider happiness, they often think about things that bring them pleasure. Food, possessions, or sex often are mentioned when people are asked about what brings happiness. However, research conducted by positive psychologists has determined that often these bring temporary pleasure but are not the core of deep joy. True happiness has been found to be more connected to having things in life that are both pleasurable and meaningful.
Humans are a social species, and social interaction is crucial. Healthy relationships are important in an overall sense of happiness and fulfillment in life. An interesting statistic is that people who describe themselves as very happy watch 20% less television than unhappy people. TV seems to be a short-term pleasure, but humans crave connection; and while a distraction, TV offers little opportunities for meaningful interpersonal interaction which is crucial to life satisfaction.
One of the most highly rated predictors of happiness is being in love. Additionally, while all marriages are imperfect and often complained about; married men and women are generally happier than people who are single or divorced. It may be that marriage contributes to happiness or that happiness causes marital satisfaction. Whatever comes first, people who are happier tend to have better intimate relationships and more stable marriages.
Money does little to make us happier once basic needs are met, but how someone spends money can affect happiness level. Using money to buy experiences such as a vacation or outing has been shown to bring far more joy than a new toy. Additionally, using money to do good and help others brings higher levels of happiness than funding fun activities. This suggests that spending money on charity contributes more to happiness than the same amount of cash spent on oneself.
Research confirms the connection between faith and happiness. Religion and spirituality can give a sense of purpose and meaning in life, provide a connection to a caring, supportive community, and offer a sense of comfort. Generally, people of faith express greater levels of happiness.
In the rush to do it all, the importance and meaning of this holiday season can be forgotten. There is more happiness in a holiday season when relationships are focal, religious expressions are nurtured and less when spending money and gift giving are the predominate elements of the experience. The materialistic features of Christmas celebrations may undermine joy, while family, social, and spiritual activities may create the most satisfying holiday memories.
During this season - - at least once a day - - stop the endless progression of doing the next essential task towards creating the perfect holiday and do something that brings joy - - something meaningful that make the holidays special for you and your family.
“And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It can without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ‘till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store? What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.”
~Dr. Seuss
Friday, November 18, 2011
Feeling Gratitude Even When Life is Difficult
If you are familiar with me, you likely know my view that from a mental health perspective Thanksgiving is the most important holiday of the year. Psychological research confirms what philosophers and spiritual leaders have long taught – living life with a sense of gratitude is a key to happiness. Grateful people report higher levels of positive emotions, life satisfaction and lower levels of depression and stress. Thankful people demonstrate a higher capacity for empathy. The healthiest human emotion is gratitude. Science has proven that having a thankful attitude improves immune functioning and makes one more resistant to stress. People who are grateful are happy, and people who are ungrateful are miserable. The value of consciously focusing on appreciation for blessings in life is really indisputable.
However, there can be times when being thankful is really, really hard. Those who have recently experienced the loss of a loved one, or the foreclosure of a home, or a loss of employment, may find it difficult to identify the other happier aspects of life that also are there. When life is hard – and life is hard for many people today – it can be really easy to see only the negative.
In difficult times gratitude can be a tool to help focus on what is still good and a way to cope with loss and pain. Even with intense grief, a conscious decision to look for things in life to feel grateful for can be powerful. This doesn’t mean a stop to grieving loss, but that there is a focus away from the loss for a time. This can be helpful in navigating the grieving process.
A recently published book by Kelly Buckley titled Gratitude in Grief documents her journey following the sudden death of her 23 year old son. The author stated “One thing has helped me breathe, and that is finding at least one little thing to be grateful for each day, in spite of the pain.” Her writing is a powerful and moving testament to the value of gratitude during even the most unimaginable pain.
Mary J. Lore, author of the book Managing Thought: How Do Your Thoughts Rule Your World? , writes: “During difficult times, we may find ourselves struggling with thoughts of fear, self-doubt, anger, frustration, anxiety, depression, and despair. These kinds of thoughts do not inspire you nor do they move you in a direction that serves your purpose - - in fact, they make matters worse.” Lore advices the following daily practices:
• List everything you are thankful for. Be sure to include what you are thankful for with respect to what you may be most unhappy about.
