Communication is a critical skill in almost everything we do. Expressing our thoughts, feelings, and needs in clear, assertive ways and being able to understand these messages from others is critical for good relationships. Research on marriage confirms this importance, and good communication skills with children are essential in effective parenting. Additionally, in a 2009 survey of recruiters from companies with more than 50,000 employees, communication skills were cited as the single most important decisive factor in choosing managers.
Communication is only successful when both the sender and the receiver have a shared comprehension of information. Unfortunately, all too often there are “misses” where things are not clearly understood. However, there are specific techniques and skills that can improve communication and reduce misunderstandings.
Use of “I” statements helps with clearer communication. First ask yourself: “What are you seeing, hearing or sensing?” “What emotions are you feeling?” “What do you want?”.
It is far more effective to begin a discussion with: “When I came home and saw dinner had not been started, I felt disappointed and overwhelmed. I want to ask you to help me get this started so we can eat soon.”; rather than “ You never do anything to help around here – everything gets left up to me and I’m sick of it.”
It’s easy to see how the use of “I” statements has a better chance of being heard and possibly even agreed with than the “You” statements that tend to put others on the defensive. When people are defensive, their capacity to listen goes down.
Also helpful is to start important conversations with an invitation. Beginning with something like: “I would like to talk with you about.….. is this a good time?” asks for full engagement and focus. If someone is overwhelmed, angry, tired or emotionally unavailable for any reason, it is simply not a good time to have an important conversation.
Avoid complaints and criticisms, and express specific requests: “it would help me to …” “if you would….”. Ask for action-oriented, positive solutions rather than berating with angry expressions of frustrations. Ask for what you want and learn to negotiate.
In addition to expressing ourselves clearly and completely, listening well is one of the most important skills in effective communication. Unfortunately, research has found that we remember only 25-50% of what we hear. That means 50-75% of what is told to us by our spouses, children, friends, coworkers, and supervisors is never received. Undoubtedly listening is an important skill to develop.
One approach to improve listening is to practice “active listening”. There are five key elements.
Pay attention. Give your undivided attention by putting aside distracting thoughts. Be aware of body language and resist the temptation to be preparing your response.
Show you are listening. A smile or a nod or verbal comments like yes, and uh huh convey interest.
Provide feedback. Reflecting back your understanding of what is being said or asking for clarifications can be important
Defer judgment. Allow the speaker to finish without interruptions or counter-arguments.
Respond Appropriately. Be open and honest in your response but respond respectfully.
It takes a lot of concentration and focus to be an active listener. Old habits are hard to break. The goal is to truly hear what others are saying.
Working on improving communication skills is valuable in all interactions. Positive change in ways of expressing and listening will improve the quality of daily conversations and can significantly enhance the ability to work through more difficult conflictual exchanges.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Is Procrastination Getting in Your Way?
Procrastination is a complex behavioral and psychological issue that affects everyone to some degree. While for some it can be a minor irritation; for others it can be source of considerable difficulty – causing stress and anxiety. Procrastinators sabotage themselves and often are less effective and successful than they could be. Researchers have identified that twenty percent of people define themselves as chronic procrastinators where the habit of putting tasks off to the last possible minute is a maladaptive lifestyle that impacts personal and professional areas of life.
The causes of procrastination can be psychological. When procrastination is a persistent and debilitating disorder there may actually be an underlying psychological issue such as Depression or Attention Deficit Disorder. These underlying mental health issues can be treated with medication and/or therapy and professional assistance should be sought.
However, for most, procrastination is a behavior problem which impacts some but not all areas of life. A main reason people find it difficult to work on a particular goal is that they don’t enjoy the tasks involved in achieving the goal. There is a sense of dread and avoidance associated with difficult, unpleasant, and/or complex tasks. To help with this issue it is important to balance tasks with rewards. Guarantee the fun parts of your life first, and then schedule your work around them. The most successful among us are those who live balanced lives. Additionally, it is important to break down complex tasks into realistic manageable goals. Some tasks are overwhelming when examined in totality but easily conquered when seen as a series of smaller steps.
Perfectionism is often associated with procrastination. Most procrastinators do not think of themselves as perfectionists but the extremely critical spirit of the perfectionist can be paralyzing. Believing that you must do something perfectly is a recipe for stress and will likely prevent you from getting started on important tasks. Work to replace perfectionism with permission to be imperfectly human.
