Congratulations to the Class of 2011!!

Graduation from high school will be celebrated in May and many families will experience the rush of emotions that accompany this special time. In Georgia alone, thousands of seniors will be leaving high school to begin their next adventure. Some will start college and will experience life away from home for the first time, while others will begin full-time employment and all the responsibilities that come with adult independence. This is a joyous, emotional, and tense time for both the students and their families.

At this milestone it is important for graduates to express gratitude to the special people who have shaped their life. Parents and family members are crucial with their love and support, but the list of important influences most assuredly goes beyond family. Every high school graduate owes some level of thanks to special friends, teachers, coaches, and religious leaders who provided patience, encouragement, empathy and inspiration. Graduates are advised to express their appreciation to these special people.

It is predictable for new graduates to feel anxiety. There can be fears about success in the next phase of life. Many graduates will be leaving the familiarity of home, family and friends and moving from a secure sense of who you are and what you can do into unknown worlds. The adult work life and college life is unlike high school.

Opening up to friends and family about fears can help calm and reassure. Trust that your friends are experiencing similar concerns and bottling up fears will only intensify the power of the anxiety. Life transitions come with apprehensions and doubts. Leaving a familiar high school where you are known and accepted to “unknown territories” is not an easy task. It is important and helpful to express your feelings.

Life after high school is different. For many years students are encouraged to remain compliant and docile and high school students have very little voice in decisions about their activities. As graduates you must take control of life. College students make decisions about attending class, how much sleep is needed, and when and what to eat. College students decide for themselves want they want to learn and when they want to learn it. While all of these decisions carry consequences, the responsibility is with each individual not with a parent, a teacher, or an administrative official. The freedom can be either a blessing or a curse – depending on whether you accept it with maturity and grace …or abuse it.

Additionally it is important to develop a strategy for yourself on how you want to manage your future. Develop clarity on your personal values so you have clear boundaries to help face the many temptations that will come with the increase in freedom and responsibility.

I discovered a graduation address by Paul Graham who offered the following advice; “There’s no switch inside of you that magically flips when you turn a certain age or graduate from some institution. You start being an adult when you decide to take responsibility for your life. You can do that at any age.” Mr. Graham also very wisely encouraged graduates not to feel a sense of panic if they have uncertainties about what to do with the rest of their life. He advised not to push to be in a rush to definitively choose a life work but to focus on the discovery what is important and enjoyable. “You have to work on stuff you like if you want to be good at what you do.”

Congratulations to the Class of 2011 –
NOW - - GO HAVE YOUR NEXT ADVENTURE!!

Thought for today - - -

If a man insisted always on being serious and never allowed himself a bit of fun and relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing it.
~Herodotus (c. 485-425 B.C.)

In between all that you "have to" and "need to" accomplish today - - remember to have some fun and make today joyful!

Are You a Member of the Sandwich Generation?

If you are among the large and growing number of adults squeezed between the needs of an aging parent, relative or friend; and the demands of children, spouses and careers; you are a member of the Sandwich Generation – and you are not alone. Surveys estimate 22.4 million U.S. households – nearly one in four – now are providing some form of elder care. Baby boomers (those born between 1946 and 1965) are likely to spend more years caring for a parent than raising children; and for the first time in history, many families have more parents to care for than children to raise.

Fortunately, family ties are strong and studies show that most adult children feel very close to their parents. It is this love and a sense of responsibility that compels us to care for those who once cared for us. While we accept the responsibility for elder care, there is a multitude of issues and concerns associated with the Sandwich Generation and its conflicting care giving demands.

Today, most people live into their seventies and eighties, and many live into their nineties. Just as toddlers and teenagers cause certain kinds of family crises, so do aging and ill parents. Elders face unique challenges and concerns. As people age they may need help with anything from finances to driving. Elders move from the “young-old” stage where reasonable good health is enjoyed and basic needs can be independently met, to the “old-old” stage with serious illness where the need for help is critical. At times assistance with household tasks, transportation and shopping allows elders to live independently. However, as the needs progress due to illness or frailty, the care giving tasks become more demanding.

The greatest challenge for many elders is learning to accept vulnerability and ask for help. Mary Pipher, Ph.D. suggests in her powerful book: Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders, it is helpful to view life as a time line. She writes: “we realize that all of us are sometimes more and sometimes less dependent on others. At certain stages we are caretakers, and at other stages we are cared for. Neither state is superior to the other. Neither implies pathology or weakness. Both are just the result of life having seasons and circumstances. In fact, good mental health is not a matter of dependent or independent, but of being able to accept the stage one is in with grace and dignity. It’s an awareness of being, over the course of one’s lifetime, continually interdependent.”

There are wonderful benefits to intergenerational family experiences. Caring for parents often means that children have more time with grandparents, which is good for children at any age but especially important for teenagers. Grandparents tend to be wiser and kinder than adolescent peers. They are less busy than parents. When children assist and participate in the lives of elders they have an opportunity to appreciate the value of being truly helpful and grow in their understanding of other generations.

