Many Believe Marriage is Obsolete

The month of February is often associated with love and of course Valentine’s Day. It is natural to focus on marriage and relationships at this time. The romance and sentiment of this time is special and it is helpful to have fun and enjoy the special significance of this holiday to celebrate love. However, in November of 2010 a rather startling survey by the Pew Research Center suggested a sobering poll about Americans view of marriage where nearly 40% of Americans stated that marriage is becoming obsolete (up from 28% in 1978). The poll caused a flurry of articles and more than a little concern and sadness among couples and marriage therapists.

The TIME/Pew poll was also interesting in its contradictions. While 40% believed marriage is becoming obsolete; only 25% of the unmarried stated they do not want to get married; and among currently married, 80% said their marriage is as close as or closer than their parents’ marriage.

The poll suggests that marriage is respected and desired, but is no longer the social and economic necessity it once was. It is possible and many would argue completely acceptable to develop a full and successful life outside of marriage.

In the 1950s, when half of all American women were already married in their teens, marriage was an almost mandatory first step toward adulthood. During this time, marriage was the path to parenthood, and unmarried men were routinely judged less qualified for bank loans or job promotions. The view of marriage has shifted to less on sacrifice and obligation than to romance, and happiness. Getting married for life, having children and raising them with your spouse is still the ideal for most Americans but acceptance of the alternative paths has grown.

Today, however, there are other paths to grow up, seek financial independence, parent children, and have intimate companionship. Johns Hopkins University sociologist Andrew Cherlin states: “Marriage is still very important in this country, but it doesn’t dominate family life like it used to. Now there are several ways to have a successful family life, and more people accept them.”“The college-educated wait until they’re finished with their education and the careers are launched. The less educated wait until they feel comfortable financially.” With the recession and the challenging economy job opportunities are disappearing so some wait to get married. But they don’t wait to set up house. There was a 13% increase in couples living together from 2009 to 2010. People are living together because they don’t have enough money to live alone, but they aren’t going to get married until they have enough money. For most college-educated couples, living together is a prelude to marriage. Those without a college degree tend to move in together, have children, and then look at marriage.

It is unclear whether the burdens of poverty are making people’s relationships less permanent or people’s impermanent relationships are worsening their poverty.

Moving directly into marriage from childhood is no long expected and the expectations of marriage have changed. Couples are more focused on having a higher quality marriage and in fact the divorce rates have been falling for the past 25 years.

Americans value family. 76% say family is the most important, meaningful part of their life. 75% say they are “very satisfied” with their family life. And 85% say that the family they live in today is as close or closer than the family in which they grew up.

Economic instability is now more closely associated with marital distress than it used to be. Today two-thirds of people with a college degree are married, compared with less than half of those with a high school degree or less.

Marriage, whatever its social, spiritual or symbolic appeal, is in purely practical terms just not as necessary as it used to be. Neither men nor women need to be married to have sex or companionship or professional success or respect or even children – yet marriage remains revered and desired.

About 70% of us have been married at least once, according to the 2010 Census. 44% of Americans under 30 believe marriage is heading for extinction; only 5 % of those in that age group do not want to get married.

People want to finish college first, In 2010 the median age of men getting married for the first time is 28.2, and for women it’s 26.1. It’s gone up about a year every decade since the 1960’s.

National Census study showed that only 54% of Americans are married. This is down by 72% than it was 50 years ago.

Nearly one in three American children is living with a parent who is divorced, separated or never-married (five times more than 1960). More people are accepting the view that wedding bells aren’t needed to have a family.

In spite of it all, 67% of people are upbeat about the future of marriage- a much higher number than those who are optimistic about education or the economy. Especially during this month, traditionally set aside for love, reflect on the potentially beautiful wonders of a good marriage.

Weddings Should Be About More than a Beautiful Day

It’s wedding season – and weddings are fun! This year’s season began with the romantic and beautiful celebration of the marriage of Prince William to Kate Middleton. This elaborate event captured imagination and elicited thoughts on how to view weddings – which are the birth of a marriage – as about more than the perfect dress, beautiful flowers, a wonderful meal, and a great party. Sometimes the excitement of getting engaged or planning a wedding can overshadow some of the more important issues about the decision to marry. Making the wedding more about a marriage is important!

Engagement and marriage is one of the most significant psychological transitions in life. It involves more than just finding true love. Often engaged couples believe that their relationship will not experience the relationship problems other couples face. However, nearly half of marriages end in divorce so clearly this belief is incorrect in many cases.

To have a healthy marriage, each partner has to be mentally and emotionally mature. This means having a strong sense of self. Rushing into marriage before becoming a “grown up” rarely is successful. Being in love is simply not enough!