• At the end of each day, work backward and think of everything you are thankful for from that day.
• Throughout each day, take note of what you are thankful for and be grateful for each experience.
• When you find yourself thinking self-defeating or negative thoughts, take a deep breath, and ask “What can I be thankful for in this moment?”
Even during difficult times, as we practice being thankful, we access a more positive spirit. We improve our relationships, our creativity, and our lives. Gratitude and giving thanks for all we are blessed with every day allows us to enjoy life more fully – even during painful times.
“It’s not easy being grateful all the time. But it’s when you feel least thankful that you are most in need of what gratitude can give you.” ~Oprah Winfrey~
However, there can be times when being thankful is really, really hard. Those who have recently experienced the loss of a loved one, or the foreclosure of a home, or a loss of employment, may find it difficult to identify the other happier aspects of life that also are there. When life is hard – and life is hard for many people today – it can be really easy to see only the negative.
In difficult times gratitude can be a tool to help focus on what is still good and a way to cope with loss and pain. Even with intense grief, a conscious decision to look for things in life to feel grateful for can be powerful. This doesn’t mean a stop to grieving loss, but that there is a focus away from the loss for a time. This can be helpful in navigating the grieving process.
A recently published book by Kelly Buckley titled Gratitude in Grief documents her journey following the sudden death of her 23 year old son. The author stated “One thing has helped me breathe, and that is finding at least one little thing to be grateful for each day, in spite of the pain.” Her writing is a powerful and moving testament to the value of gratitude during even the most unimaginable pain.
Mary J. Lore, author of the book Managing Thought: How Do Your Thoughts Rule Your World? , writes: “During difficult times, we may find ourselves struggling with thoughts of fear, self-doubt, anger, frustration, anxiety, depression, and despair. These kinds of thoughts do not inspire you nor do they move you in a direction that serves your purpose - - in fact, they make matters worse.” Lore advices the following daily practices:
• List everything you are thankful for. Be sure to include what you are thankful for with respect to what you may be most unhappy about.
• At the end of each day, work backward and think of everything you are thankful for from that day.
• Throughout each day, take note of what you are thankful for and be grateful for each experience.
• When you find yourself thinking self-defeating or negative thoughts, take a deep breath, and ask “What can I be thankful for in this moment?”
Even during difficult times, as we practice being thankful, we access a more positive spirit. We improve our relationships, our creativity, and our lives. Gratitude and giving thanks for all we are blessed with every day allows us to enjoy life more fully – even during painful times.
“It’s not easy being grateful all the time. But it’s when you feel least thankful that you are most in need of what gratitude can give you.” ~Oprah Winfrey~
Monday, October 17, 2011
The Extraordinary Parent–Child Bond
Unfortunately, over the past year I have visited with and comforted four friends who have experienced what most grief experts believe is the most profound loss – the death of a child. While the “children” ranged in age from 20 to 50, the loss of any child is a heartbreaking experience like no other. Losing a child is unnatural, disrupts the order of life, and is a loss of innocence. Parental grief is different from other loses – it is more intense and a long, sad journey that many experts in the field say never end. Grieving parents find ways to get through, not over their loss. The significance of this profoundly life-changing experience causes me to reflect on the extraordinary depth and breadth of the bond between parent and child.
Becoming a parent is one of life’s most amazing events. Children are precious symbols of the future and there is a unique and complex relationship between parents and children. Journalist, Debbye Bell describes herself becoming a mother as “I was not prepared in the least for the kind of rapturous, over-powering, all-consuming, feel-it-in-my-bones love that I have for my precious little girl”. When one becomes a parent there are significant psychological changes and adaptations. For most there is an experience of profound love that knows no limitations.
