If you are familiar with me, you likely know my view that from a mental health perspective Thanksgiving is the most important holiday of the year. Psychological research confirms what philosophers and spiritual leaders have long taught – living life with a sense of gratitude is a key to happiness. Grateful people report higher levels of positive emotions, life satisfaction and lower levels of depression and stress. Thankful people demonstrate a higher capacity for empathy. The healthiest human emotion is gratitude. Science has proven that having a thankful attitude improves immune functioning and makes one more resistant to stress. People who are grateful are happy, and people who are ungrateful are miserable. The value of consciously focusing on appreciation for blessings in life is really indisputable.
However, there can be times when being thankful is really, really hard. Those who have recently experienced the loss of a loved one, or the foreclosure of a home, or a loss of employment, may find it difficult to identify the other happier aspects of life that also are there. When life is hard – and life is hard for many people today – it can be really easy to see only the negative.
In difficult times gratitude can be a tool to help focus on what is still good and a way to cope with loss and pain. Even with intense grief, a conscious decision to look for things in life to feel grateful for can be powerful. This doesn’t mean a stop to grieving loss, but that there is a focus away from the loss for a time. This can be helpful in navigating the grieving process.
A recently published book by Kelly Buckley titled Gratitude in Grief documents her journey following the sudden death of her 23 year old son. The author stated “One thing has helped me breathe, and that is finding at least one little thing to be grateful for each day, in spite of the pain.” Her writing is a powerful and moving testament to the value of gratitude during even the most unimaginable pain.
Mary J. Lore, author of the book Managing Thought: How Do Your Thoughts Rule Your World? , writes: “During difficult times, we may find ourselves struggling with thoughts of fear, self-doubt, anger, frustration, anxiety, depression, and despair. These kinds of thoughts do not inspire you nor do they move you in a direction that serves your purpose - - in fact, they make matters worse.” Lore advices the following daily practices:
• List everything you are thankful for. Be sure to include what you are thankful for with respect to what you may be most unhappy about.
• At the end of each day, work backward and think of everything you are thankful for from that day.
• Throughout each day, take note of what you are thankful for and be grateful for each experience.
• When you find yourself thinking self-defeating or negative thoughts, take a deep breath, and ask “What can I be thankful for in this moment?”
Even during difficult times, as we practice being thankful, we access a more positive spirit. We improve our relationships, our creativity, and our lives. Gratitude and giving thanks for all we are blessed with every day allows us to enjoy life more fully – even during painful times.
“It’s not easy being grateful all the time. But it’s when you feel least thankful that you are most in need of what gratitude can give you.” ~Oprah Winfrey~
Friday, November 18, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
The Extraordinary Parent–Child Bond
Unfortunately, over the past year I have visited with and comforted four friends who have experienced what most grief experts believe is the most profound loss – the death of a child. While the “children” ranged in age from 20 to 50, the loss of any child is a heartbreaking experience like no other. Losing a child is unnatural, disrupts the order of life, and is a loss of innocence. Parental grief is different from other loses – it is more intense and a long, sad journey that many experts in the field say never end. Grieving parents find ways to get through, not over their loss. The significance of this profoundly life-changing experience causes me to reflect on the extraordinary depth and breadth of the bond between parent and child.
Becoming a parent is one of life’s most amazing events. Children are precious symbols of the future and there is a unique and complex relationship between parents and children. Journalist, Debbye Bell describes herself becoming a mother as “I was not prepared in the least for the kind of rapturous, over-powering, all-consuming, feel-it-in-my-bones love that I have for my precious little girl”. When one becomes a parent there are significant psychological changes and adaptations. For most there is an experience of profound love that knows no limitations.
The connection between a parent and child is such a powerful love that death does not end it. Once you are a parent, the love for your child never ends. Even when a child dies, parental love survives. Researchers, Arnold and Gemma, 1994 write: “There is no relationship like that of parent and child. It is unique and special…The bond between parent and child is so powerful that its strength endures time, distance, and strife. No loss is as significant as the loss of a child…On the death of a child, a parent feels less than whole.” Letting go of and saying good-bye to a loved child may be truly impossible but one can survive this loss.
