It is easy to take people for granted. We don’t mean to do it, but often we fall into expecting our spouses to do what satisfies us. We stop saying please and thank you, we stop acknowledging how special our mate really is. We get so caught up in the daily routine that we don’t stop to feel and express appreciation.
One of the single most important attitudes in marriage is a pattern of looking for the good and positive in each other. The reality is that if one is looking for the good - - - - that is what will be seen. The converse is also true, if the negatives are the center of attention and focus, then that is what will be seen. One of the characteristics of a successful marriage is where the focus is on the good things that can be appreciated. Unfortunately, it can become easy to notice all that our spouse doesn’t do, while focusing on the positives may require a conscious decision. Criticism tears down a marriage, while appreciation builds up and strengthens a relationship.
Research on marriage conducted by Dr. John Gottman at the Family Research Lab at the University of Washington has found that happily married couples make five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship than negative ones. A good marriage has a positive attitude where affirmations and appreciations are expressed. Dr. Gottman advices couples to “cultivate a culture of appreciation” where there are many acts of fondness, admiration, gratitude and positive sentiment. A positive attitude enables a marriage to better cope with stress, conflict, disappointment, and other negative influences.
Appreciations can take different forms. Acknowledgement for what we do – both the little and the big things is important. Communicate to your spouse that you recognize their contributions that make life better. Affirmations is where a spouse is reminded how important they are and how deeply a connection and commitment is felt. Adoration where there is a genuine expression of admiration and affection, and is another important type of appreciation. It is easy to fall into the “they know how I feel” excuse. However, do any of us tire of being reminded of our importance and value to others? Another form of appreciation comes with Acceptance. None of us are perfect and none are married to perfect spouses. Acceptance is a true appreciation of differences without the intention to change our spouses to be more like us.
Appreciations are most effectively expressed when they are specific. A verbal expression of appreciation or “thank you” is sometimes all that is needed, but a written card or note, flowers, or an embrace can make the thought more special and effective.
The single best advice for a happy marital relationship is to “be the spouse you wish you were married to”. In my work over the past 25 years with hundreds of couples, I have found this simple guideline to be the most effective. Waiting for change from your partner before committing to personal effort is doomed to failure.
If you and your spouse feel stuck – get help! Most couples struggle unnecessarily for years before seeking help. While only 1% will contact a professional for assistance, many more will end their marriage or settle for a marriage that is unhappy. To learn more about what makes marriage work, read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Three Rivers Press, 2000) by John Gottman, Ph.D. This is an important resource for troubled marriages and for good marriages that want to be better. It is never too late to have the marriage you want.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Reflections on Being a Mother
“All that I am, or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.”
Abraham Lincoln
I have written in the past about the importance of fathers and how much they contribute to the lives of their children and to the family. However, I’ve never written about being a mom. It’s a no-brainer to declare that mothers are important. Psychological research confirms what we know by common sense, - - mothers are crucial in the emotional and physical development of children. Babies need a mother’s love and attention and there is something uniquely special in the relationship between a mother and a child. Mothers play a critical role in family life and have invaluable contributions in creating the next generation.
Mothers Day is the day set aside to honor mothers and to let moms know how much they are appreciated. In the United States, Mother’s Day falls on the second Sunday in May of each year and became an official holiday in 1914. However, Americans didn’t originate the idea of honoring mothers and their many contributions and sacrifices. In fact, tributes to mothers actually date back to the ancient Greeks and Romans.
Being a mom has at times been described as a thankless job. So much gets unnoticed and seemingly unappreciated. However, the work involved in caring for a home and family are enormous even if not directly related to a pay check. Salary.com completed a survey of more than 12,000 mothers and determined that based on the time mothers spend in typical daily activities; they would earn an annual salary of $122,732. Moms earn this income with their efforts and commitment even if they never see the paychecks!
There are so many things no one tells you about being a mom. It is a rare mother who never experiences self-doubt. Being a mother includes continual changes in the job description. As soon as you master or even get a little bit comfortable with one stage, your child grows, changes, and demands you learn something new. How truly difficult!
New moms especially express painful feelings of inadequacy because our culture tends to focus on “maternal instincts” and “falling in love with your baby at first sight”. While these phenomenons may exist, there are many more experiences of being overwhelmed and exhausted. Women tend not to open up about their struggles and frustrations in mothering. Even worse, mothers often are openly and harshly critical of other mothers. These factors make it difficult to be realistic about being a good mother. It is essential to give up on perfection. You will make mistakes, you will disappoint - - and your child will survive!