The connection between a parent and child is such a powerful love that death does not end it. Once you are a parent, the love for your child never ends. Even when a child dies, parental love survives. Researchers, Arnold and Gemma, 1994 write: “There is no relationship like that of parent and child. It is unique and special…The bond between parent and child is so powerful that its strength endures time, distance, and strife. No loss is as significant as the loss of a child…On the death of a child, a parent feels less than whole.” Letting go of and saying good-bye to a loved child may be truly impossible but one can survive this loss.
Becoming a parent changes much of the very normal “self” focus that is natural to humans. One of the miracles of parenting is that giving your child what they need becomes more important than getting what you want. Even most people that before becoming a parent had a self-centered life will put a loved child first. Would Disney World exist if this were not true?
The experience of worry and concern for another change when one becomes a parent. The worries change as a child grows and matures; but the paternal focus on the physical health, happiness, and future of one’s child is a natural preoccupation of parents. The very thought of anything bad happening to a loved child can be terrifying.
It is a parental challenge to balance the fear of pain or harm for a child with the realistic acceptance that a child cannot be shielded from bad things. All children will have difficulties and struggles. Good parenting provides enough freedom for a child to take reasonable risks, have challenges, and live a full independent life. The terror of tragedy involving a loved child has to be tempered with the realization that no parent can (or should) completely protect a child.
If you are a parent, love and cherish your child. Strive to keep them safe and happy but accept the limits of the power to keep them from harm. If you have lost a child, be kind, generous and patient with yourself as you struggle to survive a long, lonely and painful journey.
Becoming a parent is one of life’s most amazing events. Children are precious symbols of the future and there is a unique and complex relationship between parents and children. Journalist, Debbye Bell describes herself becoming a mother as “I was not prepared in the least for the kind of rapturous, over-powering, all-consuming, feel-it-in-my-bones love that I have for my precious little girl”. When one becomes a parent there are significant psychological changes and adaptations. For most there is an experience of profound love that knows no limitations.
The connection between a parent and child is such a powerful love that death does not end it. Once you are a parent, the love for your child never ends. Even when a child dies, parental love survives. Researchers, Arnold and Gemma, 1994 write: “There is no relationship like that of parent and child. It is unique and special…The bond between parent and child is so powerful that its strength endures time, distance, and strife. No loss is as significant as the loss of a child…On the death of a child, a parent feels less than whole.” Letting go of and saying good-bye to a loved child may be truly impossible but one can survive this loss.
Becoming a parent changes much of the very normal “self” focus that is natural to humans. One of the miracles of parenting is that giving your child what they need becomes more important than getting what you want. Even most people that before becoming a parent had a self-centered life will put a loved child first. Would Disney World exist if this were not true?
The experience of worry and concern for another change when one becomes a parent. The worries change as a child grows and matures; but the paternal focus on the physical health, happiness, and future of one’s child is a natural preoccupation of parents. The very thought of anything bad happening to a loved child can be terrifying.
It is a parental challenge to balance the fear of pain or harm for a child with the realistic acceptance that a child cannot be shielded from bad things. All children will have difficulties and struggles. Good parenting provides enough freedom for a child to take reasonable risks, have challenges, and live a full independent life. The terror of tragedy involving a loved child has to be tempered with the realization that no parent can (or should) completely protect a child.
If you are a parent, love and cherish your child. Strive to keep them safe and happy but accept the limits of the power to keep them from harm. If you have lost a child, be kind, generous and patient with yourself as you struggle to survive a long, lonely and painful journey.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Thought for today!
"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style."
~Maya Angelou
~Maya Angelou
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Some Secrets to Staying Motivated
No matter what the goal, the keys to success is getting and staying motivated. Tamara Lowe, a consultant who has studied human achievement for more than 20 years has recently released her book Get Motivated! which indentified three motivational categories, each with descriptions of two contrasting types. An understanding of these concepts can help determine what drives, what is needed to be motivated, and what rewards are effective. With this understanding, getting and maintaining motivation can be improved.