Becoming a parent changes much of the very normal “self” focus that is natural to humans. One of the miracles of parenting is that giving your child what they need becomes more important than getting what you want. Even most people that before becoming a parent had a self-centered life will put a loved child first. Would Disney World exist if this were not true?
The experience of worry and concern for another change when one becomes a parent. The worries change as a child grows and matures; but the paternal focus on the physical health, happiness, and future of one’s child is a natural preoccupation of parents. The very thought of anything bad happening to a loved child can be terrifying.
It is a parental challenge to balance the fear of pain or harm for a child with the realistic acceptance that a child cannot be shielded from bad things. All children will have difficulties and struggles. Good parenting provides enough freedom for a child to take reasonable risks, have challenges, and live a full independent life. The terror of tragedy involving a loved child has to be tempered with the realization that no parent can (or should) completely protect a child.
If you are a parent, love and cherish your child. Strive to keep them safe and happy but accept the limits of the power to keep them from harm. If you have lost a child, be kind, generous and patient with yourself as you struggle to survive a long, lonely and painful journey.
Becoming a parent is one of life’s most amazing events. Children are precious symbols of the future and there is a unique and complex relationship between parents and children. Journalist, Debbye Bell describes herself becoming a mother as “I was not prepared in the least for the kind of rapturous, over-powering, all-consuming, feel-it-in-my-bones love that I have for my precious little girl”. When one becomes a parent there are significant psychological changes and adaptations. For most there is an experience of profound love that knows no limitations.
The connection between a parent and child is such a powerful love that death does not end it. Once you are a parent, the love for your child never ends. Even when a child dies, parental love survives. Researchers, Arnold and Gemma, 1994 write: “There is no relationship like that of parent and child. It is unique and special…The bond between parent and child is so powerful that its strength endures time, distance, and strife. No loss is as significant as the loss of a child…On the death of a child, a parent feels less than whole.” Letting go of and saying good-bye to a loved child may be truly impossible but one can survive this loss.
Becoming a parent changes much of the very normal “self” focus that is natural to humans. One of the miracles of parenting is that giving your child what they need becomes more important than getting what you want. Even most people that before becoming a parent had a self-centered life will put a loved child first. Would Disney World exist if this were not true?
The experience of worry and concern for another change when one becomes a parent. The worries change as a child grows and matures; but the paternal focus on the physical health, happiness, and future of one’s child is a natural preoccupation of parents. The very thought of anything bad happening to a loved child can be terrifying.
It is a parental challenge to balance the fear of pain or harm for a child with the realistic acceptance that a child cannot be shielded from bad things. All children will have difficulties and struggles. Good parenting provides enough freedom for a child to take reasonable risks, have challenges, and live a full independent life. The terror of tragedy involving a loved child has to be tempered with the realization that no parent can (or should) completely protect a child.
If you are a parent, love and cherish your child. Strive to keep them safe and happy but accept the limits of the power to keep them from harm. If you have lost a child, be kind, generous and patient with yourself as you struggle to survive a long, lonely and painful journey.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Thought for today!
"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style."
~Maya Angelou
~Maya Angelou
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Some Secrets to Staying Motivated
No matter what the goal, the keys to success is getting and staying motivated. Tamara Lowe, a consultant who has studied human achievement for more than 20 years has recently released her book Get Motivated! which indentified three motivational categories, each with descriptions of two contrasting types. An understanding of these concepts can help determine what drives, what is needed to be motivated, and what rewards are effective. With this understanding, getting and maintaining motivation can be improved.