Plan your marriage – not just your wedding! This is about more than one day. The popular TV personality Dr. Phil advises engaged couples to consider developing an emotional prenuptial agreement, outlining how you’ll handle children, discipline, sex, money, household chores, religion, careers, in-laws......the list goes on. It may not be very romantic, but marriage isn’t all romance – it’s also collaboration and if you don’t plan for and discuss tough issues – you won’t be able to successfully merge two lives together.

Some engaged couples participate in formal pre-marital counseling before their big day. Such professional sessions can assist in examining compatibility and conflict resolution style. Investing in preparation counseling sessions provides a format for couples to discuss and understand the “hot topics”. Of course, these discussions can occur outside of a professional’s office. The goal is to communicate openly and honestly about what is important to each of you. Not everything can or will be covered before the wedding but by learning effective communication skills, a couple can learn how to navigate future issues of conflict. This skill is critical in marriage.

Agreement on all the issues is not the goal. During these premarital discussions, if you agree on everything, someone isn’t being honest. You are different people and will disagree! However, being able to express strong feelings and respectfully accept a partner’s strong feelings is essential. Finding where you are willing to and how to find that important middle ground is a necessary skill in all marriages.

Living intimately with another person requires making decisions together. It requires consideration of another’s view. Be sure to identify and communicate needs and expectations. It is not selfish to know what is most important to you. Be honest with yourself and your partner about your “non-negotiables” – the deal breakers. We all have them – it is important to understand what they are for you and your partner.


Pre-marital counselor, Dr. Rich Nicastro offers the following five questions for engaged couples to consider:

1. Why do you want to get married? A feeling that “it’s time” is not enough.
2. Why do you want to marry this person? “Because I love him/her” is not enough.
3. What core values do you share with your future spouse? Compatibility on values matter.
4. What are the main differences between the two of you? Understanding and accepting differences are important.
5. How do you envision married life? Discuss expectations.

If a wedding is planned for your summer, take the time to discuss how the wedding day should be the celebration and beginning of a beautiful marriage.

Romance in Marriage

With apologies for stating the obvious – keeping the romance alive in a marriage is not like when dating! When you think about the courtship days you may remember holding hands, quiet candlelight dinners, walks in the moonlight, sharing private laughs, and feelings of being safe, valued, appreciated and truly loved. Those initial passions and sparks dim over time if not kept alive with deliberate focus and intention. It is an important marital challenge to find the ways to be together long term without losing the romance.

Too often spouses come to feel like “business partners” committed to raising children and keeping the household smoothly functioning. The “romantic love” of courtship and early marriage may be replaced with a life that is dominated by the demands of parenting, careers, and financial concerns. Unfortunately, many couples get into a groove where they just become comfortable in a routine of daily life. This can lead to not holding hands anymore, not kissing, or even talking about the day. A significant priority shift from the couple identity to other concerns is problematic as ongoing romance strengthens and enlivens the marriage relationship.

By focusing on your spouse and looking for opportunities to encourage romance, couples keep a closer more satisfying bond. Romance can be facilitated in many ways. By pampering and spoiling your spouse, writing love letters or sending cards, spending time together, or arranging little surprises; the importance of the marital relationship is reinforced. Romance is alive when the marital relationship needs such as respect, appreciation, companionship, support, and affection are met.

Romance springs from friendship and intimacy. Cultivate a friendship with your spouse. Making time to be alone with each other should be a priority. Compliment and flirt with your husband or wife. Take a genuine interest in your spouse’s activities or hobbies. Even when life is hectic and crazy – carve out time for each other!

Don’t expect your spouse to read your mind and make you happy. Each person is individually responsible to communicate needs and desires. Good and effective communication includes being a good listener, paying attention to the words, tone and nonverbal communication to get a complete understanding. If the marital relationship is neglected or ignored, it may be difficult to have an open conversation with your spouse about your relationship. If honest efforts don’t improve things, your marriage may benefit from professional help.

While the marriage relationship should not be superficial or based on physical appearance, it is important to put effort into looking good. Maintaining attraction is important. Consider minimizing wearing the comfortable over-sized grunge-wear. It rarely is an attractive look. Be sexy. Not only can taking care of yourself and your body help your relationship, but it also helps you feel good about yourself.

A very obvious sign of a couple who has lost romance is when physical and affectionate touch has disappeared. Even if the sex drive has changed, couples can maintain touch with hugging, kissing, cuddling, back rubs or foot massages. These non-sexual gestures are independently valuable and may foster a passion spark leading to sexual activity. However, romance and sex are not the same thing and if you expect to be rewarded for physical affection with sex, your spouse will see this motive and the romantic value of the affection can be diminished. It is normal for sexual feelings to ebb and flow during a marriage, but with effort and commitment affection and romance can be kept alive throughout the relationship.

It is important to make every effort to keep the romance and fun in your marriage. Plan regular dates and create opportunities for enjoying each other. Keep focus on what is most important in your marriage; the two of you.