While challenging, being a mom is also wonderful. The tasks are so important, the demands so endless, and often the criticisms so harsh that it is essential to develop strategies to enjoy the roller coaster ride called motherhood. Having fun and enjoying the process of mothering is not only important - - it is survival!! Strive to let go of your own and others expectations and allow the fun to take whatever form available.
Being a great mom is about being yourself and giving your children the best of you. This requires taking the time to care for you and accepting yourself without judgments. During those times when you struggle, get help from family members, and seek advice from others along the journey. Children don’t need perfect mothers - - they just need mothers who are present, nurturing, and are “good enough”.
This year, on Mother’s Day take the time to thank your mom. If you are dad, thank the mother of your children. If you are a mom, take the time to recognize your worth and contributions to your family. All of us should remember to acknowledge and appreciate the sacrifices and challenges each mother faces.
Abraham Lincoln
I have written in the past about the importance of fathers and how much they contribute to the lives of their children and to the family. However, I’ve never written about being a mom. It’s a no-brainer to declare that mothers are important. Psychological research confirms what we know by common sense, - - mothers are crucial in the emotional and physical development of children. Babies need a mother’s love and attention and there is something uniquely special in the relationship between a mother and a child. Mothers play a critical role in family life and have invaluable contributions in creating the next generation.
Mothers Day is the day set aside to honor mothers and to let moms know how much they are appreciated. In the United States, Mother’s Day falls on the second Sunday in May of each year and became an official holiday in 1914. However, Americans didn’t originate the idea of honoring mothers and their many contributions and sacrifices. In fact, tributes to mothers actually date back to the ancient Greeks and Romans.
Being a mom has at times been described as a thankless job. So much gets unnoticed and seemingly unappreciated. However, the work involved in caring for a home and family are enormous even if not directly related to a pay check. Salary.com completed a survey of more than 12,000 mothers and determined that based on the time mothers spend in typical daily activities; they would earn an annual salary of $122,732. Moms earn this income with their efforts and commitment even if they never see the paychecks!
There are so many things no one tells you about being a mom. It is a rare mother who never experiences self-doubt. Being a mother includes continual changes in the job description. As soon as you master or even get a little bit comfortable with one stage, your child grows, changes, and demands you learn something new. How truly difficult!
New moms especially express painful feelings of inadequacy because our culture tends to focus on “maternal instincts” and “falling in love with your baby at first sight”. While these phenomenons may exist, there are many more experiences of being overwhelmed and exhausted. Women tend not to open up about their struggles and frustrations in mothering. Even worse, mothers often are openly and harshly critical of other mothers. These factors make it difficult to be realistic about being a good mother. It is essential to give up on perfection. You will make mistakes, you will disappoint - - and your child will survive!
While challenging, being a mom is also wonderful. The tasks are so important, the demands so endless, and often the criticisms so harsh that it is essential to develop strategies to enjoy the roller coaster ride called motherhood. Having fun and enjoying the process of mothering is not only important - - it is survival!! Strive to let go of your own and others expectations and allow the fun to take whatever form available.
Being a great mom is about being yourself and giving your children the best of you. This requires taking the time to care for you and accepting yourself without judgments. During those times when you struggle, get help from family members, and seek advice from others along the journey. Children don’t need perfect mothers - - they just need mothers who are present, nurturing, and are “good enough”.
This year, on Mother’s Day take the time to thank your mom. If you are dad, thank the mother of your children. If you are a mom, take the time to recognize your worth and contributions to your family. All of us should remember to acknowledge and appreciate the sacrifices and challenges each mother faces.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Happiness
Achieving happiness is likely the most universally common goal. While there are significant subjective definitions of what happiness really is, we all want to be happy. People around the world value happiness above intelligence, success and even material wealth. This makes sense because happiness is associated with good personal relationships, better jobs, more success and higher income.
The advice of how to have a happy life comes from many sources. There are recommendations from the ancient Greeks, the ancient Chinese, 19th Century German philosophers and of course shelves of self-help books in any bookstores.
The psychological literature clearly shows there is a strong relationship between success and happiness. However affluence produces rapidly diminishing returns on happiness.
