Many Believe Marriage is Obsolete

The month of February is often associated with love and of course Valentine’s Day. It is natural to focus on marriage and relationships at this time. The romance and sentiment of this time is special and it is helpful to have fun and enjoy the special significance of this holiday to celebrate love. However, in November of 2010 a rather startling survey by the Pew Research Center suggested a sobering poll about Americans view of marriage where nearly 40% of Americans stated that marriage is becoming obsolete (up from 28% in 1978). The poll caused a flurry of articles and more than a little concern and sadness among couples and marriage therapists.

The TIME/Pew poll was also interesting in its contradictions. While 40% believed marriage is becoming obsolete; only 25% of the unmarried stated they do not want to get married; and among currently married, 80% said their marriage is as close as or closer than their parents’ marriage.

The poll suggests that marriage is respected and desired, but is no longer the social and economic necessity it once was. It is possible and many would argue completely acceptable to develop a full and successful life outside of marriage.

In the 1950s, when half of all American women were already married in their teens, marriage was an almost mandatory first step toward adulthood. During this time, marriage was the path to parenthood, and unmarried men were routinely judged less qualified for bank loans or job promotions. The view of marriage has shifted to less on sacrifice and obligation than to romance, and happiness. Getting married for life, having children and raising them with your spouse is still the ideal for most Americans but acceptance of the alternative paths has grown.

Today, however, there are other paths to grow up, seek financial independence, parent children, and have intimate companionship. Johns Hopkins University sociologist Andrew Cherlin states: “Marriage is still very important in this country, but it doesn’t dominate family life like it used to. Now there are several ways to have a successful family life, and more people accept them.”“The college-educated wait until they’re finished with their education and the careers are launched. The less educated wait until they feel comfortable financially.” With the recession and the challenging economy job opportunities are disappearing so some wait to get married. But they don’t wait to set up house. There was a 13% increase in couples living together from 2009 to 2010. People are living together because they don’t have enough money to live alone, but they aren’t going to get married until they have enough money. For most college-educated couples, living together is a prelude to marriage. Those without a college degree tend to move in together, have children, and then look at marriage.

It is unclear whether the burdens of poverty are making people’s relationships less permanent or people’s impermanent relationships are worsening their poverty.

Moving directly into marriage from childhood is no long expected and the expectations of marriage have changed. Couples are more focused on having a higher quality marriage and in fact the divorce rates have been falling for the past 25 years.

Americans value family. 76% say family is the most important, meaningful part of their life. 75% say they are “very satisfied” with their family life. And 85% say that the family they live in today is as close or closer than the family in which they grew up.

Economic instability is now more closely associated with marital distress than it used to be. Today two-thirds of people with a college degree are married, compared with less than half of those with a high school degree or less.

Marriage, whatever its social, spiritual or symbolic appeal, is in purely practical terms just not as necessary as it used to be. Neither men nor women need to be married to have sex or companionship or professional success or respect or even children – yet marriage remains revered and desired.

About 70% of us have been married at least once, according to the 2010 Census. 44% of Americans under 30 believe marriage is heading for extinction; only 5 % of those in that age group do not want to get married.

People want to finish college first, In 2010 the median age of men getting married for the first time is 28.2, and for women it’s 26.1. It’s gone up about a year every decade since the 1960’s.

National Census study showed that only 54% of Americans are married. This is down by 72% than it was 50 years ago.

Nearly one in three American children is living with a parent who is divorced, separated or never-married (five times more than 1960). More people are accepting the view that wedding bells aren’t needed to have a family.

In spite of it all, 67% of people are upbeat about the future of marriage- a much higher number than those who are optimistic about education or the economy. Especially during this month, traditionally set aside for love, reflect on the potentially beautiful wonders of a good marriage.

Healing After Betrayal in Business

Trust is the foundation in effective relationships and because any business has an assortment of relationships, there is a need for trust in the workplace. Yet, trust means different things to different people. There is a truth about integrity, ethics and honesty in business – one size does not fit all - and some excuse bad behavior as playing the business game (“it was not personal - just a business decision”). Given that reality, any of us likely have experienced betrayal in our work settings.

Betrayal, the loss of trust, occurs on a continuum from major to minor incidents. Sometimes betrayal is not about what happened, but rather how it happened and comes in three types: 1) unintentional, 2) premeditated, and 3) opportunistic. Most betrayals in the workplace are opportunistic where specific circumstances develop and are paired with a condition where more gain can be obtained through dishonesty and manipulation than by acting with integrity. This “opportunity” creates a temptation that can drive people to not keep their agreements or mislead coworkers to further their own agenda.