Procrastination becomes less likely on tasks that you openly and freely choose to undertake. When the goals are set and evaluated by others – particularly others in authority - procrastination can serve as a form of rebellion. This is very often seen in students with rigid and demanding teachers or parents.
One of the things that perpetuate procrastination is positive reinforcement (reward) when things are delayed. When a looming task is thrown together at the last moment and the result is accepted or even praised by others, the procrastinator may convince themselves of statements such as: “I work best under pressure” or “I had to be ready – and when I was – I got it done”. These “lies” will make it easier to accept the anxiety and stress when the next episode of procrastination occurs. It is unlikely that goals accomplished with great pain and anxiety couldn’t be met more effectively using successful time management skills.
Three basic types of procrastinators have been identified by psychologist, Dr. Joseph Ferrari:
** Arousal types, or thrill seekers, who wait to the last minute for the euphoric rush.
** Avoiders, who may be avoiding fear of failure or even fear of success. Concerned with what others think of them; they would rather have others think they lack effort than ability.
** Decisional procrastinators, who cannot make a decision. Not making a decision absolves procrastinators of responsibility for the outcome of events.
If you identify yourself as a procrastinator with negative consequences on your life, it may be helpful to work to find a more comfortable work style with less stress and frenzy.
The causes of procrastination can be psychological. When procrastination is a persistent and debilitating disorder there may actually be an underlying psychological issue such as Depression or Attention Deficit Disorder. These underlying mental health issues can be treated with medication and/or therapy and professional assistance should be sought.
However, for most, procrastination is a behavior problem which impacts some but not all areas of life. A main reason people find it difficult to work on a particular goal is that they don’t enjoy the tasks involved in achieving the goal. There is a sense of dread and avoidance associated with difficult, unpleasant, and/or complex tasks. To help with this issue it is important to balance tasks with rewards. Guarantee the fun parts of your life first, and then schedule your work around them. The most successful among us are those who live balanced lives. Additionally, it is important to break down complex tasks into realistic manageable goals. Some tasks are overwhelming when examined in totality but easily conquered when seen as a series of smaller steps.
Perfectionism is often associated with procrastination. Most procrastinators do not think of themselves as perfectionists but the extremely critical spirit of the perfectionist can be paralyzing. Believing that you must do something perfectly is a recipe for stress and will likely prevent you from getting started on important tasks. Work to replace perfectionism with permission to be imperfectly human.
Procrastination becomes less likely on tasks that you openly and freely choose to undertake. When the goals are set and evaluated by others – particularly others in authority - procrastination can serve as a form of rebellion. This is very often seen in students with rigid and demanding teachers or parents.
One of the things that perpetuate procrastination is positive reinforcement (reward) when things are delayed. When a looming task is thrown together at the last moment and the result is accepted or even praised by others, the procrastinator may convince themselves of statements such as: “I work best under pressure” or “I had to be ready – and when I was – I got it done”. These “lies” will make it easier to accept the anxiety and stress when the next episode of procrastination occurs. It is unlikely that goals accomplished with great pain and anxiety couldn’t be met more effectively using successful time management skills.
Three basic types of procrastinators have been identified by psychologist, Dr. Joseph Ferrari:
** Arousal types, or thrill seekers, who wait to the last minute for the euphoric rush.
** Avoiders, who may be avoiding fear of failure or even fear of success. Concerned with what others think of them; they would rather have others think they lack effort than ability.
** Decisional procrastinators, who cannot make a decision. Not making a decision absolves procrastinators of responsibility for the outcome of events.
If you identify yourself as a procrastinator with negative consequences on your life, it may be helpful to work to find a more comfortable work style with less stress and frenzy.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
They're Baaaack - When the Empty Nest Refills!!
Congratulations to the college graduating class of 2010. College graduation is an exciting time of transition and new beginnings. However, not everything is new! For many, the first step is a move back home with mom and dad.
CollegeGrad.com is the foremost job site for entry-level positions and conducts an annual online survey of new college graduates. The trend is clear - college grads are increasingly moving home after graduation. Last year, 80% of the graduating class of college kids moved back home with their parents, up from 77% in 2008, 73% in 2007, and 67% in 2006. The class of 2010 will no doubt follow this pattern.