Psychologists have in the past 10 years begun to investigate the questions about what causes human happiness how to enhance this sense of wellbeing. The results of this research show first off that almost all humans are surprisingly happy and 90% of Americans report themselves to be “very happy” or “fairly happy”. There are individual differences in the level of happiness and these differences are stable across the lifespan. Another interesting finding in the research on happiness in that major life events that we would expect to effect happiness over the long term (winning the lottery, death of a loved one) only affect it for about six months to a year.
Research suggests that the contributions to our happiness are 50% a stable “set point” of overall sense of well being – this is largely determined by our overall temperament which is determined by genetics. Not much we can do about those issues. 10% of a sense of happiness is related to life circumstances such as how much money we have, our education level, and age. We have some possibility to change our life circumstances and these factors do matter, but these changes make a small contribution to happiness. However 40% of happiness is determined by our day-to- day activities. Research has confirmed that enjoyable activities have more potential for making us happy than improvements in our circumstances. People tend to place much more importance on their life circumstances to the detriment of happiness enhancing behaviors and everyday pleasurable activities.
Three activities that psychologist have investigated that enhance happiness are 1) visualizing you best self and imagining your life in the future where goals have been met; 2) helping other with acts of kindness has been found to increase a sense of well-being by 40%; and 3) practicing gratitude.
In addition to these guidelines research has shown the impact of daily pleasurable activities on happiness. Having fun improves our sense of well-being. The activity choices should have three characteristics: 1) They should fit our needs and our personalities (sky diving is NOT for everyone). 2) The content should vary (new experiences are especially helpful because the amount of pleasure we can get from the same experienced tails off with repetition). 3) The timing should vary.
We live in a society of materialism, where objects are valued way beyond their possible contribution to happiness. Happiness research has determined that experiences give more pleasure than material purchases. This difference is for several reasons. Experiences create memories which improve with time – possessions don’t. It is hard to compare our own experiences with those of other people. However comparing possessions is easy. Pleasure diminishes with unfavorable comparison.
Achieving happiness is a lifetime goal and pursuit. Doing what brings YOU the most meaning and contentment to your life over the long run will bring happiness. Benjamin Spock wrote “Happiness is mostly a by-product of doing what makes us feel fulfilled.”
The advice of how to have a happy life comes from many sources. There are recommendations from the ancient Greeks, the ancient Chinese, 19th Century German philosophers and of course shelves of self-help books in any bookstores.
The psychological literature clearly shows there is a strong relationship between success and happiness. However affluence produces rapidly diminishing returns on happiness.
Psychologists have in the past 10 years begun to investigate the questions about what causes human happiness how to enhance this sense of wellbeing. The results of this research show first off that almost all humans are surprisingly happy and 90% of Americans report themselves to be “very happy” or “fairly happy”. There are individual differences in the level of happiness and these differences are stable across the lifespan. Another interesting finding in the research on happiness in that major life events that we would expect to effect happiness over the long term (winning the lottery, death of a loved one) only affect it for about six months to a year.
Research suggests that the contributions to our happiness are 50% a stable “set point” of overall sense of well being – this is largely determined by our overall temperament which is determined by genetics. Not much we can do about those issues. 10% of a sense of happiness is related to life circumstances such as how much money we have, our education level, and age. We have some possibility to change our life circumstances and these factors do matter, but these changes make a small contribution to happiness. However 40% of happiness is determined by our day-to- day activities. Research has confirmed that enjoyable activities have more potential for making us happy than improvements in our circumstances. People tend to place much more importance on their life circumstances to the detriment of happiness enhancing behaviors and everyday pleasurable activities.
Three activities that psychologist have investigated that enhance happiness are 1) visualizing you best self and imagining your life in the future where goals have been met; 2) helping other with acts of kindness has been found to increase a sense of well-being by 40%; and 3) practicing gratitude.
In addition to these guidelines research has shown the impact of daily pleasurable activities on happiness. Having fun improves our sense of well-being. The activity choices should have three characteristics: 1) They should fit our needs and our personalities (sky diving is NOT for everyone). 2) The content should vary (new experiences are especially helpful because the amount of pleasure we can get from the same experienced tails off with repetition). 3) The timing should vary.
We live in a society of materialism, where objects are valued way beyond their possible contribution to happiness. Happiness research has determined that experiences give more pleasure than material purchases. This difference is for several reasons. Experiences create memories which improve with time – possessions don’t. It is hard to compare our own experiences with those of other people. However comparing possessions is easy. Pleasure diminishes with unfavorable comparison.