When confronted with dishonest or unethical behavior, a favorite tool of the opportunistic betrayer is the claim of “it’s just a misunderstanding” where they claim their actions are somehow being misinterpreted. This “cover” prevents any level of direct or honest communication to develop and erodes the professional relationship - at times beyond repair. It is very difficult to have a relationship with such an insincere person as there is a perpetuation of the façade of “I’m really a good, amiable person – you just misunderstood me.” This personality is actually more difficult to work with than the directly unpleasant and self-absorbed coworker who straightforwardly communicates a goal of self-interest above all else.

Persistent dishonesty in a work environment is toxic to the individuals involved and to the whole system. Betrayal undermines trust, communication, creativity and innovation. When these feelings are chronic and intense, the result is a negative, unpleasant or even openly hostile environment. The detrimental impact of spending hours daily in such a place is enormous.

After a dishonesty or manipulation, trusting again is very difficult. The first tricky question is “Do they deserve my trust?’ Some betrayals are isolated events within the context of an otherwise positive relationship. These work relationships can be repaired following betrayal. It is important to talk to your coworker about your feelings and allow them an opportunity to restore the feeling of goodwill so that the relationship can move forward.

However, not all deserve trust. A famous definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. If you have repeated experiences of deceit with a person and/or you observe this behavior in their interactions with other people, it is unlikely realistic to expect anything different from them. In business, it is not always possible to end these toxic relationships completely but it is important to be cautious in your interactions and limit vulnerability.

Even if trust cannot be repaired, it is important to forgive and to move on from the betrayal. A desire for vengeance, vindication, or retribution can lead to obsession and often does more damage than the original betrayal. Forgiveness is important as part of the process necessary for healing. The most powerful result of forgiveness is to allow the forgiver to reclaim the peace of mind that comes from letting go of past hurts. You need not condone the action, nor deny the painful feelings – in fact, you must acknowledge the facts and emotions, in order to know what you are ready to release. As you free yourself from the pain caused by others, you regain personal power and self-respect. Acceptance is not condoning what was done, but experiencing the reality of what happened without denying or resenting it.

Making the Holidays Happy

It is heard throughout the season - - the hopes for and the wishes offered to others to “have a happy holiday” or for a “Merry Christmas”. It is helpful to reflect on what composes a joyful experience of this holiday season. By understanding what creates a general sense of happiness, there are clues on what elements in the holiday season will facilitate a truly Happy Holiday.

What produces happiness is somewhat subjective to an individual, yet the discipline of positive psychology has determined that many underlying determinants of happiness are consistent. A large influence in level of happiness is personality. General temperament and outlook on life are key factors. These factors include optimism and resiliency which can be nurtured and developed over time, leading to an improved overall sense of happiness.

For some when they consider happiness, they often think about things that bring them pleasure. Food, possessions, or sex often are mentioned when people are asked about what brings happiness. However, research conducted by positive psychologists has determined that often these bring temporary pleasure but are not the core of deep joy. True happiness has been found to be more connected to having things in life that are both pleasurable and meaningful.

Humans are a social species, and social interaction is crucial. Healthy relationships are important in an overall sense of happiness and fulfillment in life. An interesting statistic is that people who describe themselves as very happy watch 20% less television than unhappy people. TV seems to be a short-term pleasure, but humans crave connection; and while a distraction, TV offers little opportunities for meaningful interpersonal interaction which is crucial to life satisfaction.

One of the most highly rated predictors of happiness is being in love. Additionally, while all marriages are imperfect and often complained about; married men and women are generally happier than people who are single or divorced. It may be that marriage contributes to happiness or that happiness causes marital satisfaction. Whatever comes first, people who are happier tend to have better intimate relationships and more stable marriages.

Money does little to make us happier once basic needs are met, but how someone spends money can affect happiness level. Using money to buy experiences such as a vacation or outing has been shown to bring far more joy than a new toy. Additionally, using money to do good and help others brings higher levels of happiness than funding fun activities. This suggests that spending money on charity contributes more to happiness than the same amount of cash spent on oneself.

Research confirms the connection between faith and happiness. Religion and spirituality can give a sense of purpose and meaning in life, provide a connection to a caring, supportive community, and offer a sense of comfort. Generally, people of faith express greater levels of happiness.