The initial question to consider is “What drives you”. If your answer is competition and deadlines, you are most likely a Producer. The Producer is the classic “Type A” and has self-discipline, is competitive, and decisive. What the Producer needs when motivation is slipping is to turn the goal into a game (break a record) or a competition. If “What drives you” is collaboration, teamwork and relationships, you are more likely a Connector. Connectors put relationships first and are loyal, supportive and team players. They find personal satisfaction in making others happy and the primary challenges to staying motivated are with conflict and isolation. What is needed to maintain motivation is sustenance of relationship with others who struggle with, or has achieved a similar goal. A connector who has a goal of weight loss thrives in settings that offer group support such as Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. A producer with the same goal would be attracted to compete on television’s The Biggest Loser.
Lowe’s second question for consideration is “What do you need to feel fulfilled?” If order, predictability and routine are needed, you are likely a Stabilizer. The Stabilizer is practical, careful, avoids analysis, and sometimes resistant to change. When motivation is challenged, a stabilizer needs to establish set rules to minimize distractions, to identify the incremental steps involved in achievement of the goal and to allow appropriate deadlines for completion and avoid negative feedback or criticism. However, if “What you need to feel fulfilled?” is adventure and new ideas, you are a Variable. Variables thrive on new experiences and novelty and find change is energizing. Relaxed schedules are ideal, surprise is welcome, and they are skilled at finding creative solutions; but variables can be impulsive and find themselves off task. When Variables find motivation slipping, it is necessary to discard rigid schedules and rules and consider alternative approaches to goal achievement and add elements of fun to the process.
The third question to consider is “What inspires you to do your best?” If your answer is appreciation and the sense of contribution, you’re an Internal. Those with an internal reward system find satisfaction from meaningful work and need to feel good about what they are doing. Internals maintain motivation with positive feedback and worthwhile goals. If the motivation slips it is necessary to reconnect with the mission and find ways to be reminded of “the big picture”. It is also necessary to nourish inner resources. This can be accomplished by journaling to refocus on the importance of the goal and by establishing good self-care skills to maintain a sense of balance. Alternatively if the response to “What inspires you to do your best?” is more tangible benefits such as recognition or salary, you are more likely an External. Externals are success –oriented and use tangible assets to measure success. They can maintain motivation by celebrating achievements with incremental rewards (a new dress with a 10 pound weight loss – rather than when the goal weight is achieved). Also acknowledging at least one way that each action is a step closer to the ultimate goal is helpful with motivation and it is important to regularly review your successes and achievements to inspire you to further aspirations.
No matter what your goal- - - better relationships, weight loss or a business achievement, by finding your individual style in what drives you, what fulfills you, and what inspires you, you can be more successful in maintaining motivation to meet your objective.
The initial question to consider is “What drives you”. If your answer is competition and deadlines, you are most likely a Producer. The Producer is the classic “Type A” and has self-discipline, is competitive, and decisive. What the Producer needs when motivation is slipping is to turn the goal into a game (break a record) or a competition. If “What drives you” is collaboration, teamwork and relationships, you are more likely a Connector. Connectors put relationships first and are loyal, supportive and team players. They find personal satisfaction in making others happy and the primary challenges to staying motivated are with conflict and isolation. What is needed to maintain motivation is sustenance of relationship with others who struggle with, or has achieved a similar goal. A connector who has a goal of weight loss thrives in settings that offer group support such as Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. A producer with the same goal would be attracted to compete on television’s The Biggest Loser.
Lowe’s second question for consideration is “What do you need to feel fulfilled?” If order, predictability and routine are needed, you are likely a Stabilizer. The Stabilizer is practical, careful, avoids analysis, and sometimes resistant to change. When motivation is challenged, a stabilizer needs to establish set rules to minimize distractions, to identify the incremental steps involved in achievement of the goal and to allow appropriate deadlines for completion and avoid negative feedback or criticism. However, if “What you need to feel fulfilled?” is adventure and new ideas, you are a Variable. Variables thrive on new experiences and novelty and find change is energizing. Relaxed schedules are ideal, surprise is welcome, and they are skilled at finding creative solutions; but variables can be impulsive and find themselves off task. When Variables find motivation slipping, it is necessary to discard rigid schedules and rules and consider alternative approaches to goal achievement and add elements of fun to the process.
