Thought for The Day

"One of the secrets of inner peace is the practice of compassion.”
Tenzin Gyatso, The 14th Dalai Lama

Weddings Should Be About More than a Beautiful Day

It’s wedding season – and weddings are fun! This year’s season began with the romantic and beautiful celebration of the marriage of Prince William to Kate Middleton. This elaborate event captured imagination and elicited thoughts on how to view weddings – which are the birth of a marriage – as about more than the perfect dress, beautiful flowers, a wonderful meal, and a great party. Sometimes the excitement of getting engaged or planning a wedding can overshadow some of the more important issues about the decision to marry. Making the wedding more about a marriage is important!

Engagement and marriage is one of the most significant psychological transitions in life. It involves more than just finding true love. Often engaged couples believe that their relationship will not experience the relationship problems other couples face. However, nearly half of marriages end in divorce so clearly this belief is incorrect in many cases.

To have a healthy marriage, each partner has to be mentally and emotionally mature. This means having a strong sense of self. Rushing into marriage before becoming a “grown up” rarely is successful. Being in love is simply not enough!

Plan your marriage – not just your wedding! This is about more than one day. The popular TV personality Dr. Phil advises engaged couples to consider developing an emotional prenuptial agreement, outlining how you’ll handle children, discipline, sex, money, household chores, religion, careers, in-laws......the list goes on. It may not be very romantic, but marriage isn’t all romance – it’s also collaboration and if you don’t plan for and discuss tough issues – you won’t be able to successfully merge two lives together.

Some engaged couples participate in formal pre-marital counseling before their big day. Such professional sessions can assist in examining compatibility and conflict resolution style. Investing in preparation counseling sessions provides a format for couples to discuss and understand the “hot topics”. Of course, these discussions can occur outside of a professional’s office. The goal is to communicate openly and honestly about what is important to each of you. Not everything can or will be covered before the wedding but by learning effective communication skills, a couple can learn how to navigate future issues of conflict. This skill is critical in marriage.

Agreement on all the issues is not the goal. During these premarital discussions, if you agree on everything, someone isn’t being honest. You are different people and will disagree! However, being able to express strong feelings and respectfully accept a partner’s strong feelings is essential. Finding where you are willing to and how to find that important middle ground is a necessary skill in all marriages.

Living intimately with another person requires making decisions together. It requires consideration of another’s view. Be sure to identify and communicate needs and expectations. It is not selfish to know what is most important to you. Be honest with yourself and your partner about your “non-negotiables” – the deal breakers. We all have them – it is important to understand what they are for you and your partner.


Pre-marital counselor, Dr. Rich Nicastro offers the following five questions for engaged couples to consider:

1. Why do you want to get married? A feeling that “it’s time” is not enough.
2. Why do you want to marry this person? “Because I love him/her” is not enough.
3. What core values do you share with your future spouse? Compatibility on values matter.
4. What are the main differences between the two of you? Understanding and accepting differences are important.
5. How do you envision married life? Discuss expectations.

If a wedding is planned for your summer, take the time to discuss how the wedding day should be the celebration and beginning of a beautiful marriage.

Congratulations to the Class of 2011!!

Graduation from high school will be celebrated in May and many families will experience the rush of emotions that accompany this special time. In Georgia alone, thousands of seniors will be leaving high school to begin their next adventure. Some will start college and will experience life away from home for the first time, while others will begin full-time employment and all the responsibilities that come with adult independence. This is a joyous, emotional, and tense time for both the students and their families.

At this milestone it is important for graduates to express gratitude to the special people who have shaped their life. Parents and family members are crucial with their love and support, but the list of important influences most assuredly goes beyond family. Every high school graduate owes some level of thanks to special friends, teachers, coaches, and religious leaders who provided patience, encouragement, empathy and inspiration. Graduates are advised to express their appreciation to these special people.

It is predictable for new graduates to feel anxiety. There can be fears about success in the next phase of life. Many graduates will be leaving the familiarity of home, family and friends and moving from a secure sense of who you are and what you can do into unknown worlds. The adult work life and college life is unlike high school.

Opening up to friends and family about fears can help calm and reassure. Trust that your friends are experiencing similar concerns and bottling up fears will only intensify the power of the anxiety. Life transitions come with apprehensions and doubts. Leaving a familiar high school where you are known and accepted to “unknown territories” is not an easy task. It is important and helpful to express your feelings.

Life after high school is different. For many years students are encouraged to remain compliant and docile and high school students have very little voice in decisions about their activities. As graduates you must take control of life. College students make decisions about attending class, how much sleep is needed, and when and what to eat. College students decide for themselves want they want to learn and when they want to learn it. While all of these decisions carry consequences, the responsibility is with each individual not with a parent, a teacher, or an administrative official. The freedom can be either a blessing or a curse – depending on whether you accept it with maturity and grace …or abuse it.