In the rush to do it all, the importance and meaning of this holiday season can be forgotten. There is more happiness in a holiday season when relationships are focal, religious expressions are nurtured and less when spending money and gift giving are the predominate elements of the experience. The materialistic features of Christmas celebrations may undermine joy, while family, social, and spiritual activities may create the most satisfying holiday memories.

During this season - - at least once a day - - stop the endless progression of doing the next essential task towards creating the perfect holiday and do something that brings joy - - something meaningful that make the holidays special for you and your family.

“And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It can without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ‘till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store? What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.”
~Dr. Seuss

Feeling Gratitude Even When Life is Difficult

If you are familiar with me, you likely know my view that from a mental health perspective Thanksgiving is the most important holiday of the year. Psychological research confirms what philosophers and spiritual leaders have long taught – living life with a sense of gratitude is a key to happiness. Grateful people report higher levels of positive emotions, life satisfaction and lower levels of depression and stress. Thankful people demonstrate a higher capacity for empathy. The healthiest human emotion is gratitude. Science has proven that having a thankful attitude improves immune functioning and makes one more resistant to stress. People who are grateful are happy, and people who are ungrateful are miserable. The value of consciously focusing on appreciation for blessings in life is really indisputable.

However, there can be times when being thankful is really, really hard. Those who have recently experienced the loss of a loved one, or the foreclosure of a home, or a loss of employment, may find it difficult to identify the other happier aspects of life that also are there. When life is hard – and life is hard for many people today – it can be really easy to see only the negative.

In difficult times gratitude can be a tool to help focus on what is still good and a way to cope with loss and pain. Even with intense grief, a conscious decision to look for things in life to feel grateful for can be powerful. This doesn’t mean a stop to grieving loss, but that there is a focus away from the loss for a time. This can be helpful in navigating the grieving process.

A recently published book by Kelly Buckley titled Gratitude in Grief documents her journey following the sudden death of her 23 year old son. The author stated “One thing has helped me breathe, and that is finding at least one little thing to be grateful for each day, in spite of the pain.” Her writing is a powerful and moving testament to the value of gratitude during even the most unimaginable pain.

Mary J. Lore, author of the book Managing Thought: How Do Your Thoughts Rule Your World? , writes: “During difficult times, we may find ourselves struggling with thoughts of fear, self-doubt, anger, frustration, anxiety, depression, and despair. These kinds of thoughts do not inspire you nor do they move you in a direction that serves your purpose - - in fact, they make matters worse.” Lore advices the following daily practices:

• List everything you are thankful for. Be sure to include what you are thankful for with respect to what you may be most unhappy about.
• At the end of each day, work backward and think of everything you are thankful for from that day.
• Throughout each day, take note of what you are thankful for and be grateful for each experience.
• When you find yourself thinking self-defeating or negative thoughts, take a deep breath, and ask “What can I be thankful for in this moment?”

Even during difficult times, as we practice being thankful, we access a more positive spirit. We improve our relationships, our creativity, and our lives. Gratitude and giving thanks for all we are blessed with every day allows us to enjoy life more fully – even during painful times.

“It’s not easy being grateful all the time. But it’s when you feel least thankful that you are most in need of what gratitude can give you.” ~Oprah Winfrey~

The Extraordinary Parent–Child Bond

Unfortunately, over the past year I have visited with and comforted four friends who have experienced what most grief experts believe is the most profound loss – the death of a child. While the “children” ranged in age from 20 to 50, the loss of any child is a heartbreaking experience like no other. Losing a child is unnatural, disrupts the order of life, and is a loss of innocence. Parental grief is different from other loses – it is more intense and a long, sad journey that many experts in the field say never end. Grieving parents find ways to get through, not over their loss. The significance of this profoundly life-changing experience causes me to reflect on the extraordinary depth and breadth of the bond between parent and child.

Becoming a parent is one of life’s most amazing events. Children are precious symbols of the future and there is a unique and complex relationship between parents and children. Journalist, Debbye Bell describes herself becoming a mother as “I was not prepared in the least for the kind of rapturous, over-powering, all-consuming, feel-it-in-my-bones love that I have for my precious little girl”. When one becomes a parent there are significant psychological changes and adaptations. For most there is an experience of profound love that knows no limitations.

The connection between a parent and child is such a powerful love that death does not end it. Once you are a parent, the love for your child never ends. Even when a child dies, parental love survives. Researchers, Arnold and Gemma, 1994 write: “There is no relationship like that of parent and child. It is unique and special…The bond between parent and child is so powerful that its strength endures time, distance, and strife. No loss is as significant as the loss of a child…On the death of a child, a parent feels less than whole.” Letting go of and saying good-bye to a loved child may be truly impossible but one can survive this loss.