These young adults aren’t generally spoiled “slackers” and there are several factors contributing to this trend. The economy is very unfriendly for job seekers at any level and college graduates are competing for employment with more experienced and seasoned applicants. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, in October 2009, unemployment of 20 to 24 year olds was at 15.6%, compared to 8.7% for people over 25. Additionally, there is a huge gap today in what an entry level job – assuming you can find one – pays and what it costs to live.
Another factor identified is that students born in the 1980’s and 1990’s tend to have closer ties with their parents, and feel no stigma to moving back home after graduation. Aaron Krasnow, a counselor at a major university, discusses this trend. He states that in “previous generations, parents thought they were helping their children become independent by pushing them out the door – but boomer parents are more likely to welcome that their children stay home longer.” He further states, “generally speaking, this generation of parents is closer to their kids than any before them.”
Parents of past generations grew up in an era where after finishing your education; you got a job, moved out, got married and had kids - - in that order. Today there is simply not the same consistent blueprint. Today’s young adults typically do not marry immediately after school and may wait years before starting a family. The traditional path to adult life is simply not uniformly followed by this generation.
Parents who welcome back their adult children should keep in mind that their children deserve to be treated with respect, and should not be treated like small children who still need to be guided about how to eat or dress, when to go to bed and how late to stay out at night.
It is easy to slip back into old roles, but it’s not healthy for anyone. When an adult child moves back home parents are still entitled to enjoy freedom, time together as a couple, and a quiet, peaceful home. Your grown child is entitled to be treated as an adult, a role that includes freedoms and responsibilities.
Studies show that the return to the nest can be positive when there is an honest and open discussion about expectations. Laying down ground rules about the sharing of household chores (making dinner, doing laundry, food shopping, or running household errands)-either in place of or in addition to any rent; financial issues; and time limits for the arrangement is crucial. Having children return to the nest can be a wonderful time of family closeness but only if there is a clear understanding of expectations.
The transition for both parents and adult children can be very difficult. Expect bumps and address any issues before resentments develop. With mutual respect and acceptance, parents and their young adult children can establish boundaries as they transition through the next season of life.
CollegeGrad.com is the foremost job site for entry-level positions and conducts an annual online survey of new college graduates. The trend is clear - college grads are increasingly moving home after graduation. Last year, 80% of the graduating class of college kids moved back home with their parents, up from 77% in 2008, 73% in 2007, and 67% in 2006. The class of 2010 will no doubt follow this pattern.
These young adults aren’t generally spoiled “slackers” and there are several factors contributing to this trend. The economy is very unfriendly for job seekers at any level and college graduates are competing for employment with more experienced and seasoned applicants. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, in October 2009, unemployment of 20 to 24 year olds was at 15.6%, compared to 8.7% for people over 25. Additionally, there is a huge gap today in what an entry level job – assuming you can find one – pays and what it costs to live.
Another factor identified is that students born in the 1980’s and 1990’s tend to have closer ties with their parents, and feel no stigma to moving back home after graduation. Aaron Krasnow, a counselor at a major university, discusses this trend. He states that in “previous generations, parents thought they were helping their children become independent by pushing them out the door – but boomer parents are more likely to welcome that their children stay home longer.” He further states, “generally speaking, this generation of parents is closer to their kids than any before them.”
Parents of past generations grew up in an era where after finishing your education; you got a job, moved out, got married and had kids - - in that order. Today there is simply not the same consistent blueprint. Today’s young adults typically do not marry immediately after school and may wait years before starting a family. The traditional path to adult life is simply not uniformly followed by this generation.
Parents who welcome back their adult children should keep in mind that their children deserve to be treated with respect, and should not be treated like small children who still need to be guided about how to eat or dress, when to go to bed and how late to stay out at night.
It is easy to slip back into old roles, but it’s not healthy for anyone. When an adult child moves back home parents are still entitled to enjoy freedom, time together as a couple, and a quiet, peaceful home. Your grown child is entitled to be treated as an adult, a role that includes freedoms and responsibilities.
Studies show that the return to the nest can be positive when there is an honest and open discussion about expectations. Laying down ground rules about the sharing of household chores (making dinner, doing laundry, food shopping, or running household errands)-either in place of or in addition to any rent; financial issues; and time limits for the arrangement is crucial. Having children return to the nest can be a wonderful time of family closeness but only if there is a clear understanding of expectations.