Achieving happiness is a lifetime goal and pursuit. Doing what brings YOU the most meaning and contentment to your life over the long run will bring happiness. Benjamin Spock wrote “Happiness is mostly a by-product of doing what makes us feel fulfilled.”
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Judging Others is Damaging to All
From religious teachings, great literature, and even popular music; the message of the value of not judging others is asserted.
• Judge not, that ye be not judged. ~ Matthew 7:1
• Time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain, therefore, awhile from setting yourself up as judge of the highest matters. ~ Plato
• If a man looks after the faults of others, and is always inclined to be offended, his own passions will grow, and he is far from the destructions of passions. ~ The Dharmapada (a collection of the Buddha’s essential teachings).
• Our senses don’t deceive us: our judgment does. ~ Goethe
• I know I’m not perfect
And I don’t live to be
But before you start pointing fingers
Make sure your hands are clean ~ Bob Marley
However, human nature seems to be determined to criticize and judge each other – to some degree – on many different parameters. Personal appearance, including weight and attractiveness; intelligence and education; individual values, beliefs, and spiritual practices; occupations and professional success; and wealth are all arenas inviting negative judgments of others. It appears that the task of accepting people as they are is just incredibly difficult. Our culture is conflict-ridden and often there is an attitude focused on “one-up man ship” or winning. As we live we slowly develop biases or pre-conceived notions about people with whom we interact.
When criticism and judgment are negative it can lead to great hurt, and damage. People react to criticism and judgment in different ways. Some become fearful, and close down emotionally to protect. Some develop feelings of inadequacy; while others become angry, and strike others with the venom of judgment and rejection. Everyone as some fear of being judged rejected or abandoned. No one really likes to be judged and so eliminating this from our own actions will improve your life and relationships.
Living a life filled with judgments and criticisms of others are as hurtful to oneself as they are to the target of judgment. Those who judge others often also judge themselves in very painful and damaging ways. People who feel good about themselves can more easily see the good in others. Self-acceptance and practicing kindness towards the self encourages tolerance. It is known that acceptance of the self and others is important is overall mental health and general happiness.
We analyze and make decisions about living based on individual values and beliefs that are developed through learning and personal experience. Having confidence and clarity about values and decisions is not only natural, it is valuable and important - – imposing those convictions on others betrays an attitude of arrogance. Assigning a moral code to another disrespects alternative perspectives. As soon as you judge someone you are saying that you are better or worse than that person.
There is a difference between being clear and confident of personal values for ourselves and imposing those onto others. It is important to delineate between making judgments based on belief or value systems which makes them opinions – and when we are actually stating fact. Most of the time, judgments come from a place of opinion. We can still have an opinion, but not condemn others for having a different opinion. Everyone sees things differently and when opinions are expressed in a way that demands agreement, and is judgmental; there is a lack of respect of alternative views. While we can verbalize and share opinion – even forcefully – it is important to acknowledge that others can believe differently.
Being judgmental and critical becomes habit over time. Finding ways to be loving and accepting can replace old ways and become a new habit. If we decide to be as non-judgmental as possible about people then we can really transform our personality. It is a difficult process but making sincere attempts to do so is very powerful.
• Judge not, that ye be not judged. ~ Matthew 7:1
• Time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain, therefore, awhile from setting yourself up as judge of the highest matters. ~ Plato
• If a man looks after the faults of others, and is always inclined to be offended, his own passions will grow, and he is far from the destructions of passions. ~ The Dharmapada (a collection of the Buddha’s essential teachings).
• Our senses don’t deceive us: our judgment does. ~ Goethe
• I know I’m not perfect
And I don’t live to be
But before you start pointing fingers
Make sure your hands are clean ~ Bob Marley
However, human nature seems to be determined to criticize and judge each other – to some degree – on many different parameters. Personal appearance, including weight and attractiveness; intelligence and education; individual values, beliefs, and spiritual practices; occupations and professional success; and wealth are all arenas inviting negative judgments of others. It appears that the task of accepting people as they are is just incredibly difficult. Our culture is conflict-ridden and often there is an attitude focused on “one-up man ship” or winning. As we live we slowly develop biases or pre-conceived notions about people with whom we interact.
When criticism and judgment are negative it can lead to great hurt, and damage. People react to criticism and judgment in different ways. Some become fearful, and close down emotionally to protect. Some develop feelings of inadequacy; while others become angry, and strike others with the venom of judgment and rejection. Everyone as some fear of being judged rejected or abandoned. No one really likes to be judged and so eliminating this from our own actions will improve your life and relationships.