The initial question to consider is “What drives you”. If your answer is competition and deadlines, you are most likely a Producer. The Producer is the classic “Type A” and has self-discipline, is competitive, and decisive. What the Producer needs when motivation is slipping is to turn the goal into a game (break a record) or a competition. If “What drives you” is collaboration, teamwork and relationships, you are more likely a Connector. Connectors put relationships first and are loyal, supportive and team players. They find personal satisfaction in making others happy and the primary challenges to staying motivated are with conflict and isolation. What is needed to maintain motivation is sustenance of relationship with others who struggle with, or has achieved a similar goal. A connector who has a goal of weight loss thrives in settings that offer group support such as Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. A producer with the same goal would be attracted to compete on television’s The Biggest Loser.
Lowe’s second question for consideration is “What do you need to feel fulfilled?” If order, predictability and routine are needed, you are likely a Stabilizer. The Stabilizer is practical, careful, avoids analysis, and sometimes resistant to change. When motivation is challenged, a stabilizer needs to establish set rules to minimize distractions, to identify the incremental steps involved in achievement of the goal and to allow appropriate deadlines for completion and avoid negative feedback or criticism. However, if “What you need to feel fulfilled?” is adventure and new ideas, you are a Variable. Variables thrive on new experiences and novelty and find change is energizing. Relaxed schedules are ideal, surprise is welcome, and they are skilled at finding creative solutions; but variables can be impulsive and find themselves off task. When Variables find motivation slipping, it is necessary to discard rigid schedules and rules and consider alternative approaches to goal achievement and add elements of fun to the process.
The third question to consider is “What inspires you to do your best?” If your answer is appreciation and the sense of contribution, you’re an Internal. Those with an internal reward system find satisfaction from meaningful work and need to feel good about what they are doing. Internals maintain motivation with positive feedback and worthwhile goals. If the motivation slips it is necessary to reconnect with the mission and find ways to be reminded of “the big picture”. It is also necessary to nourish inner resources. This can be accomplished by journaling to refocus on the importance of the goal and by establishing good self-care skills to maintain a sense of balance. Alternatively if the response to “What inspires you to do your best?” is more tangible benefits such as recognition or salary, you are more likely an External. Externals are success –oriented and use tangible assets to measure success. They can maintain motivation by celebrating achievements with incremental rewards (a new dress with a 10 pound weight loss – rather than when the goal weight is achieved). Also acknowledging at least one way that each action is a step closer to the ultimate goal is helpful with motivation and it is important to regularly review your successes and achievements to inspire you to further aspirations.
No matter what your goal- - - better relationships, weight loss or a business achievement, by finding your individual style in what drives you, what fulfills you, and what inspires you, you can be more successful in maintaining motivation to meet your objective.
The initial question to consider is “What drives you”. If your answer is competition and deadlines, you are most likely a Producer. The Producer is the classic “Type A” and has self-discipline, is competitive, and decisive. What the Producer needs when motivation is slipping is to turn the goal into a game (break a record) or a competition. If “What drives you” is collaboration, teamwork and relationships, you are more likely a Connector. Connectors put relationships first and are loyal, supportive and team players. They find personal satisfaction in making others happy and the primary challenges to staying motivated are with conflict and isolation. What is needed to maintain motivation is sustenance of relationship with others who struggle with, or has achieved a similar goal. A connector who has a goal of weight loss thrives in settings that offer group support such as Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. A producer with the same goal would be attracted to compete on television’s The Biggest Loser.
Lowe’s second question for consideration is “What do you need to feel fulfilled?” If order, predictability and routine are needed, you are likely a Stabilizer. The Stabilizer is practical, careful, avoids analysis, and sometimes resistant to change. When motivation is challenged, a stabilizer needs to establish set rules to minimize distractions, to identify the incremental steps involved in achievement of the goal and to allow appropriate deadlines for completion and avoid negative feedback or criticism. However, if “What you need to feel fulfilled?” is adventure and new ideas, you are a Variable. Variables thrive on new experiences and novelty and find change is energizing. Relaxed schedules are ideal, surprise is welcome, and they are skilled at finding creative solutions; but variables can be impulsive and find themselves off task. When Variables find motivation slipping, it is necessary to discard rigid schedules and rules and consider alternative approaches to goal achievement and add elements of fun to the process.