Additionally it is important to develop a strategy for yourself on how you want to manage your future. Develop clarity on your personal values so you have clear boundaries to help face the many temptations that will come with the increase in freedom and responsibility.

I discovered a graduation address by Paul Graham who offered the following advice; “There’s no switch inside of you that magically flips when you turn a certain age or graduate from some institution. You start being an adult when you decide to take responsibility for your life. You can do that at any age.” Mr. Graham also very wisely encouraged graduates not to feel a sense of panic if they have uncertainties about what to do with the rest of their life. He advised not to push to be in a rush to definitively choose a life work but to focus on the discovery what is important and enjoyable. “You have to work on stuff you like if you want to be good at what you do.”

Congratulations to the Class of 2011 –
NOW - - GO HAVE YOUR NEXT ADVENTURE!!

Thought for today - - -

If a man insisted always on being serious and never allowed himself a bit of fun and relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing it.
~Herodotus (c. 485-425 B.C.)

In between all that you "have to" and "need to" accomplish today - - remember to have some fun and make today joyful!

Are You a Member of the Sandwich Generation?

If you are among the large and growing number of adults squeezed between the needs of an aging parent, relative or friend; and the demands of children, spouses and careers; you are a member of the Sandwich Generation – and you are not alone. Surveys estimate 22.4 million U.S. households – nearly one in four – now are providing some form of elder care. Baby boomers (those born between 1946 and 1965) are likely to spend more years caring for a parent than raising children; and for the first time in history, many families have more parents to care for than children to raise.

Fortunately, family ties are strong and studies show that most adult children feel very close to their parents. It is this love and a sense of responsibility that compels us to care for those who once cared for us. While we accept the responsibility for elder care, there is a multitude of issues and concerns associated with the Sandwich Generation and its conflicting care giving demands.

Today, most people live into their seventies and eighties, and many live into their nineties. Just as toddlers and teenagers cause certain kinds of family crises, so do aging and ill parents. Elders face unique challenges and concerns. As people age they may need help with anything from finances to driving. Elders move from the “young-old” stage where reasonable good health is enjoyed and basic needs can be independently met, to the “old-old” stage with serious illness where the need for help is critical. At times assistance with household tasks, transportation and shopping allows elders to live independently. However, as the needs progress due to illness or frailty, the care giving tasks become more demanding.

The greatest challenge for many elders is learning to accept vulnerability and ask for help. Mary Pipher, Ph.D. suggests in her powerful book: Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders, it is helpful to view life as a time line. She writes: “we realize that all of us are sometimes more and sometimes less dependent on others. At certain stages we are caretakers, and at other stages we are cared for. Neither state is superior to the other. Neither implies pathology or weakness. Both are just the result of life having seasons and circumstances. In fact, good mental health is not a matter of dependent or independent, but of being able to accept the stage one is in with grace and dignity. It’s an awareness of being, over the course of one’s lifetime, continually interdependent.”

There are wonderful benefits to intergenerational family experiences. Caring for parents often means that children have more time with grandparents, which is good for children at any age but especially important for teenagers. Grandparents tend to be wiser and kinder than adolescent peers. They are less busy than parents. When children assist and participate in the lives of elders they have an opportunity to appreciate the value of being truly helpful and grow in their understanding of other generations.

Members of the Sandwich Generation need practical help balancing family obligations. Too many caregivers think they are failures if they don’t successfully keep all needs met. It’s not realistic to think one person can know or do everything. Take advantage of outside services, allow yourself a break from continual care, and enlist the support of family and friends. Most communities offer a variety of helpful resources that provide everything from day care for the elderly to opportunities for socialization and enjoyable activities.

Assisting in the care of elder parents while still raising children is a rewarding, important, but daunting task. It is most helpful to define this care as a family shared joyful responsibility where each generation has its own gifts to share with the other generations.

Anxiety Disorders

It is completely normal to worry or feel stressed when life gets frantic or difficult. Anxiety is a normal reaction to stress and an expected and normal part of life. However, when anxiety becomes excessive it becomes a disturbing and disabling disorder. Problem anxiety interferes with the ability to sleep or function in daily life. Anxiety disorders are mental health conditions that include excessive amounts of nervousness, fear, worry, or dread. Anxiety disorders are the most common psychological difficulty that affect over 40 million adults in the United States. Anxiety disorders are highly treatable, yet only about one-third of those suffering receive treatment. Additionally anxiety, very often, will co-exist with depression.

Anxiety disorders may be caused by environmental factors from life changes, stress and tension; medical factors, genetics, brain chemistry, substance abuse, or a combination of these.


There are different types of anxiety disorders, with different symptoms.

• Generalized anxiety disorders (GAD) involves long standing excessive worry about nonspecific areas of life. GAD sufferers often feel afraid and worry about health, finances, family, work or potential misfortunes. The fear is usually unrealistic and there is sense that the worst will happen.

• Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder characterized by thoughts or actions that are repetitive, distressing, and intrusive. OCD suffers usually know that their compulsions are unreasonable or irrational, but they serve to alleviate their anxiety. negative ruminative thoughts and the use of certain behaviors to relieve the feelings of anxiety and fear. Other disorders that are thought to be related to OCD include trichotillomania (compulsive hair pulling), and compulsive shoplifting.

• Panic Disorder (with or without agoraphobia) involves intense and sudden periods of fear or even terror. There is typically an abrupt onset that involves physical symptoms such as racing heart rate, difficulty breathing, shaking, chest pain, hot flashes or chilling and an intense sense of fear. Panic attacks are not dangerous, but they can be terrifying. Agoraphobia describes a severe anxiety about being in a situation where panic may occur.

• Phobias are intense fears and avoidance of situations (flying in a plane, driving on the express way) or of things (bugs, heights). Phobias typically cause people to avoid the things they are afraid of.

• Social phobias are social anxiety where there is extreme levels of discomfort in social interations. The fear is typically about a fear of being negatively judged by others or a fear of public embarrassment or humiliations.

• Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder resulting from a past trauma (such as military combat, rape, a serious accident or other extreme experience). Symptoms include flashbacks, nightmares, or extreme fear.

Avoiding situations that make you anxious might help you feel better in the short term. However the relief is only temporary and usually concerns that the anxiety will return becomes problematic. Every time something is avoided, it becomes harder to face it and gradually more and more situations are avoided.

There are a variety of behavioral actions and techniques that are helpful with anxiety. Learning how to manage stress in life and not over committing is important. Looking after physical health is important. Eat healthy meals, get regular exercise, and get enough sleep. Relaxation, meditation, and breathing exercises really do help.

However, when an anxiety disorder is significantly interfering with life, professional assistance is important. Medication treatments of anxiety used in conjunction with therapy is very helpful in the treatment of anxiety disorders. Medications are commonly prescribed by physicians (family practice, OB-GYNs, or psychiatrists). Psychotherapy or counseling is helpful by exploring the root causes of the anxiety, and by developing a systematic treatment plan to challenge the irrational belief systems that develop with anxiety. Most people who seek treatment experience significant improvement and improved quality of life.

Good Marriages are Created - - - Not Found

February is traditionally recognized as a month to remember love and relationships. Marriage is one of the most pivotal and significant relationships any of us will experience. During this Valentine season it is especially important and helpful to reflect on what qualities, behaviors, and attitudes predict satisfaction and happiness in a marriage.

During my clinical training (over 25 years ago) I was taught the importance of communication in marital happiness. For many years therapists predominately focused on assisting couples to express themselves and listen to their partners. While the skills involved in open and effective communication are important in any relationship, research has shown how much more there is to a happy marriage.

Dr. John Gottman a clinical psychologist and foremost researcher in the area of couple relationships, has studied many hundreds of couples since 1980. Dr. Gottman’s research has identified not only predictors of divorce but also has identified 7 behaviors that predict a mutually satisfying marriage.

A strong friendship is the foundation of a good marriage. A relationship where one feels known (preferences, dreams, goals) and where fondness and admiration are expressed to each other are the first two predictors of a stable marriage. The third important behavior identified by research is an inclination and effort to turn toward and approach your spouse rather than turn away. Expressing genuine interest in each other’s daily activities is important. Also essential is a focus and intention to look for the good in each other rather than to focus on negatives.

Conflicts are inevitable in any relationship and research has shown that the ability to resolve solvable problems is predictive of a stable marriage. However, some conflicts cannot be resolved by reaching agreement (different views on religion, sex or political issues; some parenting attitudes; basic attitudes about money). When agreement cannot be achieved, the goal should be to find a way to respectfully express and listen to each view without getting stuck with the goal of convincing your spouse of the “rightness” of your view. Not only is this disrespectful, it will lead to gridlock in the relationship.

Unsolvable (or perpetual) issues are difficult but once each partner respectfully understands the view of their spouse, it is important to know when to “drop it and move on”. Continuing to focus on and rehash the same points will often lead the couple to power struggles and destructive communication behaviors including criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Focus on ways to compromise to find the middle ground. Be open to a willingness to be influenced by your partner and to “see their side” of an issue.

It is important that couples create a sense of “we-ness” with shared meaning in cultural, philosophical, and spiritual ideas. While your spouse needn’t be your clone – (how boring would that be?) -- sharing important life dreams and goals is bonding in a marriage.

It is valuable to spend time with your spouse to discuss your day and your feelings. Make a daily commitment to express things you appreciate about your spouse - - look for the positive things you can recognize – they are there but often in marriage we neglect looking for or expressing gratitude. Take the time for physical expressions of affection (sexual and nonsexual) to keep that part of your relationship alive.

Good marriages do not “just happen” but are always the result of deep desire and genuine effort. With commitment and energy you can create the relationship you want.