Living a life filled with judgments and criticisms of others are as hurtful to oneself as they are to the target of judgment. Those who judge others often also judge themselves in very painful and damaging ways. People who feel good about themselves can more easily see the good in others. Self-acceptance and practicing kindness towards the self encourages tolerance. It is known that acceptance of the self and others is important is overall mental health and general happiness.
We analyze and make decisions about living based on individual values and beliefs that are developed through learning and personal experience. Having confidence and clarity about values and decisions is not only natural, it is valuable and important - – imposing those convictions on others betrays an attitude of arrogance. Assigning a moral code to another disrespects alternative perspectives. As soon as you judge someone you are saying that you are better or worse than that person.
There is a difference between being clear and confident of personal values for ourselves and imposing those onto others. It is important to delineate between making judgments based on belief or value systems which makes them opinions – and when we are actually stating fact. Most of the time, judgments come from a place of opinion. We can still have an opinion, but not condemn others for having a different opinion. Everyone sees things differently and when opinions are expressed in a way that demands agreement, and is judgmental; there is a lack of respect of alternative views. While we can verbalize and share opinion – even forcefully – it is important to acknowledge that others can believe differently.
Being judgmental and critical becomes habit over time. Finding ways to be loving and accepting can replace old ways and become a new habit. If we decide to be as non-judgmental as possible about people then we can really transform our personality. It is a difficult process but making sincere attempts to do so is very powerful.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Why Live an Unhurried Life?
The concept of living an unhurried life is proposed in many magazines, books - - - even from pulpits and it brings great rewards. The balance found in living at a less frenetic pace brings back time - - time to experience, time to listen, time to think, and time to embrace a moment. We must choose to slow down, eat slowly, walk slowly, and speak slowly. Living at a fast pace makes it difficult to care for and respect the other people in our family and community. Loving and respectful relationships demand that we slow down
It is difficult to live an unhurried life in our fast paced world, especially when being busy and productive is viewed by society as praiseworthy. Too many experience feelings of guilt when not constantly being occupied and productive. A common yet misguided modern attitude is that if I can speed myself up, I can be more competitive and successful. No wonder amphetamines are so popular! However, being in a constant hurry does not allow love to be felt to its fullest, which is the goal of healthy parenting and family life.
An unhurried parent takes the time to explain to their child where they are going. Hurried parents tell their children to get in the car. Unhurried people take time to chat with a sales clerk, while the hurried is impatient and possibly rude in their need to be finished and move to the next thing. The unhurried think about how to show love to others – with encouragement, the right gift, and a kindness. The unhurried are less vulnerable to frustrations, irritations and angers of daily life.
Our children – especially teens – find pressure to live in an ever increasing pace so that they can compete successfully. The student who is able to obtain information quickly often gets better grades and is more successful. It is a sad reality that a student without success in Honors and Advanced Placement (AP) classes will not be accepted into the most respected colleges. Years ago success in high school did not have to include having college credits at the time of graduation. It is important we stop pushing our teens to rush through each season in life.
A first step in slowing down is to establish priorities. While most verbalize that family relationships are central, often our daily decisions do not reflect this. Television, cell phones and the computer can create convenient paths to avoid interactions with others. The addictive quality of information technology steals time from family life. Technology is not bad. However, the role technology plays in our lives needs examination. Checking email and answering messages, preoccupations with chat rooms, and focus on computer-based relationships fostered by My Space and Face Book, sometimes take priority over interactions with family.
Native people teach insulating from the stress of modern life by slowing down the pace of living. One technique is described in the principle that “if the sun catches you out of bed you will have a long life”. Learning to slow down by getting up early helps with stress because there is time to reflect and get centered before others and the demands of the day are awakened. Having the silence of the morning to ourselves before the rush of school and work makes us more kind and patient with children, spouses, fellow commuters, and coworkers. It is also helpful to identify the most rushed part of your day and find one or two changes that can ease the stress, and allow you to slow down.
Love demands that we cultivate the ability to slow down, to set priorities that encourage health, creativity and to learn beneficial ways to reduce the stress of modern life. Leading an unhurried life and slowing the day down are ways of improving the quality of life.