The third question to consider is “What inspires you to do your best?” If your answer is appreciation and the sense of contribution, you’re an Internal. Those with an internal reward system find satisfaction from meaningful work and need to feel good about what they are doing. Internals maintain motivation with positive feedback and worthwhile goals. If the motivation slips it is necessary to reconnect with the mission and find ways to be reminded of “the big picture”. It is also necessary to nourish inner resources. This can be accomplished by journaling to refocus on the importance of the goal and by establishing good self-care skills to maintain a sense of balance. Alternatively if the response to “What inspires you to do your best?” is more tangible benefits such as recognition or salary, you are more likely an External. Externals are success –oriented and use tangible assets to measure success. They can maintain motivation by celebrating achievements with incremental rewards (a new dress with a 10 pound weight loss – rather than when the goal weight is achieved). Also acknowledging at least one way that each action is a step closer to the ultimate goal is helpful with motivation and it is important to regularly review your successes and achievements to inspire you to further aspirations.
No matter what your goal- - - better relationships, weight loss or a business achievement, by finding your individual style in what drives you, what fulfills you, and what inspires you, you can be more successful in maintaining motivation to meet your objective.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Thought for The Day
"One of the secrets of inner peace is the practice of compassion.”
Tenzin Gyatso, The 14th Dalai Lama
Tenzin Gyatso, The 14th Dalai Lama
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Weddings Should Be About More than a Beautiful Day
It’s wedding season – and weddings are fun! This year’s season began with the romantic and beautiful celebration of the marriage of Prince William to Kate Middleton. This elaborate event captured imagination and elicited thoughts on how to view weddings – which are the birth of a marriage – as about more than the perfect dress, beautiful flowers, a wonderful meal, and a great party. Sometimes the excitement of getting engaged or planning a wedding can overshadow some of the more important issues about the decision to marry. Making the wedding more about a marriage is important!
Engagement and marriage is one of the most significant psychological transitions in life. It involves more than just finding true love. Often engaged couples believe that their relationship will not experience the relationship problems other couples face. However, nearly half of marriages end in divorce so clearly this belief is incorrect in many cases.
To have a healthy marriage, each partner has to be mentally and emotionally mature. This means having a strong sense of self. Rushing into marriage before becoming a “grown up” rarely is successful. Being in love is simply not enough!
Plan your marriage – not just your wedding! This is about more than one day. The popular TV personality Dr. Phil advises engaged couples to consider developing an emotional prenuptial agreement, outlining how you’ll handle children, discipline, sex, money, household chores, religion, careers, in-laws......the list goes on. It may not be very romantic, but marriage isn’t all romance – it’s also collaboration and if you don’t plan for and discuss tough issues – you won’t be able to successfully merge two lives together.
Some engaged couples participate in formal pre-marital counseling before their big day. Such professional sessions can assist in examining compatibility and conflict resolution style. Investing in preparation counseling sessions provides a format for couples to discuss and understand the “hot topics”. Of course, these discussions can occur outside of a professional’s office. The goal is to communicate openly and honestly about what is important to each of you. Not everything can or will be covered before the wedding but by learning effective communication skills, a couple can learn how to navigate future issues of conflict. This skill is critical in marriage.
Agreement on all the issues is not the goal. During these premarital discussions, if you agree on everything, someone isn’t being honest. You are different people and will disagree! However, being able to express strong feelings and respectfully accept a partner’s strong feelings is essential. Finding where you are willing to and how to find that important middle ground is a necessary skill in all marriages.