The third question to consider is “What inspires you to do your best?” If your answer is appreciation and the sense of contribution, you’re an Internal. Those with an internal reward system find satisfaction from meaningful work and need to feel good about what they are doing. Internals maintain motivation with positive feedback and worthwhile goals. If the motivation slips it is necessary to reconnect with the mission and find ways to be reminded of “the big picture”. It is also necessary to nourish inner resources. This can be accomplished by journaling to refocus on the importance of the goal and by establishing good self-care skills to maintain a sense of balance. Alternatively if the response to “What inspires you to do your best?” is more tangible benefits such as recognition or salary, you are more likely an External. Externals are success –oriented and use tangible assets to measure success. They can maintain motivation by celebrating achievements with incremental rewards (a new dress with a 10 pound weight loss – rather than when the goal weight is achieved). Also acknowledging at least one way that each action is a step closer to the ultimate goal is helpful with motivation and it is important to regularly review your successes and achievements to inspire you to further aspirations.
No matter what your goal- - - better relationships, weight loss or a business achievement, by finding your individual style in what drives you, what fulfills you, and what inspires you, you can be more successful in maintaining motivation to meet your objective.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Thought for The Day
"One of the secrets of inner peace is the practice of compassion.”
Tenzin Gyatso, The 14th Dalai Lama
Tenzin Gyatso, The 14th Dalai Lama
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Weddings Should Be About More than a Beautiful Day
It’s wedding season – and weddings are fun! This year’s season began with the romantic and beautiful celebration of the marriage of Prince William to Kate Middleton. This elaborate event captured imagination and elicited thoughts on how to view weddings – which are the birth of a marriage – as about more than the perfect dress, beautiful flowers, a wonderful meal, and a great party. Sometimes the excitement of getting engaged or planning a wedding can overshadow some of the more important issues about the decision to marry. Making the wedding more about a marriage is important!
Engagement and marriage is one of the most significant psychological transitions in life. It involves more than just finding true love. Often engaged couples believe that their relationship will not experience the relationship problems other couples face. However, nearly half of marriages end in divorce so clearly this belief is incorrect in many cases.
To have a healthy marriage, each partner has to be mentally and emotionally mature. This means having a strong sense of self. Rushing into marriage before becoming a “grown up” rarely is successful. Being in love is simply not enough!
Plan your marriage – not just your wedding! This is about more than one day. The popular TV personality Dr. Phil advises engaged couples to consider developing an emotional prenuptial agreement, outlining how you’ll handle children, discipline, sex, money, household chores, religion, careers, in-laws......the list goes on. It may not be very romantic, but marriage isn’t all romance – it’s also collaboration and if you don’t plan for and discuss tough issues – you won’t be able to successfully merge two lives together.
Some engaged couples participate in formal pre-marital counseling before their big day. Such professional sessions can assist in examining compatibility and conflict resolution style. Investing in preparation counseling sessions provides a format for couples to discuss and understand the “hot topics”. Of course, these discussions can occur outside of a professional’s office. The goal is to communicate openly and honestly about what is important to each of you. Not everything can or will be covered before the wedding but by learning effective communication skills, a couple can learn how to navigate future issues of conflict. This skill is critical in marriage.
Agreement on all the issues is not the goal. During these premarital discussions, if you agree on everything, someone isn’t being honest. You are different people and will disagree! However, being able to express strong feelings and respectfully accept a partner’s strong feelings is essential. Finding where you are willing to and how to find that important middle ground is a necessary skill in all marriages.
Living intimately with another person requires making decisions together. It requires consideration of another’s view. Be sure to identify and communicate needs and expectations. It is not selfish to know what is most important to you. Be honest with yourself and your partner about your “non-negotiables” – the deal breakers. We all have them – it is important to understand what they are for you and your partner.