The transition for both parents and adult children can be very difficult. Expect bumps and address any issues before resentments develop. With mutual respect and acceptance, parents and their young adult children can establish boundaries as they transition through the next season of life.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
The Power of Living with Authenticity
The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere.
Anne Morrow Lindbergh
If you are old enough you may remember the expression of being or keeping it real which was extremely popular in years past. More recently the idea of authenticity has caught our attention to express the goal of living a life where inner needs, desires, and values are understood and honored in life choices. Authenticity involves taking ownership for your life (your decisions, actions, behaviors, its quality, and the results) and living with complete congruity with values and principles.
Young children have no trouble being authentic. However, at some critical point children learn that in order to get along in the world adaptations are necessary and the focus shifts to pleasing others …. parents, friends, teachers…..then eventually to bosses and spouses. Children are “socialized” to learn to play by others rules and that sometimes opinions should be withheld, elders should be listened to, and to deny what is seen and heard. While some of this process is important and necessary – children do need to learn to understand the feelings and expectations of others; when the idea of being your own person and living a life with honesty and integrity is neglected and replaced with the singular goal of approval from others, we are less likely to find a sense of inner peace …the kind that accompanies authentic living. Additionally, people-pleasing, dysfunctional relationships where trying to live life based exclusively on what others think or want, rather than based on our own preferences and choices inevitably creates anxiety and unhappiness.
Authenticity involves a sense of self awareness where there is knowledge of and trust in one’s own motives, emotions, preferences, and abilities. Living an inauthentic life is often experienced as vague dissatisfaction or even depression, a sense of emptiness, or self-betrayal.
Ann Ronan Ph.D. offers the following top ten tips for living authentically:
• Know your purpose - your unique life goals
• Know your values – do your goals match up with your values?
• Know your needs – take care of yourself
• Know your passions – honor what makes your heart sing
• Live from the inside out – listen to your inner voice
• Honor our strengths – identify your unique gifts
• Take time to play – recharge by doing what you love
• Be aware of your self-talk- are you supportive, positive with yourself or condemning and negative? Focus on positive affirmations
• Surround yourself with inspiration
• Serve others – when you are true to yourself and living your purpose, you will share your talents with the world around you
Whether using meditation, journaling, or simply a routine quiet time for reflection; it is important to make time on a regular basis for self-awareness to tune in to who you are, what you want, and what is best for you. Living authentically also requires the courage to face personal truths. That truth might be how you really feel about yourself, the fears that are blocking your life, what habits perpetuate the life you have, or what dreams you have suppressed or neglected.
When you create a life where the decisions you make and the actions you take are considered, deliberate, and in harmony with what it important to you, you are living an authentic life – a life that you know in your heart is right for you. When you have this level of peace you are more likely to respond to difficulties with effective coping strategies and are more effective in meeting goals. Additionally, there is a more creative approach to living, rather than reliance on fear, routine and habit.
Anne Morrow Lindbergh
If you are old enough you may remember the expression of being or keeping it real which was extremely popular in years past. More recently the idea of authenticity has caught our attention to express the goal of living a life where inner needs, desires, and values are understood and honored in life choices. Authenticity involves taking ownership for your life (your decisions, actions, behaviors, its quality, and the results) and living with complete congruity with values and principles.
Young children have no trouble being authentic. However, at some critical point children learn that in order to get along in the world adaptations are necessary and the focus shifts to pleasing others …. parents, friends, teachers…..then eventually to bosses and spouses. Children are “socialized” to learn to play by others rules and that sometimes opinions should be withheld, elders should be listened to, and to deny what is seen and heard. While some of this process is important and necessary – children do need to learn to understand the feelings and expectations of others; when the idea of being your own person and living a life with honesty and integrity is neglected and replaced with the singular goal of approval from others, we are less likely to find a sense of inner peace …the kind that accompanies authentic living. Additionally, people-pleasing, dysfunctional relationships where trying to live life based exclusively on what others think or want, rather than based on our own preferences and choices inevitably creates anxiety and unhappiness.
Authenticity involves a sense of self awareness where there is knowledge of and trust in one’s own motives, emotions, preferences, and abilities. Living an inauthentic life is often experienced as vague dissatisfaction or even depression, a sense of emptiness, or self-betrayal.