Living intimately with another person requires making decisions together. It requires consideration of another’s view. Be sure to identify and communicate needs and expectations. It is not selfish to know what is most important to you. Be honest with yourself and your partner about your “non-negotiables” – the deal breakers. We all have them – it is important to understand what they are for you and your partner.
Pre-marital counselor, Dr. Rich Nicastro offers the following five questions for engaged couples to consider:
1. Why do you want to get married? A feeling that “it’s time” is not enough.
2. Why do you want to marry this person? “Because I love him/her” is not enough.
3. What core values do you share with your future spouse? Compatibility on values matter.
4. What are the main differences between the two of you? Understanding and accepting differences are important.
5. How do you envision married life? Discuss expectations.
If a wedding is planned for your summer, take the time to discuss how the wedding day should be the celebration and beginning of a beautiful marriage.
Engagement and marriage is one of the most significant psychological transitions in life. It involves more than just finding true love. Often engaged couples believe that their relationship will not experience the relationship problems other couples face. However, nearly half of marriages end in divorce so clearly this belief is incorrect in many cases.
To have a healthy marriage, each partner has to be mentally and emotionally mature. This means having a strong sense of self. Rushing into marriage before becoming a “grown up” rarely is successful. Being in love is simply not enough!
Plan your marriage – not just your wedding! This is about more than one day. The popular TV personality Dr. Phil advises engaged couples to consider developing an emotional prenuptial agreement, outlining how you’ll handle children, discipline, sex, money, household chores, religion, careers, in-laws......the list goes on. It may not be very romantic, but marriage isn’t all romance – it’s also collaboration and if you don’t plan for and discuss tough issues – you won’t be able to successfully merge two lives together.
Some engaged couples participate in formal pre-marital counseling before their big day. Such professional sessions can assist in examining compatibility and conflict resolution style. Investing in preparation counseling sessions provides a format for couples to discuss and understand the “hot topics”. Of course, these discussions can occur outside of a professional’s office. The goal is to communicate openly and honestly about what is important to each of you. Not everything can or will be covered before the wedding but by learning effective communication skills, a couple can learn how to navigate future issues of conflict. This skill is critical in marriage.
Agreement on all the issues is not the goal. During these premarital discussions, if you agree on everything, someone isn’t being honest. You are different people and will disagree! However, being able to express strong feelings and respectfully accept a partner’s strong feelings is essential. Finding where you are willing to and how to find that important middle ground is a necessary skill in all marriages.
Living intimately with another person requires making decisions together. It requires consideration of another’s view. Be sure to identify and communicate needs and expectations. It is not selfish to know what is most important to you. Be honest with yourself and your partner about your “non-negotiables” – the deal breakers. We all have them – it is important to understand what they are for you and your partner.
Pre-marital counselor, Dr. Rich Nicastro offers the following five questions for engaged couples to consider:
1. Why do you want to get married? A feeling that “it’s time” is not enough.
2. Why do you want to marry this person? “Because I love him/her” is not enough.
3. What core values do you share with your future spouse? Compatibility on values matter.
4. What are the main differences between the two of you? Understanding and accepting differences are important.
5. How do you envision married life? Discuss expectations.
If a wedding is planned for your summer, take the time to discuss how the wedding day should be the celebration and beginning of a beautiful marriage.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Congratulations to the Class of 2011!!
Graduation from high school will be celebrated in May and many families will experience the rush of emotions that accompany this special time. In Georgia alone, thousands of seniors will be leaving high school to begin their next adventure. Some will start college and will experience life away from home for the first time, while others will begin full-time employment and all the responsibilities that come with adult independence. This is a joyous, emotional, and tense time for both the students and their families.
At this milestone it is important for graduates to express gratitude to the special people who have shaped their life. Parents and family members are crucial with their love and support, but the list of important influences most assuredly goes beyond family. Every high school graduate owes some level of thanks to special friends, teachers, coaches, and religious leaders who provided patience, encouragement, empathy and inspiration. Graduates are advised to express their appreciation to these special people.