Members of the Sandwich Generation need practical help balancing family obligations. Too many caregivers think they are failures if they don’t successfully keep all needs met. It’s not realistic to think one person can know or do everything. Take advantage of outside services, allow yourself a break from continual care, and enlist the support of family and friends. Most communities offer a variety of helpful resources that provide everything from day care for the elderly to opportunities for socialization and enjoyable activities.

Assisting in the care of elder parents while still raising children is a rewarding, important, but daunting task. It is most helpful to define this care as a family shared joyful responsibility where each generation has its own gifts to share with the other generations.

Anxiety Disorders

It is completely normal to worry or feel stressed when life gets frantic or difficult. Anxiety is a normal reaction to stress and an expected and normal part of life. However, when anxiety becomes excessive it becomes a disturbing and disabling disorder. Problem anxiety interferes with the ability to sleep or function in daily life. Anxiety disorders are mental health conditions that include excessive amounts of nervousness, fear, worry, or dread. Anxiety disorders are the most common psychological difficulty that affect over 40 million adults in the United States. Anxiety disorders are highly treatable, yet only about one-third of those suffering receive treatment. Additionally anxiety, very often, will co-exist with depression.

Anxiety disorders may be caused by environmental factors from life changes, stress and tension; medical factors, genetics, brain chemistry, substance abuse, or a combination of these.


There are different types of anxiety disorders, with different symptoms.

• Generalized anxiety disorders (GAD) involves long standing excessive worry about nonspecific areas of life. GAD sufferers often feel afraid and worry about health, finances, family, work or potential misfortunes. The fear is usually unrealistic and there is sense that the worst will happen.

• Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder characterized by thoughts or actions that are repetitive, distressing, and intrusive. OCD suffers usually know that their compulsions are unreasonable or irrational, but they serve to alleviate their anxiety. negative ruminative thoughts and the use of certain behaviors to relieve the feelings of anxiety and fear. Other disorders that are thought to be related to OCD include trichotillomania (compulsive hair pulling), and compulsive shoplifting.

• Panic Disorder (with or without agoraphobia) involves intense and sudden periods of fear or even terror. There is typically an abrupt onset that involves physical symptoms such as racing heart rate, difficulty breathing, shaking, chest pain, hot flashes or chilling and an intense sense of fear. Panic attacks are not dangerous, but they can be terrifying. Agoraphobia describes a severe anxiety about being in a situation where panic may occur.

• Phobias are intense fears and avoidance of situations (flying in a plane, driving on the express way) or of things (bugs, heights). Phobias typically cause people to avoid the things they are afraid of.

• Social phobias are social anxiety where there is extreme levels of discomfort in social interations. The fear is typically about a fear of being negatively judged by others or a fear of public embarrassment or humiliations.

• Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder resulting from a past trauma (such as military combat, rape, a serious accident or other extreme experience). Symptoms include flashbacks, nightmares, or extreme fear.

Avoiding situations that make you anxious might help you feel better in the short term. However the relief is only temporary and usually concerns that the anxiety will return becomes problematic. Every time something is avoided, it becomes harder to face it and gradually more and more situations are avoided.

There are a variety of behavioral actions and techniques that are helpful with anxiety. Learning how to manage stress in life and not over committing is important. Looking after physical health is important. Eat healthy meals, get regular exercise, and get enough sleep. Relaxation, meditation, and breathing exercises really do help.

However, when an anxiety disorder is significantly interfering with life, professional assistance is important. Medication treatments of anxiety used in conjunction with therapy is very helpful in the treatment of anxiety disorders. Medications are commonly prescribed by physicians (family practice, OB-GYNs, or psychiatrists). Psychotherapy or counseling is helpful by exploring the root causes of the anxiety, and by developing a systematic treatment plan to challenge the irrational belief systems that develop with anxiety. Most people who seek treatment experience significant improvement and improved quality of life.

Good Marriages are Created - - - Not Found

February is traditionally recognized as a month to remember love and relationships. Marriage is one of the most pivotal and significant relationships any of us will experience. During this Valentine season it is especially important and helpful to reflect on what qualities, behaviors, and attitudes predict satisfaction and happiness in a marriage.

During my clinical training (over 25 years ago) I was taught the importance of communication in marital happiness. For many years therapists predominately focused on assisting couples to express themselves and listen to their partners. While the skills involved in open and effective communication are important in any relationship, research has shown how much more there is to a happy marriage.

Dr. John Gottman a clinical psychologist and foremost researcher in the area of couple relationships, has studied many hundreds of couples since 1980. Dr. Gottman’s research has identified not only predictors of divorce but also has identified 7 behaviors that predict a mutually satisfying marriage.

A strong friendship is the foundation of a good marriage. A relationship where one feels known (preferences, dreams, goals) and where fondness and admiration are expressed to each other are the first two predictors of a stable marriage. The third important behavior identified by research is an inclination and effort to turn toward and approach your spouse rather than turn away. Expressing genuine interest in each other’s daily activities is important. Also essential is a focus and intention to look for the good in each other rather than to focus on negatives.