Becoming a parent changes much of the very normal “self” focus that is natural to humans. One of the miracles of parenting is that giving your child what they need becomes more important than getting what you want. Even most people that before becoming a parent had a self-centered life will put a loved child first. Would Disney World exist if this were not true?

The experience of worry and concern for another change when one becomes a parent. The worries change as a child grows and matures; but the paternal focus on the physical health, happiness, and future of one’s child is a natural preoccupation of parents. The very thought of anything bad happening to a loved child can be terrifying.

It is a parental challenge to balance the fear of pain or harm for a child with the realistic acceptance that a child cannot be shielded from bad things. All children will have difficulties and struggles. Good parenting provides enough freedom for a child to take reasonable risks, have challenges, and live a full independent life. The terror of tragedy involving a loved child has to be tempered with the realization that no parent can (or should) completely protect a child.

If you are a parent, love and cherish your child. Strive to keep them safe and happy but accept the limits of the power to keep them from harm. If you have lost a child, be kind, generous and patient with yourself as you struggle to survive a long, lonely and painful journey.

Thought for today!

"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style."

~Maya Angelou

Some Secrets to Staying Motivated

No matter what the goal, the keys to success is getting and staying motivated. Tamara Lowe, a consultant who has studied human achievement for more than 20 years has recently released her book Get Motivated! which indentified three motivational categories, each with descriptions of two contrasting types. An understanding of these concepts can help determine what drives, what is needed to be motivated, and what rewards are effective. With this understanding, getting and maintaining motivation can be improved.

The initial question to consider is “What drives you”. If your answer is competition and deadlines, you are most likely a Producer. The Producer is the classic “Type A” and has self-discipline, is competitive, and decisive. What the Producer needs when motivation is slipping is to turn the goal into a game (break a record) or a competition. If “What drives you” is collaboration, teamwork and relationships, you are more likely a Connector. Connectors put relationships first and are loyal, supportive and team players. They find personal satisfaction in making others happy and the primary challenges to staying motivated are with conflict and isolation. What is needed to maintain motivation is sustenance of relationship with others who struggle with, or has achieved a similar goal. A connector who has a goal of weight loss thrives in settings that offer group support such as Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. A producer with the same goal would be attracted to compete on television’s The Biggest Loser.

Lowe’s second question for consideration is “What do you need to feel fulfilled?” If order, predictability and routine are needed, you are likely a Stabilizer. The Stabilizer is practical, careful, avoids analysis, and sometimes resistant to change. When motivation is challenged, a stabilizer needs to establish set rules to minimize distractions, to identify the incremental steps involved in achievement of the goal and to allow appropriate deadlines for completion and avoid negative feedback or criticism. However, if “What you need to feel fulfilled?” is adventure and new ideas, you are a Variable. Variables thrive on new experiences and novelty and find change is energizing. Relaxed schedules are ideal, surprise is welcome, and they are skilled at finding creative solutions; but variables can be impulsive and find themselves off task. When Variables find motivation slipping, it is necessary to discard rigid schedules and rules and consider alternative approaches to goal achievement and add elements of fun to the process.

The third question to consider is “What inspires you to do your best?” If your answer is appreciation and the sense of contribution, you’re an Internal. Those with an internal reward system find satisfaction from meaningful work and need to feel good about what they are doing. Internals maintain motivation with positive feedback and worthwhile goals. If the motivation slips it is necessary to reconnect with the mission and find ways to be reminded of “the big picture”. It is also necessary to nourish inner resources. This can be accomplished by journaling to refocus on the importance of the goal and by establishing good self-care skills to maintain a sense of balance. Alternatively if the response to “What inspires you to do your best?” is more tangible benefits such as recognition or salary, you are more likely an External. Externals are success –oriented and use tangible assets to measure success. They can maintain motivation by celebrating achievements with incremental rewards (a new dress with a 10 pound weight loss – rather than when the goal weight is achieved). Also acknowledging at least one way that each action is a step closer to the ultimate goal is helpful with motivation and it is important to regularly review your successes and achievements to inspire you to further aspirations.

No matter what your goal- - - better relationships, weight loss or a business achievement, by finding your individual style in what drives you, what fulfills you, and what inspires you, you can be more successful in maintaining motivation to meet your objective.