Ann Ronan Ph.D. offers the following top ten tips for living authentically:
• Know your purpose - your unique life goals
• Know your values – do your goals match up with your values?
• Know your needs – take care of yourself
• Know your passions – honor what makes your heart sing
• Live from the inside out – listen to your inner voice
• Honor our strengths – identify your unique gifts
• Take time to play – recharge by doing what you love
• Be aware of your self-talk- are you supportive, positive with yourself or condemning and negative? Focus on positive affirmations
• Surround yourself with inspiration
• Serve others – when you are true to yourself and living your purpose, you will share your talents with the world around you
Whether using meditation, journaling, or simply a routine quiet time for reflection; it is important to make time on a regular basis for self-awareness to tune in to who you are, what you want, and what is best for you. Living authentically also requires the courage to face personal truths. That truth might be how you really feel about yourself, the fears that are blocking your life, what habits perpetuate the life you have, or what dreams you have suppressed or neglected.
When you create a life where the decisions you make and the actions you take are considered, deliberate, and in harmony with what it important to you, you are living an authentic life – a life that you know in your heart is right for you. When you have this level of peace you are more likely to respond to difficulties with effective coping strategies and are more effective in meeting goals. Additionally, there is a more creative approach to living, rather than reliance on fear, routine and habit.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
The Extraordinary Importance of Fathers
During this season we celebrate holidays to honor mothers and fathers. While no one should dispute or diminish the importance and contributions of mothers, I want to focus on the often times neglected recognition of the influence of fathers on the lives of children and family.
A child’s relationship with a father impacts the development of specific skills and there is clear evidence showing that emotionally present and supportive fathers contribute meaningfully. The quality of contact with a father is a more significant predictor of a child’s later success or failure with school and friends than the mother-child interactions. Research shows that children with involved fathers are more confident and less anxious in unfamiliar settings, are better able to deal with frustration, better able to respond with flexibility to change and have a better sense of independence. Daughters with involved and emotionally available fathers are less likely to engage in sexually promiscuous behavior and are more likely to have healthy relationships as adults. Additionally children raised by involved fathers, are more likely to mature into compassionate adults and are more likely to have a positive self-esteem.
The role and importance of the dad begins during pregnancy. Husbands who participate in the preparation and birth experience are more likely to hold and comfort an infant. Dad’s who are involved in caring for a baby are also likely to continue involvement into childhood and teen years. It is important that new moms step back and let dad and baby have their time together. This growing relationship is important to the child’s later development.
Families need to create opportunities for fathers to engage meaningfully in their children’s lives. However, it can be a difficult challenge for men to maintain their involvement in the daily life and experiences of their children. Men are often the primary family breadwinners and may work extended hours that leave little time or energy left for family life. Psychologist Ronald Levent writes that a fathers’ impact on family life is “not only about providing for their families’ material needs. It’s about being there on a daily basis providing for the never-ending, ever-changing, day-to-day physical and emotional needs as well.” It is vital to the families’ emotional well-being that father find a healthy balance between work life and home life.
When there is a divorce between parents, it is essential for a father to stay involved in his child’s life. Children of divorce benefit when mothers and fathers continue to view parenting as a shared and collaborative venture. Unfortunately, divorced dads most often have progressively decreased contact with their children. Many factors contribute to this and some are outside the control of the father. No matter the reason, as a father’s contact with his children declines, so does his influence. This “dad” influence is critically important to children. Research supports what we all know - - children benefit from having supportive and loving relationships with both parents. Much of the negative impact of divorce on children can be avoided when parents are cooperative and work together in the raising of their children.
Participatory fatherhood is good for children, families and fathers themselves. There can be enormous joy in parenting and having a deep and intimate connection with children is a wonderful experience. Fathers who commit to this level of relationship with their children are greatly rewarded.
As we celebrate mothers and fathers on their special days, it is important to reflect on the extraordinary and unique contributions of both in the lives of children. When commenting on fathers, David Blankenhorn wrote: “Many people today believe that fathers are unnecessary. I believe the opposite. I pledge to live my life according the principal that every child deserves a father; that part of being a good man means being a good father; and that America needs more good men.”