Conflicts are inevitable in any relationship and research has shown that the ability to resolve solvable problems is predictive of a stable marriage. However, some conflicts cannot be resolved by reaching agreement (different views on religion, sex or political issues; some parenting attitudes; basic attitudes about money). When agreement cannot be achieved, the goal should be to find a way to respectfully express and listen to each view without getting stuck with the goal of convincing your spouse of the “rightness” of your view. Not only is this disrespectful, it will lead to gridlock in the relationship.

Unsolvable (or perpetual) issues are difficult but once each partner respectfully understands the view of their spouse, it is important to know when to “drop it and move on”. Continuing to focus on and rehash the same points will often lead the couple to power struggles and destructive communication behaviors including criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Focus on ways to compromise to find the middle ground. Be open to a willingness to be influenced by your partner and to “see their side” of an issue.

It is important that couples create a sense of “we-ness” with shared meaning in cultural, philosophical, and spiritual ideas. While your spouse needn’t be your clone – (how boring would that be?) -- sharing important life dreams and goals is bonding in a marriage.

It is valuable to spend time with your spouse to discuss your day and your feelings. Make a daily commitment to express things you appreciate about your spouse - - look for the positive things you can recognize – they are there but often in marriage we neglect looking for or expressing gratitude. Take the time for physical expressions of affection (sexual and nonsexual) to keep that part of your relationship alive.

Good marriages do not “just happen” but are always the result of deep desire and genuine effort. With commitment and energy you can create the relationship you want.

Mother - Daughter Relationships

No relationship is quite as primal as the one between a mother and daughter. Lee Sharkey, Ph.D., a professor of Women’s Studies who teaches a college course on mother-daughter relationships, writes “Women grow up and our energy is largely turned toward men, but the original love relationship is with a mother. If we as daughters don’t acknowledge that, we’re closing ourselves off from a great source of power and fulfillment and understanding of ourselves.”

Our culture tends to romanticize or demonize mothers. Statements such as: “Everything I ever accomplished I owe to my mother” and “Every problem I have in my life is my mother’s fault” greatly simplify this unique and complex relationship. Mothers and daughters find in each other potential for great comfort but also great conflict.

Mother-daughter bonding starts at an early age and experiences significant transitions. When a daughter is five, mom is a goddess; when daughters are about twelve, mothers morph into the most ignorant, out-of touch creature on the planet that should be avoided at all cost; and when daughters are in their 20’s or 30’s mothers can become a best friend again.

However, mothers and adult daughters aren’t always best friends. Laura Tracey, Ph.D., a family therapist who specializes in counseling mother-daughter pairs asserts that difficulties emerge from one very basic question: “Will the mother accept the daughter as an adult?” The questions of “Do you see me for who I am? And is who I am okay?” are ones of depth. Truly accepting a daughter as her own woman is essential to the enjoyment and health of a mother-daughter relationship.

When children are small mothers have the enormous responsibility of guiding and teaching. When children grow up, it’s sometimes difficult to just STOP. An important part of parenting is letting go and the best gift a mother can give a daughter – and, as she becomes an adult, that a daughter can give her mother – is permission to be herself. When you are a mother to an adult daughter it is an opportunity to show her your love and not focus on approval of how the daughter is living her life. Acceptance of yourself and each other becomes the key to developing and healing this relationship.

However, knowing and accepting who you are is not always easy – especially for adolescent girls. SuEllen Hamkins and Renee Schultz have co-authored a book titled “The Mother-Daughter Project: How Mothers and Daughters Can Band Together, Beat the Odds and Thrive Through Adolescence.” They have found that girls who can talk to their mothers and receive support for the hard things they face – from friendships to eating disorders to depression to sexuality – navigate these challenges better.

Psychologist and author Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. interviewed hundreds of high school girls and summarized their perceptions:

 Their mothers are too busy for them or, too focused on them.
 Their mothers are too intense or too distant.
 Their mothers are too strict and rigid or too much like a friend.
 Their mothers don’t tell them enough or tell them too much.
 Their mothers don’t expect enough or their love is too conditional.
 Their mothers don’t empathize or, the daughter itches and the mother scratches.

From this listing the importance of finding the middle ground in mothering is obvious. Balance is essential. Ask your daughter “If you were a mom, what would you do the same as me? What would you do differently? Whether your daughter is seven or seventeen, you may learn something interesting.

Almost all daughters feel disappointed with their mothers at some point. The construct of a perfect mother, perfect daughter, is not real, and not possible. Even with this reality, researcher Karen Fingerman, Ph.D., found that the mother-daughter bond is so strong that 80 to 90% of women at midlife report good relationships with their mothers – though they wish it were better. Within every mother-daughter relationship there is potential for growth.

Merry Christmas to All

As Christmas Day quickly approaches I want to extend my best wishes for a blessed and joyous time. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally, enjoy being with those you love, and remember to reflect on your blessings. Whatever your faith or traditions, enjoy this special time of year.