Pre-marital counselor, Dr. Rich Nicastro offers the following five questions for engaged couples to consider:
1. Why do you want to get married? A feeling that “it’s time” is not enough.
2. Why do you want to marry this person? “Because I love him/her” is not enough.
3. What core values do you share with your future spouse? Compatibility on values matter.
4. What are the main differences between the two of you? Understanding and accepting differences are important.
5. How do you envision married life? Discuss expectations.
If a wedding is planned for your summer, take the time to discuss how the wedding day should be the celebration and beginning of a beautiful marriage.
Engagement and marriage is one of the most significant psychological transitions in life. It involves more than just finding true love. Often engaged couples believe that their relationship will not experience the relationship problems other couples face. However, nearly half of marriages end in divorce so clearly this belief is incorrect in many cases.
To have a healthy marriage, each partner has to be mentally and emotionally mature. This means having a strong sense of self. Rushing into marriage before becoming a “grown up” rarely is successful. Being in love is simply not enough!
Plan your marriage – not just your wedding! This is about more than one day. The popular TV personality Dr. Phil advises engaged couples to consider developing an emotional prenuptial agreement, outlining how you’ll handle children, discipline, sex, money, household chores, religion, careers, in-laws......the list goes on. It may not be very romantic, but marriage isn’t all romance – it’s also collaboration and if you don’t plan for and discuss tough issues – you won’t be able to successfully merge two lives together.
Some engaged couples participate in formal pre-marital counseling before their big day. Such professional sessions can assist in examining compatibility and conflict resolution style. Investing in preparation counseling sessions provides a format for couples to discuss and understand the “hot topics”. Of course, these discussions can occur outside of a professional’s office. The goal is to communicate openly and honestly about what is important to each of you. Not everything can or will be covered before the wedding but by learning effective communication skills, a couple can learn how to navigate future issues of conflict. This skill is critical in marriage.
Agreement on all the issues is not the goal. During these premarital discussions, if you agree on everything, someone isn’t being honest. You are different people and will disagree! However, being able to express strong feelings and respectfully accept a partner’s strong feelings is essential. Finding where you are willing to and how to find that important middle ground is a necessary skill in all marriages.
Living intimately with another person requires making decisions together. It requires consideration of another’s view. Be sure to identify and communicate needs and expectations. It is not selfish to know what is most important to you. Be honest with yourself and your partner about your “non-negotiables” – the deal breakers. We all have them – it is important to understand what they are for you and your partner.
Pre-marital counselor, Dr. Rich Nicastro offers the following five questions for engaged couples to consider:
1. Why do you want to get married? A feeling that “it’s time” is not enough.
2. Why do you want to marry this person? “Because I love him/her” is not enough.
3. What core values do you share with your future spouse? Compatibility on values matter.
4. What are the main differences between the two of you? Understanding and accepting differences are important.
5. How do you envision married life? Discuss expectations.
If a wedding is planned for your summer, take the time to discuss how the wedding day should be the celebration and beginning of a beautiful marriage.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Congratulations to the Class of 2011!!
Graduation from high school will be celebrated in May and many families will experience the rush of emotions that accompany this special time. In Georgia alone, thousands of seniors will be leaving high school to begin their next adventure. Some will start college and will experience life away from home for the first time, while others will begin full-time employment and all the responsibilities that come with adult independence. This is a joyous, emotional, and tense time for both the students and their families.
At this milestone it is important for graduates to express gratitude to the special people who have shaped their life. Parents and family members are crucial with their love and support, but the list of important influences most assuredly goes beyond family. Every high school graduate owes some level of thanks to special friends, teachers, coaches, and religious leaders who provided patience, encouragement, empathy and inspiration. Graduates are advised to express their appreciation to these special people.