It is difficult to live an unhurried life in our fast paced world, especially when being busy and productive is viewed by society as praiseworthy. Too many experience feelings of guilt when not constantly being occupied and productive. A common yet misguided modern attitude is that if I can speed myself up, I can be more competitive and successful. No wonder amphetamines are so popular! However, being in a constant hurry does not allow love to be felt to its fullest, which is the goal of healthy parenting and family life.
An unhurried parent takes the time to explain to their child where they are going. Hurried parents tell their children to get in the car. Unhurried people take time to chat with a sales clerk, while the hurried is impatient and possibly rude in their need to be finished and move to the next thing. The unhurried think about how to show love to others – with encouragement, the right gift, and a kindness. The unhurried are less vulnerable to frustrations, irritations and angers of daily life.
Our children – especially teens – find pressure to live in an ever increasing pace so that they can compete successfully. The student who is able to obtain information quickly often gets better grades and is more successful. It is a sad reality that a student without success in Honors and Advanced Placement (AP) classes will not be accepted into the most respected colleges. Years ago success in high school did not have to include having college credits at the time of graduation. It is important we stop pushing our teens to rush through each season in life.
A first step in slowing down is to establish priorities. While most verbalize that family relationships are central, often our daily decisions do not reflect this. Television, cell phones and the computer can create convenient paths to avoid interactions with others. The addictive quality of information technology steals time from family life. Technology is not bad. However, the role technology plays in our lives needs examination. Checking email and answering messages, preoccupations with chat rooms, and focus on computer-based relationships fostered by My Space and Face Book, sometimes take priority over interactions with family.
Native people teach insulating from the stress of modern life by slowing down the pace of living. One technique is described in the principle that “if the sun catches you out of bed you will have a long life”. Learning to slow down by getting up early helps with stress because there is time to reflect and get centered before others and the demands of the day are awakened. Having the silence of the morning to ourselves before the rush of school and work makes us more kind and patient with children, spouses, fellow commuters, and coworkers. It is also helpful to identify the most rushed part of your day and find one or two changes that can ease the stress, and allow you to slow down.
Love demands that we cultivate the ability to slow down, to set priorities that encourage health, creativity and to learn beneficial ways to reduce the stress of modern life. Leading an unhurried life and slowing the day down are ways of improving the quality of life.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Does Love Mean Cleaning the Toilet?
Valentine’s Day encourages thoughts of what are important issues in having a good marital relationship. According to a Pew Research Center survey of more than 2000 American adults on what are the most important factors in a happy marriage, Sharing Household Chores (62%) ranked only behind Faithfulness (93%) and Happy Sexual Relationship (70%).
Numerous surveys have found that even though many women work outside the home, they still tend to do most of the household chores. Conflict over domestic duties around the house is second only to conflict over money in causing marital disharmony. When either partner in a marriage is unhappy about the allocation of household chores, the stress level in a home will increase tremendously.
Although many women complain about their husbands not doing their share, they may actually be inhibiting their spouse’s involvement by a subtle sabotage known as maternal gate keeping. Maternal gate keeping is defined as having three dimensions: 1) Discouraging a husband’s involvement by redoing tasks, criticizing and acting as household managers. The husband, then acts as a helper by doing only what is requested. 2) When a women’s identity is tied to how well she thinks others view her homemaking and nurturing skills, she may be more likely to resist her husband’s involvement since it would diminish her value. 3) Some women cherish AND resent being the primary care-giver, feeling both relieved and displaced with a husband’s involvement due to struggles with the ideas about traditional family roles.
Of course, men also have responsibility when there is a discrepancy in the distribution of household tasks. 1) Some men also struggle with changes in the traditional family roles and are resistant to “doing more than my father did”.
2) Some men have feelings of inadequacy in both household and child care skills. 3) At times there are significant differences in the tolerance level for housekeeping. For some, a sink full of dishes or a dirty toilet may not cause concern or come with any sense of urgency while it may be highly distressing to their spouse.
Accomplishing a true sense of sharing in the business of running a household requires communication, motivation, and respect. These basic guidelines are helpful in this process:
• List out every job that has to be done in the house. Set your priorities as a couple. It may not be possible to accomplish EVERYTHING.
• Identify the chores that each of you hates to do. What one hates, the other may be able to tolerate.
• Don’t ask for help!! Asking for help implies that the responsibility for the chores belongs to one person and others agree to assist.
• Timing is important – pushing another to complete a task when they really aren’t ready to do it only creates tension.