A child’s relationship with a father impacts the development of specific skills and there is clear evidence showing that emotionally present and supportive fathers contribute meaningfully. The quality of contact with a father is a more significant predictor of a child’s later success or failure with school and friends than the mother-child interactions. Research shows that children with involved fathers are more confident and less anxious in unfamiliar settings, are better able to deal with frustration, better able to respond with flexibility to change and have a better sense of independence. Daughters with involved and emotionally available fathers are less likely to engage in sexually promiscuous behavior and are more likely to have healthy relationships as adults. Additionally children raised by involved fathers, are more likely to mature into compassionate adults and are more likely to have a positive self-esteem.
The role and importance of the dad begins during pregnancy. Husbands who participate in the preparation and birth experience are more likely to hold and comfort an infant. Dad’s who are involved in caring for a baby are also likely to continue involvement into childhood and teen years. It is important that new moms step back and let dad and baby have their time together. This growing relationship is important to the child’s later development.
Families need to create opportunities for fathers to engage meaningfully in their children’s lives. However, it can be a difficult challenge for men to maintain their involvement in the daily life and experiences of their children. Men are often the primary family breadwinners and may work extended hours that leave little time or energy left for family life. Psychologist Ronald Levent writes that a fathers’ impact on family life is “not only about providing for their families’ material needs. It’s about being there on a daily basis providing for the never-ending, ever-changing, day-to-day physical and emotional needs as well.” It is vital to the families’ emotional well-being that father find a healthy balance between work life and home life.
When there is a divorce between parents, it is essential for a father to stay involved in his child’s life. Children of divorce benefit when mothers and fathers continue to view parenting as a shared and collaborative venture. Unfortunately, divorced dads most often have progressively decreased contact with their children. Many factors contribute to this and some are outside the control of the father. No matter the reason, as a father’s contact with his children declines, so does his influence. This “dad” influence is critically important to children. Research supports what we all know - - children benefit from having supportive and loving relationships with both parents. Much of the negative impact of divorce on children can be avoided when parents are cooperative and work together in the raising of their children.
Participatory fatherhood is good for children, families and fathers themselves. There can be enormous joy in parenting and having a deep and intimate connection with children is a wonderful experience. Fathers who commit to this level of relationship with their children are greatly rewarded.
As we celebrate mothers and fathers on their special days, it is important to reflect on the extraordinary and unique contributions of both in the lives of children. When commenting on fathers, David Blankenhorn wrote: “Many people today believe that fathers are unnecessary. I believe the opposite. I pledge to live my life according the principal that every child deserves a father; that part of being a good man means being a good father; and that America needs more good men.”
Friday, May 21, 2010
The Importance of Appreciations in Marriage
It is easy to take people for granted. We don’t mean to do it, but often we fall into expecting our spouses to do what satisfies us. We stop saying please and thank you, we stop acknowledging how special our mate really is. We get so caught up in the daily routine that we don’t stop to feel and express appreciation.
One of the single most important attitudes in marriage is a pattern of looking for the good and positive in each other. The reality is that if one is looking for the good - - - - that is what will be seen. The converse is also true, if the negatives are the center of attention and focus, then that is what will be seen. One of the characteristics of a successful marriage is where the focus is on the good things that can be appreciated. Unfortunately, it can become easy to notice all that our spouse doesn’t do, while focusing on the positives may require a conscious decision. Criticism tears down a marriage, while appreciation builds up and strengthens a relationship.
Research on marriage conducted by Dr. John Gottman at the Family Research Lab at the University of Washington has found that happily married couples make five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship than negative ones. A good marriage has a positive attitude where affirmations and appreciations are expressed. Dr. Gottman advices couples to “cultivate a culture of appreciation” where there are many acts of fondness, admiration, gratitude and positive sentiment. A positive attitude enables a marriage to better cope with stress, conflict, disappointment, and other negative influences.
Appreciations can take different forms. Acknowledgement for what we do – both the little and the big things is important. Communicate to your spouse that you recognize their contributions that make life better. Affirmations is where a spouse is reminded how important they are and how deeply a connection and commitment is felt. Adoration where there is a genuine expression of admiration and affection, and is another important type of appreciation. It is easy to fall into the “they know how I feel” excuse. However, do any of us tire of being reminded of our importance and value to others? Another form of appreciation comes with Acceptance. None of us are perfect and none are married to perfect spouses. Acceptance is a true appreciation of differences without the intention to change our spouses to be more like us.