It is predictable for new graduates to feel anxiety. There can be fears about success in the next phase of life. Many graduates will be leaving the familiarity of home, family and friends and moving from a secure sense of who you are and what you can do into unknown worlds. The adult work life and college life is unlike high school.
Opening up to friends and family about fears can help calm and reassure. Trust that your friends are experiencing similar concerns and bottling up fears will only intensify the power of the anxiety. Life transitions come with apprehensions and doubts. Leaving a familiar high school where you are known and accepted to “unknown territories” is not an easy task. It is important and helpful to express your feelings.
Life after high school is different. For many years students are encouraged to remain compliant and docile and high school students have very little voice in decisions about their activities. As graduates you must take control of life. College students make decisions about attending class, how much sleep is needed, and when and what to eat. College students decide for themselves want they want to learn and when they want to learn it. While all of these decisions carry consequences, the responsibility is with each individual not with a parent, a teacher, or an administrative official. The freedom can be either a blessing or a curse – depending on whether you accept it with maturity and grace …or abuse it.
Additionally it is important to develop a strategy for yourself on how you want to manage your future. Develop clarity on your personal values so you have clear boundaries to help face the many temptations that will come with the increase in freedom and responsibility.
I discovered a graduation address by Paul Graham who offered the following advice; “There’s no switch inside of you that magically flips when you turn a certain age or graduate from some institution. You start being an adult when you decide to take responsibility for your life. You can do that at any age.” Mr. Graham also very wisely encouraged graduates not to feel a sense of panic if they have uncertainties about what to do with the rest of their life. He advised not to push to be in a rush to definitively choose a life work but to focus on the discovery what is important and enjoyable. “You have to work on stuff you like if you want to be good at what you do.”
Congratulations to the Class of 2011 –
NOW - - GO HAVE YOUR NEXT ADVENTURE!!
At this milestone it is important for graduates to express gratitude to the special people who have shaped their life. Parents and family members are crucial with their love and support, but the list of important influences most assuredly goes beyond family. Every high school graduate owes some level of thanks to special friends, teachers, coaches, and religious leaders who provided patience, encouragement, empathy and inspiration. Graduates are advised to express their appreciation to these special people.
It is predictable for new graduates to feel anxiety. There can be fears about success in the next phase of life. Many graduates will be leaving the familiarity of home, family and friends and moving from a secure sense of who you are and what you can do into unknown worlds. The adult work life and college life is unlike high school.
Opening up to friends and family about fears can help calm and reassure. Trust that your friends are experiencing similar concerns and bottling up fears will only intensify the power of the anxiety. Life transitions come with apprehensions and doubts. Leaving a familiar high school where you are known and accepted to “unknown territories” is not an easy task. It is important and helpful to express your feelings.
Life after high school is different. For many years students are encouraged to remain compliant and docile and high school students have very little voice in decisions about their activities. As graduates you must take control of life. College students make decisions about attending class, how much sleep is needed, and when and what to eat. College students decide for themselves want they want to learn and when they want to learn it. While all of these decisions carry consequences, the responsibility is with each individual not with a parent, a teacher, or an administrative official. The freedom can be either a blessing or a curse – depending on whether you accept it with maturity and grace …or abuse it.
Additionally it is important to develop a strategy for yourself on how you want to manage your future. Develop clarity on your personal values so you have clear boundaries to help face the many temptations that will come with the increase in freedom and responsibility.
I discovered a graduation address by Paul Graham who offered the following advice; “There’s no switch inside of you that magically flips when you turn a certain age or graduate from some institution. You start being an adult when you decide to take responsibility for your life. You can do that at any age.” Mr. Graham also very wisely encouraged graduates not to feel a sense of panic if they have uncertainties about what to do with the rest of their life. He advised not to push to be in a rush to definitively choose a life work but to focus on the discovery what is important and enjoyable. “You have to work on stuff you like if you want to be good at what you do.”
Congratulations to the Class of 2011 –
NOW - - GO HAVE YOUR NEXT ADVENTURE!!
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