• Don’t nag. Even though your complaints may be valid, nagging makes your spouse resentful, defensive, and feeling attacked. Nagging is a vicious cycle. The more you nag, the more a spouse will avoid and withdraw.
• Be flexible and allow your spouse to accomplish a task in his/her own way. If you give up responsibility for a chore, you have to give up control over it too.
• Train your kids. Make sure your children, boys as well as girls, grow up believing that sharing chores at home is just what considerate people do.
• You can’t change your spouse. If there is an absolute refusal to equally share household responsibilities it is necessary to look for outside help or perhaps to stop doing some things.
There is greater efficiency and happiness in a home where family members share household responsibilities. When a couple can divide chores in a way that both spouses feel satisfied with the outcome, they are showing mutual respect for one another.
Numerous surveys have found that even though many women work outside the home, they still tend to do most of the household chores. Conflict over domestic duties around the house is second only to conflict over money in causing marital disharmony. When either partner in a marriage is unhappy about the allocation of household chores, the stress level in a home will increase tremendously.
Although many women complain about their husbands not doing their share, they may actually be inhibiting their spouse’s involvement by a subtle sabotage known as maternal gate keeping. Maternal gate keeping is defined as having three dimensions: 1) Discouraging a husband’s involvement by redoing tasks, criticizing and acting as household managers. The husband, then acts as a helper by doing only what is requested. 2) When a women’s identity is tied to how well she thinks others view her homemaking and nurturing skills, she may be more likely to resist her husband’s involvement since it would diminish her value. 3) Some women cherish AND resent being the primary care-giver, feeling both relieved and displaced with a husband’s involvement due to struggles with the ideas about traditional family roles.
Of course, men also have responsibility when there is a discrepancy in the distribution of household tasks. 1) Some men also struggle with changes in the traditional family roles and are resistant to “doing more than my father did”.
2) Some men have feelings of inadequacy in both household and child care skills. 3) At times there are significant differences in the tolerance level for housekeeping. For some, a sink full of dishes or a dirty toilet may not cause concern or come with any sense of urgency while it may be highly distressing to their spouse.
Accomplishing a true sense of sharing in the business of running a household requires communication, motivation, and respect. These basic guidelines are helpful in this process:
• List out every job that has to be done in the house. Set your priorities as a couple. It may not be possible to accomplish EVERYTHING.
• Identify the chores that each of you hates to do. What one hates, the other may be able to tolerate.
• Don’t ask for help!! Asking for help implies that the responsibility for the chores belongs to one person and others agree to assist.
• Timing is important – pushing another to complete a task when they really aren’t ready to do it only creates tension.
• Don’t nag. Even though your complaints may be valid, nagging makes your spouse resentful, defensive, and feeling attacked. Nagging is a vicious cycle. The more you nag, the more a spouse will avoid and withdraw.
• Be flexible and allow your spouse to accomplish a task in his/her own way. If you give up responsibility for a chore, you have to give up control over it too.
• Train your kids. Make sure your children, boys as well as girls, grow up believing that sharing chores at home is just what considerate people do.
• You can’t change your spouse. If there is an absolute refusal to equally share household responsibilities it is necessary to look for outside help or perhaps to stop doing some things.
There is greater efficiency and happiness in a home where family members share household responsibilities. When a couple can divide chores in a way that both spouses feel satisfied with the outcome, they are showing mutual respect for one another.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Romance in Marriage
With apologies for stating the obvious – keeping the romance alive in a marriage is not like when dating! When you think about the courtship days you may remember holding hands, quiet candlelight dinners, walks in the moonlight, sharing private laughs, and feelings of being safe, valued, appreciated and truly loved. Those initial passions and sparks dim over time if not kept alive with deliberate focus and intention. It is an important marital challenge to find the ways to be together long term without losing the romance.
Too often spouses come to feel like “business partners” committed to raising children and keeping the household smoothly functioning. The “romantic love” of courtship and early marriage may be replaced with a life that is dominated by the demands of parenting, careers, and financial concerns. Unfortunately, many couples get into a groove where they just become comfortable in a routine of daily life. This can lead to not holding hands anymore, not kissing, or even talking about the day. A significant priority shift from the couple identity to other concerns is problematic as ongoing romance strengthens and enlivens the marriage relationship.