Appreciations are most effectively expressed when they are specific. A verbal expression of appreciation or “thank you” is sometimes all that is needed, but a written card or note, flowers, or an embrace can make the thought more special and effective.
The single best advice for a happy marital relationship is to “be the spouse you wish you were married to”. In my work over the past 25 years with hundreds of couples, I have found this simple guideline to be the most effective. Waiting for change from your partner before committing to personal effort is doomed to failure.
If you and your spouse feel stuck – get help! Most couples struggle unnecessarily for years before seeking help. While only 1% will contact a professional for assistance, many more will end their marriage or settle for a marriage that is unhappy. To learn more about what makes marriage work, read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Three Rivers Press, 2000) by John Gottman, Ph.D. This is an important resource for troubled marriages and for good marriages that want to be better. It is never too late to have the marriage you want.
One of the single most important attitudes in marriage is a pattern of looking for the good and positive in each other. The reality is that if one is looking for the good - - - - that is what will be seen. The converse is also true, if the negatives are the center of attention and focus, then that is what will be seen. One of the characteristics of a successful marriage is where the focus is on the good things that can be appreciated. Unfortunately, it can become easy to notice all that our spouse doesn’t do, while focusing on the positives may require a conscious decision. Criticism tears down a marriage, while appreciation builds up and strengthens a relationship.
Research on marriage conducted by Dr. John Gottman at the Family Research Lab at the University of Washington has found that happily married couples make five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship than negative ones. A good marriage has a positive attitude where affirmations and appreciations are expressed. Dr. Gottman advices couples to “cultivate a culture of appreciation” where there are many acts of fondness, admiration, gratitude and positive sentiment. A positive attitude enables a marriage to better cope with stress, conflict, disappointment, and other negative influences.
Appreciations can take different forms. Acknowledgement for what we do – both the little and the big things is important. Communicate to your spouse that you recognize their contributions that make life better. Affirmations is where a spouse is reminded how important they are and how deeply a connection and commitment is felt. Adoration where there is a genuine expression of admiration and affection, and is another important type of appreciation. It is easy to fall into the “they know how I feel” excuse. However, do any of us tire of being reminded of our importance and value to others? Another form of appreciation comes with Acceptance. None of us are perfect and none are married to perfect spouses. Acceptance is a true appreciation of differences without the intention to change our spouses to be more like us.
Appreciations are most effectively expressed when they are specific. A verbal expression of appreciation or “thank you” is sometimes all that is needed, but a written card or note, flowers, or an embrace can make the thought more special and effective.
The single best advice for a happy marital relationship is to “be the spouse you wish you were married to”. In my work over the past 25 years with hundreds of couples, I have found this simple guideline to be the most effective. Waiting for change from your partner before committing to personal effort is doomed to failure.
If you and your spouse feel stuck – get help! Most couples struggle unnecessarily for years before seeking help. While only 1% will contact a professional for assistance, many more will end their marriage or settle for a marriage that is unhappy. To learn more about what makes marriage work, read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Three Rivers Press, 2000) by John Gottman, Ph.D. This is an important resource for troubled marriages and for good marriages that want to be better. It is never too late to have the marriage you want.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Reflections on Being a Mother
“All that I am, or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.”
Abraham Lincoln
I have written in the past about the importance of fathers and how much they contribute to the lives of their children and to the family. However, I’ve never written about being a mom. It’s a no-brainer to declare that mothers are important. Psychological research confirms what we know by common sense, - - mothers are crucial in the emotional and physical development of children. Babies need a mother’s love and attention and there is something uniquely special in the relationship between a mother and a child. Mothers play a critical role in family life and have invaluable contributions in creating the next generation.
Mothers Day is the day set aside to honor mothers and to let moms know how much they are appreciated. In the United States, Mother’s Day falls on the second Sunday in May of each year and became an official holiday in 1914. However, Americans didn’t originate the idea of honoring mothers and their many contributions and sacrifices. In fact, tributes to mothers actually date back to the ancient Greeks and Romans.
Being a mom has at times been described as a thankless job. So much gets unnoticed and seemingly unappreciated. However, the work involved in caring for a home and family are enormous even if not directly related to a pay check. Salary.com completed a survey of more than 12,000 mothers and determined that based on the time mothers spend in typical daily activities; they would earn an annual salary of $122,732. Moms earn this income with their efforts and commitment even if they never see the paychecks!