It is predictable for new graduates to feel anxiety. There can be fears about success in the next phase of life. Many graduates will be leaving the familiarity of home, family and friends and moving from a secure sense of who you are and what you can do into unknown worlds. The adult work life and college life is unlike high school.
Opening up to friends and family about fears can help calm and reassure. Trust that your friends are experiencing similar concerns and bottling up fears will only intensify the power of the anxiety. Life transitions come with apprehensions and doubts. Leaving a familiar high school where you are known and accepted to “unknown territories” is not an easy task. It is important and helpful to express your feelings.
Life after high school is different. For many years students are encouraged to remain compliant and docile and high school students have very little voice in decisions about their activities. As graduates you must take control of life. College students make decisions about attending class, how much sleep is needed, and when and what to eat. College students decide for themselves want they want to learn and when they want to learn it. While all of these decisions carry consequences, the responsibility is with each individual not with a parent, a teacher, or an administrative official. The freedom can be either a blessing or a curse – depending on whether you accept it with maturity and grace …or abuse it.
Additionally it is important to develop a strategy for yourself on how you want to manage your future. Develop clarity on your personal values so you have clear boundaries to help face the many temptations that will come with the increase in freedom and responsibility.
I discovered a graduation address by Paul Graham who offered the following advice; “There’s no switch inside of you that magically flips when you turn a certain age or graduate from some institution. You start being an adult when you decide to take responsibility for your life. You can do that at any age.” Mr. Graham also very wisely encouraged graduates not to feel a sense of panic if they have uncertainties about what to do with the rest of their life. He advised not to push to be in a rush to definitively choose a life work but to focus on the discovery what is important and enjoyable. “You have to work on stuff you like if you want to be good at what you do.”
Congratulations to the Class of 2011 –
NOW - - GO HAVE YOUR NEXT ADVENTURE!!
At this milestone it is important for graduates to express gratitude to the special people who have shaped their life. Parents and family members are crucial with their love and support, but the list of important influences most assuredly goes beyond family. Every high school graduate owes some level of thanks to special friends, teachers, coaches, and religious leaders who provided patience, encouragement, empathy and inspiration. Graduates are advised to express their appreciation to these special people.
It is predictable for new graduates to feel anxiety. There can be fears about success in the next phase of life. Many graduates will be leaving the familiarity of home, family and friends and moving from a secure sense of who you are and what you can do into unknown worlds. The adult work life and college life is unlike high school.
Opening up to friends and family about fears can help calm and reassure. Trust that your friends are experiencing similar concerns and bottling up fears will only intensify the power of the anxiety. Life transitions come with apprehensions and doubts. Leaving a familiar high school where you are known and accepted to “unknown territories” is not an easy task. It is important and helpful to express your feelings.
Life after high school is different. For many years students are encouraged to remain compliant and docile and high school students have very little voice in decisions about their activities. As graduates you must take control of life. College students make decisions about attending class, how much sleep is needed, and when and what to eat. College students decide for themselves want they want to learn and when they want to learn it. While all of these decisions carry consequences, the responsibility is with each individual not with a parent, a teacher, or an administrative official. The freedom can be either a blessing or a curse – depending on whether you accept it with maturity and grace …or abuse it.
Additionally it is important to develop a strategy for yourself on how you want to manage your future. Develop clarity on your personal values so you have clear boundaries to help face the many temptations that will come with the increase in freedom and responsibility.
I discovered a graduation address by Paul Graham who offered the following advice; “There’s no switch inside of you that magically flips when you turn a certain age or graduate from some institution. You start being an adult when you decide to take responsibility for your life. You can do that at any age.” Mr. Graham also very wisely encouraged graduates not to feel a sense of panic if they have uncertainties about what to do with the rest of their life. He advised not to push to be in a rush to definitively choose a life work but to focus on the discovery what is important and enjoyable. “You have to work on stuff you like if you want to be good at what you do.”
Congratulations to the Class of 2011 –
NOW - - GO HAVE YOUR NEXT ADVENTURE!!
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