By focusing on your spouse and looking for opportunities to encourage romance, couples keep a closer more satisfying bond. Romance can be facilitated in many ways. By pampering and spoiling your spouse, writing love letters or sending cards, spending time together, or arranging little surprises; the importance of the marital relationship is reinforced. Romance is alive when the marital relationship needs such as respect, appreciation, companionship, support, and affection are met.
Romance springs from friendship and intimacy. Cultivate a friendship with your spouse. Making time to be alone with each other should be a priority. Compliment and flirt with your husband or wife. Take a genuine interest in your spouse’s activities or hobbies. Even when life is hectic and crazy – carve out time for each other!
Don’t expect your spouse to read your mind and make you happy. Each person is individually responsible to communicate needs and desires. Good and effective communication includes being a good listener, paying attention to the words, tone and nonverbal communication to get a complete understanding. If the marital relationship is neglected or ignored, it may be difficult to have an open conversation with your spouse about your relationship. If honest efforts don’t improve things, your marriage may benefit from professional help.
While the marriage relationship should not be superficial or based on physical appearance, it is important to put effort into looking good. Maintaining attraction is important. Consider minimizing wearing the comfortable over-sized grunge-wear. It rarely is an attractive look. Be sexy. Not only can taking care of yourself and your body help your relationship, but it also helps you feel good about yourself.
A very obvious sign of a couple who has lost romance is when physical and affectionate touch has disappeared. Even if the sex drive has changed, couples can maintain touch with hugging, kissing, cuddling, back rubs or foot massages. These non-sexual gestures are independently valuable and may foster a passion spark leading to sexual activity. However, romance and sex are not the same thing and if you expect to be rewarded for physical affection with sex, your spouse will see this motive and the romantic value of the affection can be diminished. It is normal for sexual feelings to ebb and flow during a marriage, but with effort and commitment affection and romance can be kept alive throughout the relationship.
It is important to make every effort to keep the romance and fun in your marriage. Plan regular dates and create opportunities for enjoying each other. Keep focus on what is most important in your marriage; the two of you.
Too often spouses come to feel like “business partners” committed to raising children and keeping the household smoothly functioning. The “romantic love” of courtship and early marriage may be replaced with a life that is dominated by the demands of parenting, careers, and financial concerns. Unfortunately, many couples get into a groove where they just become comfortable in a routine of daily life. This can lead to not holding hands anymore, not kissing, or even talking about the day. A significant priority shift from the couple identity to other concerns is problematic as ongoing romance strengthens and enlivens the marriage relationship.
By focusing on your spouse and looking for opportunities to encourage romance, couples keep a closer more satisfying bond. Romance can be facilitated in many ways. By pampering and spoiling your spouse, writing love letters or sending cards, spending time together, or arranging little surprises; the importance of the marital relationship is reinforced. Romance is alive when the marital relationship needs such as respect, appreciation, companionship, support, and affection are met.
Romance springs from friendship and intimacy. Cultivate a friendship with your spouse. Making time to be alone with each other should be a priority. Compliment and flirt with your husband or wife. Take a genuine interest in your spouse’s activities or hobbies. Even when life is hectic and crazy – carve out time for each other!
Don’t expect your spouse to read your mind and make you happy. Each person is individually responsible to communicate needs and desires. Good and effective communication includes being a good listener, paying attention to the words, tone and nonverbal communication to get a complete understanding. If the marital relationship is neglected or ignored, it may be difficult to have an open conversation with your spouse about your relationship. If honest efforts don’t improve things, your marriage may benefit from professional help.
While the marriage relationship should not be superficial or based on physical appearance, it is important to put effort into looking good. Maintaining attraction is important. Consider minimizing wearing the comfortable over-sized grunge-wear. It rarely is an attractive look. Be sexy. Not only can taking care of yourself and your body help your relationship, but it also helps you feel good about yourself.
A very obvious sign of a couple who has lost romance is when physical and affectionate touch has disappeared. Even if the sex drive has changed, couples can maintain touch with hugging, kissing, cuddling, back rubs or foot massages. These non-sexual gestures are independently valuable and may foster a passion spark leading to sexual activity. However, romance and sex are not the same thing and if you expect to be rewarded for physical affection with sex, your spouse will see this motive and the romantic value of the affection can be diminished. It is normal for sexual feelings to ebb and flow during a marriage, but with effort and commitment affection and romance can be kept alive throughout the relationship.
It is important to make every effort to keep the romance and fun in your marriage. Plan regular dates and create opportunities for enjoying each other. Keep focus on what is most important in your marriage; the two of you.
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