There are so many things no one tells you about being a mom. It is a rare mother who never experiences self-doubt. Being a mother includes continual changes in the job description. As soon as you master or even get a little bit comfortable with one stage, your child grows, changes, and demands you learn something new. How truly difficult!
New moms especially express painful feelings of inadequacy because our culture tends to focus on “maternal instincts” and “falling in love with your baby at first sight”. While these phenomenons may exist, there are many more experiences of being overwhelmed and exhausted. Women tend not to open up about their struggles and frustrations in mothering. Even worse, mothers often are openly and harshly critical of other mothers. These factors make it difficult to be realistic about being a good mother. It is essential to give up on perfection. You will make mistakes, you will disappoint - - and your child will survive!
While challenging, being a mom is also wonderful. The tasks are so important, the demands so endless, and often the criticisms so harsh that it is essential to develop strategies to enjoy the roller coaster ride called motherhood. Having fun and enjoying the process of mothering is not only important - - it is survival!! Strive to let go of your own and others expectations and allow the fun to take whatever form available.
Being a great mom is about being yourself and giving your children the best of you. This requires taking the time to care for you and accepting yourself without judgments. During those times when you struggle, get help from family members, and seek advice from others along the journey. Children don’t need perfect mothers - - they just need mothers who are present, nurturing, and are “good enough”.
This year, on Mother’s Day take the time to thank your mom. If you are dad, thank the mother of your children. If you are a mom, take the time to recognize your worth and contributions to your family. All of us should remember to acknowledge and appreciate the sacrifices and challenges each mother faces.
Abraham Lincoln
I have written in the past about the importance of fathers and how much they contribute to the lives of their children and to the family. However, I’ve never written about being a mom. It’s a no-brainer to declare that mothers are important. Psychological research confirms what we know by common sense, - - mothers are crucial in the emotional and physical development of children. Babies need a mother’s love and attention and there is something uniquely special in the relationship between a mother and a child. Mothers play a critical role in family life and have invaluable contributions in creating the next generation.
Mothers Day is the day set aside to honor mothers and to let moms know how much they are appreciated. In the United States, Mother’s Day falls on the second Sunday in May of each year and became an official holiday in 1914. However, Americans didn’t originate the idea of honoring mothers and their many contributions and sacrifices. In fact, tributes to mothers actually date back to the ancient Greeks and Romans.
Being a mom has at times been described as a thankless job. So much gets unnoticed and seemingly unappreciated. However, the work involved in caring for a home and family are enormous even if not directly related to a pay check. Salary.com completed a survey of more than 12,000 mothers and determined that based on the time mothers spend in typical daily activities; they would earn an annual salary of $122,732. Moms earn this income with their efforts and commitment even if they never see the paychecks!
There are so many things no one tells you about being a mom. It is a rare mother who never experiences self-doubt. Being a mother includes continual changes in the job description. As soon as you master or even get a little bit comfortable with one stage, your child grows, changes, and demands you learn something new. How truly difficult!
New moms especially express painful feelings of inadequacy because our culture tends to focus on “maternal instincts” and “falling in love with your baby at first sight”. While these phenomenons may exist, there are many more experiences of being overwhelmed and exhausted. Women tend not to open up about their struggles and frustrations in mothering. Even worse, mothers often are openly and harshly critical of other mothers. These factors make it difficult to be realistic about being a good mother. It is essential to give up on perfection. You will make mistakes, you will disappoint - - and your child will survive!
While challenging, being a mom is also wonderful. The tasks are so important, the demands so endless, and often the criticisms so harsh that it is essential to develop strategies to enjoy the roller coaster ride called motherhood. Having fun and enjoying the process of mothering is not only important - - it is survival!! Strive to let go of your own and others expectations and allow the fun to take whatever form available.
Being a great mom is about being yourself and giving your children the best of you. This requires taking the time to care for you and accepting yourself without judgments. During those times when you struggle, get help from family members, and seek advice from others along the journey. Children don’t need perfect mothers - - they just need mothers who are present, nurturing, and are “good enough”.
This year, on Mother’s Day take the time to thank your mom. If you are dad, thank the mother of your children. If you are a mom, take the time to recognize your worth and contributions to your family. All of us should remember to acknowledge and appreciate the sacrifices and challenges each mother faces.
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